Gavin: Funeral

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by:
Cast: Dave: Now I see the tragic side of dance marathons. We were this close to winning.

Bruce: I don't know why you're blubbering, she was *my* mom.

[A female relative gives Gavin a casserole, which sparks:]

Bruce: Why are you giving me this, cause you don't know how to communicate with me, cause my Mom is dead? [sets down the casserole] Mosquitoes live for only one day, you know, so if they skip breakfast, I guess they had a bad childhood. If death is the great teacher, then what about my science teacher Mr. Gorgenchuck? Who, when you leave the fan on, his ears whistle. So we always leave the fan on.

[Enter Kevin, a ne'er do well who does his hair like he's the second coming of Elvis.]

Bruce: Hi Dad. Are you out on probation? ... Dad, this kid at school, he still has a mom, and that can't be fair, cause she ever eats is vodka, and coffee, and *bridge mix*.

Kevin: My little son, my little seed. My little, um...

Bruce: Legal responsibility?

Kevin: Would you wait right here a minute, son?

Bruce: Where are you going, to steal a car?

Kevin: Gavin, this is Sheila [Scott in a horrid canary yellow skirt and jacket, with Peg Bundy red hair put up]. Now Sheila and I have been writing letters during my time in jail, and I got the day off for the funeral, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. Gavin, this is your new mom!

[Gavin starts to get apoplectic.]

Kevin: I don't want to think of her as your new Mom, so much as a stranger in the kitchen wearing your old mom's clothes. And filling them out a bit better too, I might add.

Scott: Hi there, little guy. Hi there, little mourner.

Bruce: Dad!

Kevin: Gavin, Dad is busy haggling. C'mon Murray, twelve quarts of embalming fluid? Who ya trying to kid?

Scott: Gavin, I bet I know what would cheer you up...

Bruce: If my mom came back to life and murdered you?!

Scott: No, if Sheila had a cigarette.

Bruce: You know what'd make a better new mom? A head or a dog or a rat or a cow or a clump of mud or a piece of string.

Scott: Gavin, I know how you feel, cause you see my Mom died too. OK, it was a little bit different: she'd been in a coma for ten years and I was over 40, but still, when they pulled that plug...

Bruce: Dad!!!

Kevin: Look, it's not too late for me to make other arrangements. You're not the only funeral home in this town...

Bruce: Fake mom! Vinyl mom! Sweet N Low mom!

Kevin: Ah look, he's calling you mom! ... Ah, hate, love, the whole damn thing. The important thing is, we're a family. A son, a dad, a Sheila, and a cop.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video