Meeting Ed McMahon

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Dave and Bruce are standing by the open front door in their apartment]

Bruce: Tom, I'd like you to meet Ed McMahon. THE Ed McMahon!

Dave: [Mark enters, Dave starts to shake his hand] Wow! It's a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. McMahon..... [voice trails off]

Mark: [has a goofy smile and looks nothing like Ed McMahon] Pleasure's all mine Tom.

Dave: Ed? [pause] Would you mind if I spoke to Phil in private for a second?

Mark: Oh no. Sure

Bruce: Why don't you make yourself at home Ed? Take a load off.

Mark: Like I do at Johnny Carson's house [walks into the room]

Bruce: [smiling and laughing] Yes. Like at Johnny Carson's house.

Dave: Phil......

[Bruce and Dave walk across the room to the kitchen]

Bruce: Can you believe it? Ed McMahon in our apartment?

Dave: Yeah. [feigns laughter] Phil, I don't want to burst you bubble or anything, but I've kinda got a feeling that that isn't Ed McMahon.

Bruce: [starts to say something, then has a loss of words] Y-you're just jealous because I met him first!

Dave: No. No Phil, I'm not, trust me! I mean look at him....

[they look at Mark. Mark has eyes crossed, mouth open, head cocked to one side.]

Dave:He sat in a chair Phil. Ed doesn't sit in a chair Phil. Ed sits on a couch.

Bruce: The bastard made a fool out of me! I'll kill him!!

[Bruce runs toward the living room, motioning to punch Mark. Dave grabs his arm and holds him back]

Dave:No Phil. Let me handle this OK? Be cool.

[Bruce gives Dave a thumbs up, and they walk into the room with Mark. Dave walks to Mark, and Bruce lingers in the background]

Dave: [sits on couch] Sooo......Ed.......uh...........Tell me. What brings you to this part of Saskatchewan?

Mark: Oh well you know, this and that and.....uh........Hey what's with the third degree!

[Bruce runs at Mark with a heavy vase, trying to hit him. Dave dives at Bruce to stop him]

Mark: [Dave holding Bruce back] Hey, what's going on here?!

Dave: [letting go of Bruce] All right. I'm going to level with ya. My buddy Phil and I...well we don't think you're really Ed McMahon.

Mark: You don't think I'm Ed McMahon?

Dave: No

Mark: [walks toward door, and makes strange body movements while talking] Well let me tell you something. I don't care what you think because I know that in my heart of hearts I am who I claim to be. So I don't have to prove anything to anybody. I mean, I'm Ed McMahon right? The king of sidekicks.......the host of StarSearch. And if you don't believe that, then that's your problem, not mine. I'm don't have to stand here and be insulted by the likes of you! So if you'll just make that sandwich you promised me, I'll be on my way.

Dave: [goes from serious to embarrassed] Gosh I'm sorry Mr. McMahon. I mean we had to make sure. You know there's a lot of crazies out there You could have been anybody.

Bruce: I told you it was Ed McMahon.

Dave: Get off my back, OK Phil?!

Mark: Hey relax you two. [acts like he's holding a sandwich] Sandwich?

Dave: Phil, could you make Mr. McMahon a *sandwich* please?

Bruce: [excitedly laughing] Wait till I tell George Carlon about this! [runs to kitchen]

[Dave bouncing excitedly. Motions for Mark to sit on the couch and mark does. Dave sits watching Mark while, in the background, Bruce rushes around making the sandwich]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video