Fran and Gordon: Aunt Barb and Cousin Rena

Parts One and Two

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by:

Part One: Woodland Heights 2:12 AM

[Written across TV screen: "Woodland Heights 2:12 AM" Dave is going through a wallet in the dark. Very intense music is playing in the background. Bruce and Scott are sleeping in the bed near-by.]

Scott: [turning on the nightstand lamp] Brian?

Dave: huh?

Scott: What are you doing with your father's wallet, Honey?

Dave: Uh, I was just looking for Aunt Barb's phone number.

Scott: Why?

Dave: Gee, I don't know... HEY! I guess I must be sleep walking, huh?

Scott: Ooooh, then I won't wake ya.

Dave: Yeah.

Scott: 'Cuz it's dangerous to wake a sleepwalker.

Dave: Exactly.

Scott: Ya know, my cousin Rena was sleepwalking once, and her husband, Bob.....

[Bruce wakes up]

Bruce: [growls] whaaaaa!!!!!

Scott: Oh, Gordon.

Bruce: Brian, what the hell are you doing?

[Dave raises his arms into "sleepwalking" mode]

Bruce: Well, I see. I knew you had been stealing from me!

Scott: Gordon, don't wake him. He's sleepwalking. It's dangerous!

Bruce: Yeah... and I'm asleep too. [gets out of bed] And I'm ready to do a little sleep-fighting.

Scott: [trying to hold Bruce back] Gordon!!!!

Bruce: Don't wake me!!!

Scott: Now c'mon.

Bruce: You goddamn bastard! I'll kick the...

Scott: Oh, c'mon get out. Gordon... really...

[Dave "wakes up"]

Dave: [shivers] uhhhhh. Oh, boy.

Scott: OH!

Dave: GEE! Where am *I*?!?

Scott: You're at home, Dear.

Dave: What?

Scott: Yeah. You were sleepwalking. Are you okay?

Dave: oh, wow, gee!

Scott: Oh....

Dave: What a strange, mysterious organ the human mind is, that we barely understand.

Scott: Oh, yes.

Bruce: Ya thief!

Dave: Somnambulist, okay?


Dave: I wish.

[Dave exits, Bruce gets back into bed]

Scott: [to Dave, out the door] He was joking. I hope you were. [turns around] Gordon! Why did you wake him? You know it's dangerous to wake a sleepwalker! That's what killed my cousin, Rena, ya know. [Scott gets back into bed]

Bruce: Drinking killed Rena.

Scott: Ahh, there's two sides to every story.

Bruce: Fran, the coroner said there was no liver in her body left whatsoever.

Scott: So you say, but there's two sides to every story.

Bruce: Come on, Fran. She died with a gin bottle stuck in her mouth.

Scott: Ahh, there's two sides to every story. What really happened, Mr. Smart E. Pants, is she was, uh, sleepwalking one night, and her husband, Bob, who had been...

[Bruce is snoring away]

Scott: Well, I'll finish it anyways. See, she had a bad oyster at one of those seafood places you can see from the highway. And she....

[Scene fades and ends]

Part Two: Woodland Heights 3:01 AM

[written across the TV screen, "Woodland Heights 3:01 AM." Bruce is asleep and Scott is still sitting up in bed chatting away.]

Scott: ...and I don't blame Rena at all. I blame the manufacturist who made the nightie. There should have been a warning that is was so flammable. [Scott has said his peace now lays down and turns out the light]

Bruce: [still sleeping] Wha?????

Scott: Hmmmm? What is it, Gordon?

Bruce: Why don't you get up on top of me.

Scott: Oh, Gordon.... It's not even hockey night.

Bruce: No, I think it would be good for both of us.

Scott: Oh, I don't know.

Bruce: Pleeaaase.....

Scott: [excited] Okay!

[Scott climbs up on Bruce and hikes up the night gown]

Bruce: [waking up] Whaaaa!!!!!!!

Scott: Oh!!!

Bruce: [sitting up. Scott jumps out of bed] Fran... What the HELL are you doing?!?!?

Scott: [pacing the floor] Well, Gordon, I , uh, I was just seeing what the, uh, temperature was like outside. And uh, well I didn't hear that noise downstairs. Aaaand I think I smell toast burning.

[Scott exits and Bruce calms down and lies back down]

Bruce: C'mon, you "Hee-Haw"girls! Don't make me come to that cornfield after ya.

[scene fades to black]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video