Transcribed from: Comedy NetworkCast:
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
[Scene starts with a view of the extras, then of Bruce standing motionless on a podium, then of the extras.]
- Bruce- Gord, business-suited salesman
- Mark- Jeff, playing a United States marine in uniform. Mark is also the mall's announcer (Voice-over).
- Scott- an old lady
- Extras- about 8 seniors facing Bruce and standing in front of the side of an escalator
Mark V.O.: Attention shoppers. [extras look up] That's it, I just wanted to get your attention.
Bruce: [suddenly motioning with his arms] It's show time! [extras are startled by Bruce's sudden 'liveliness'] Huh-ha-ha! What a fine turnout. Welcome to the world of [pulls cover off a keyboard] the Gimmel 100. [presses button on keyboard so that a rhythmic beat starts to play and he moves to the beat] Come on, give yourselves a hand! [extras applaud] Come on, you've earned it. Now before I get going, may I ask a question? Is anybody here from my old high school at all? [extras look puzzled] No? There's just somethin' I want to get off my chest but it can wait. Now lucky for you people the Gimmel 100 *is* the keyboard for the aged. [to two of the extras] I bet you two lovely ladies are saying to yourself, "My children have gone, I've outlived my spouse, I'm painfully alone, I sure could use a Moroccan beat." Am I right ladies? [the two extras smile] Yeah, of course. [presses button on keyboard and rhythmic beat stops] And with the Gimmel 100 you could put [turns to face keyboard] a set of wheels on it, use it as a walker, and it becomes a [demonstrates walking with a walker and moves his fingers as though playing an imaginary piano] walk-and-play, walk-and-play. [stops demonstration and turns to face the extras]
Mark V.O.: Attention shoppers [extras look up], in five minutes I think I'll phone my wife.
Bruce: [looking up] Great. [facing extras] Now the Gimmel 100 is much better than its predecessor the old Gimmel 80 - which I'm not allowed to talk about while there's a lawsuit pending. But I can ask you good people how much better do you think the Gimmel 100 is than the Gimmel 80? [extras look puzzled] Well 20. Seems kinda obvious to me. [laughs and then stops suddenly] Now may I have a volunteer?
Mark: [from behind the extras where he wasn't before] 'Scuze me, will *I* do?
[extras look behind themselves and gasp upon seeing Mark]
Bruce: Wow. A United States marine. He defended our flag and got paid very little money for doing it. [starts applauding] Let's give him a hand. [extras applaud as Mark salutes and makes his way onto the podium while Bruce says] Come on, get up here good soldier. [Mark is on podium, then, to the extras Bruce says] Should he give the Gimmel a whirl? [Mark motions 'modesty' with his hands]
Extras: [nodding] Yeah...
Bruce: Yeah, of course.
Mark: Alright, I'll give it a shot. [sits on chair in front of keyboard then turns around to face Bruce] Wait a second. Although I dearly love music, I can't play a single note on the piano.
Bruce: Not one note?
Mark: Not one... [rolls eyes to the side and back to Bruce] stranger.
Bruce: But friend, the Gimmel makes it easy.
Mark: Tsk, well I don't know but I could sure use a sale's pitch. [crosses arms over, extras watch attentively]
Bruce: Why don't you chicks come over to our motel room? Perhaps we'll wash your shirts. We can have...
Mark: [touches Bruce's shoulder] Hold it barren man. Wrong sale's pitching. [pats Bruce on shoulder]
Bruce: [Shakes head and laughs as extras look at him mistrustfully. Mark looks nervous.] The Gimmel 100 is the greatest keyboard ever made.
Mark: [nervously and looking at Bruce] That's better.
Bruce: It does everything but pay for itself.
Mark: I think so. [to extras] Alright. I'm gonna give it a try. [Turns to face keyboard, looks at his hands as though not seeing how they will ever be able to play anything on the keyboard. His hands touch the keyboard and they immediately start playing a melody. When Mark finishes playing, he gets up from the chair and looks at his own hands in amazement and disbelief] Wow!
