Gavin: The Babysitter

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie and Sarah Jane Bodell and Elizabeth Strong
[Mark, as Gavin's mother, is dancing around the living room, getting ready for a date. Bruce jumps up from behind the island/bar in the kitchenette.]

Bruce: Boo! I scared you, hey Mom?

Mark: Yes you did, Gavin. [goes to the mirror]

Bruce: Yeah. Mom, mom, see, I made my coffee machine model. [holds up a styrofoam model of a coffee machine]

Mark: Oh.

Bruce: Mom, d'you know why they call it Crazee Glue?

Mark: No, I don't.

Bruce: Because the guy who invented it, didn't patent it, got no money, and the grief drove him insane. And instead of holding his arms with a straitjacket, they held his arms with Crazee Glue, his own Crazee Glue. On a much kinder note,-

[The doorbell rings.]

Mark: Gavin, will you get that please?

Bruce: I'll get it.

[Bruce opens the door to reveal an old and unamused looking man.]

Bruce: Do you know this kid at school, Terfeg Herte?

[The man shakes his head.]

Bruce: Well, I'll tell the story anyway. His brother is only three and has his own credit card. Boy, is he ever popular. One day, as we walked by a Ski-Doo dealership, I noticed-

[Mark comes over to the door.]

Mark: Gavin. [moves him aside from the door] Oh, hello. Gavin, I might be a little bit later than I originally though, okay, so-

[Kevin, as a teenage girl, appears in the doorway.]

Mark: Oh good, you're here, come on in.

[Kevin enters.]

Mark: Uh, now, Mrs. Pineroski couldn't make it tonight, so this is her daughter, she'l be watching you instead.

Kevin: Hi, I'm Natalie.

[Dave flies in as Cupid, and shoots Bruce's heart with an arrow.]

Mark: Now, there's pop in the fridge, and chips and cookies and candy in the cupboards. Help yourself- Gavin can't have any. [looks toward her date] Oh, shall we? [sees his car] Oh my God, a hearse! [gasps in awe]

[Mark and the man exit.]

Kevin: Hello, Gavin.

Bruce: [stammering] Hel- hel- hel- hello. This- kid- at- school...

Kevin: This kid at school what?

Bruce: You smell good, hey.

Kevin: Thank you very much. What time do you go to bed? [goes to look in the fridge]

Bruce: I don't. I've been going to school on the night shift, I just got home.

Kevin: [closing the fridge] Then why are you wearing pajamas?

Bruce: 'Cause it's night school, silly. [giggles]

Kevin: Let's do something fun.

Bruce: I'll do your taxes if you have twenty minutes.

Kevin: Let's watch TV. [sits on the couch]

Bruce: No. TV rots your brain like it's crack cocaine.

Kevin: Y'know, I heard somewhere once about a guy who watched the Weather Channel for 72 hours straight, and he went insane.

Bruce: How fascinating.

Kevin: Just like the guy who invented Crazee Glue.

[Bruce is stunned speechless. He moves his mouth, but for a moment no sound comes out.]

Bruce: You know about him?

Kevin: Yes. Do you?

Bruce: Yes. [heart pounds loudly]

Scott: Natalie!

[Scott appears in the doorway and enters.]

Kevin: Vito!

Scott: Hey!

Kevin: Did you have trouble finding the place?

Scott: Aw, no, I followed my heart. And, your directions helped.

[Kevin and Scott almost kiss, before Bruce interrupts.]

Bruce: Hello.

Scott: Hey, what's with the kid, you said he'd be in bed by now.

Bruce: We were talking. We hit it off.

Scott: Yeah, whatever. C'mon, baby.

[Scott leans over and starts to crawl on top of Kevin, trying to kiss him.]

Bruce: Locusts, locusts are only tough when they're in groups, you know.

Scott: Radical, dude.

[Scott keeps trying to make out with Kevin, but Kevin keeps pushing him away to listen to Bruce.]

Bruce: When they're alone, they're virtual cowards.

Kevin: Really?

Bruce: Yeah. Do you know what happens when a science teacher falls and hits his head on the curb?

Kevin: No, what?

Bruce: He becomes a janitor.

Scott: Hey, w-would you, w-would you park it, chipmunk cheeks?

Kevin: Vito!

Scott: What?

Bruce: I don't have chipmunk cheeks. Although I do know a boy who was raised by squirrels.

Kevin: Oh, yes [pushing Scott off], and they wouldn't let him go to school until he got his rabies shots.

Bruce: That's the story exactly.

Kevin: Yes.

Scott: Baby! I'm hurtin', y'know.

Kevin: And I'm talking, y'know? There's this girl at work- well actually, she really doesn't work, she sort of just sits there, but she has the most amazing thumb...

Bruce: Wow! Was it burlap?

Scott: Hey, you gonna go on about that dumb thumb story again?

Kevin: I am.

Scott: Okay, then I'm outta here. Y'know, you're not the only babysitter around. These townhouses are full of 'em.

[Scott goes to the door.]

Kevin: Fine!

Scott: Yeah, well fine!

Kevin: Fine!

Scott: Fine you! [slams the door behind him]

Kevin: Well, he thumb has glowed ever since she was hit by lightning.

Bruce: Wow!

[As Kevin talks, Bruce starts to daydream. He sees her as a bride, with him in a tuxedo as her groom.]

Kevin: So anyway, one day we were out hitchhiking. We were on our way to see the largest ball of twine in the world. Y'know, it stands twenty feet high, and it weighs about...

Bruce: Three and a half tons.

Kevin: Yes, exactly. Hey, we could see it on our honeymoon. Oh, that reminds me, I had a friend-

[Dave clears his throat.]

Dave: [as a minister] I asked you a question.

Kevin: Oh yeah. I do.

Dave: Fine. Now Gavin, do you believe that if you were to inflate a dog with helium, that you could float it on the end of a string.

Bruce: I do.

Dave: Good. Then you may now kiss the bride.

Bruce: Now we'll kiss forever.

[Bruce pulls out a giant tube of Crazee Glue, squirts some onto his finger, and rubs it all over his lips. They almost kiss before Kevin's voice brings Bruce back to reality.]

Kevin: Gavin, where's the remote? I asked where the remote was. Gavin, where's the remote?

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video