Scott: The Drag Revolution

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[Scene takes place in the studio somewhere. Scott is sitting down on a chair and talks to the camera. Not that far behind him there's a door.]

Scott: What's really weird about the whole thing is that it started off so normal. You know, just a bunch of garden variety faggots out for a drink at their favourite gay bar "Daddy's". You see, my friend Roland had just finished writing his coming-out novel that was not cliche so we were celebrating. Well I have to admit we were all a little bit blitzed when it happened. My friend Blair was making one-word jokes through a marijuana fog and I was cruising criminals. You know. Last call. [background music and footage of the drag queen start off] *Then*, all of a sudden, this drag queen jumps up and starts waving an oozie around. She looks like a cross between Diana Ross and Conan.

Roland yells out, "Get down everybody! Miss Ross has a gun!"

Then, the drag queen starts talking. "Alright. Listen up fags," she says, [music stops] "this is the beginning of the drag revolution."

[view of Scott now standing] So I go, "'Scuze me? Aren't you a bit fat to be Diana Ross?"

Mistake number one. A large hairnet was thrown over my head and I passed out. I woke up in the backseat of a limousine. Dirty Diana was there beside me.

"Make one wrong move sweetie and I'll turn you dick into pate," she croaked.

"Can I at least gulp," I gulped. She SMACKED me.

Then, she turned to her driver - an old fag dressed like Jessica Tandy - and said, "Home Miss Daisy." [music, footage] Through the smoky glass of the limousine I could see the drag queens taking over the city. I saw a tiny Korean couple fighting for their dignity as a Linda Evangelista and Christy Turlington forced blonde wigs on their heads. I saw a little boy, no older than nine years old, be forced to dance in ill-fitting pumps as an ancient Cher with a (goyner) fired endless rounds of ammo at his feet. As the little boy cried, mascara ran down his cheeks. [music stops] I've seen things tonight that *nobody* [footage stops] should have to see. People talk about 'Nam Pen. *Don't make me laugh.* [background music] We finally pulled up at this big mansion. Diana shoved me out of the car [footage begins] and walked me up towards the door. At the door she paused.

Work it," she said. Then she shoved me inside.

My blood froze as I saw the horror that lay within. A party was in progress and every man that I'd ever known was there in drag. There was my old friend Bob the trapper singing 'The Man that Got Away' on a barstool by the piano. The good Reverend Hall going, "Sister, girl, la la." My friend Roland and Blair dressed as Madonna and Sandra and French-kissing each other. And my dad... dressed as my mom. [footage and music stop]

"Scott," he said, "feel my new tits. They're better than mom's."

[door opens and drag queen enters]

Man: Scottess? [Scott turns around] Aren't you coming into the party? I have to do my Barbra Streisand on you. It's going to take *hours*.

Scott: NO! NO! NO! [background music] NOT BARBRA!! [drag queen footage]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video