Bruce: [looks at Mark wide-eyed in amazement] Ho-ho-ho! [extras look impressed and applaud]
Mark: [still looking at his hands] Wow. [to the extras] That was so very easy. [to Bruce] Hey, do you mind if I tell a story?
Bruce: Would you, foot soldier?
Mark: Sure. [moves over to the side of the keyboard, Bruce follows him, lights dim, spotlight on Bruce and Mark] You know, when I was in the Gulf...
Bruce: Good war.
Mark: Great war. [camera zooms in on Mark] Well one day while I was [looks pensively straight ahead] defending our American freedom...
Bruce: [leans over into camera's view] Like the right to shop for large-ticket items?
Mark: [looks at Bruce] Exactly. [Bruce slides out of view and Mark turns to the extras] Well to make a long story short, one night I found myself holding a... dying soldier in my arms.
Bruce: [leans into camera's view] A dying soldier. Geez, that's the very worst kind.
Mark: [looks at Bruce who is leaning away] Yes it is. [looking straight ahead] And he said to me, "If I die tonight, at my funeral please play Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA' and play it on a Gimmel 100."
[Bruce presses button on keyboard and melody starts. Bruce and Mark look straight ahead and salute. Extras look touched. Scott can be seen behind the extras. Bruce and Mark are still saluting as Mark says]
Mark: I think General Schwarzkopf would want you to make a sale now...
Bruce: Aye, aye soldier! [Bruce and Mark drop their saluting arms. Mark gets off podium. Bruce looks at the extras] May I have a volunteer?
Mark: [points to Scott] There's one right there.
Scott: [as Mark takes Scott by the arm and pulls him to the front] Oh, no, I don't think so.
Mark: Well I volunteered for my country.
Scott: [Mark guides Scott onto podium but Mark stays off] Oh, I don't think so young man. Oh no.
Mark: [once Scott is on podium] There you go. [pulls Scott down on chair by the arm] Have a seat.
Scott: [as he lands on the chair] Oh! [Chuckles. Bruce puts one hand on Scott's back] Well, I'd love to but my arms don't work.
Bruce: [takes Scott's arms from behind and props them on the keyboard] Oh, that's not a problem. [music starts to play and Scott sort of looks around]
Mark: Wow! Now *that* is what I call good music! [applauds together with the extras]
Scott: [Looks behind himself at Bruce gesturing that he'd like his hands off the keyboard. Bruce pulls Scott back by Scott's shoulders so that Scott's arms fall off the keyboard. Music stops] Thank you.
Bruce: [to Scott] So I guess you'll buy it.
Scott: [to Bruce] Oh no, I don't want it.
Mark: [pointing at Scott] Aah, but you have to buy it. You touched it.
Scott: [to Mark] Oh, but I really don't want it.
Mark: [to extras] Hey, do we put back a cookie that we've touched folks?
Extras and Bruce: [nodding] No...
Scott: [nodding] Oh no, that's not nice.
Bruce: [pointing at Mark] Great. So while the soldier is writing up the sale... [Mark claps once and runs onto podium]
Scott: Oh but I don't...
Bruce: ...may I ask the rest of you, do you know if there's a VD clinic in town at all? [extras look at each other]
Mark V.O.: Attention shoppers. [extras look up] Free food for anyone over 65 in the bin behind Safeway.
[Extras hurry off stage. Scott gets off podium to follow them as Mark tries to get him to sign one of the many forms on a pad. When Scott has left, Mark sighs and puts the forms on the keyboard]
Bruce: I can't believe it. We didn't make one goddamn sale.
[Note: It was "one fuckiní sale" in the HBO airing.]
Mark: [takes off his uniform hat] Pfooo. You know what'd cheer me up right now? If we'd go over to the little Chinese [points with hand in distance] red hot restaurant over there, do a little old-fashioned dine and dash. [looks at Bruce] What do you say?
Bruce: I'll get my runners partner. [turns around and walks away]
Mark: I'll get the menu. [jumps off podium]
Bruce: Okay. [gets off podium]