The Worst Waiter

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Sarah Jane Bodell and Rachel
Cast- Mark: Here's your wine sir.

Dave: Oh, great, thank you. Uh, I ordered white wine.

Mark: But this is red wine.

Dave: Yes, it is.

Mark: Oh, ok. I'll be right back. Hang on a second. [to the fat woman] Don't go away.

Kevin: Excuse me, but I've been waiting a long time.

Mark: Ah, well you know the 60's were hard on alot of people, weren't they? [waving arms, runs across restaurant, and up to Norm] Ah, excuse me! Excuse me! My hearing impared friend, there's something I have to tell you. I learned how to sign it. I've been studying that card you sold me. Ok, here goes. [signs something out in sign language] The management says you can't sell these here. [Norm makes obscene gesture and walks away] Hey, you ripped me off! That one's not in here you bugger. [chuckles]

Kevin: Am I next?

Mark: Yes. You're absolutely the very next person to be seated madam.

Kevin: You said it would be 5 minutes.

Mark: Well, I meant 5 long minutes, you know what I mean?

Kevin: Fine then I'll just leave.

Mark: No, no. Please don't leave! I'll find someone to uh..... [run over to Bruce's table] So are we all done here?

Bruce: Actually, we just got our food. Thanks.

Mark: Well, perhaps I could take your dessert order? You see we need the table.

Bruce: Well, we're going to be quite a while.

Mark: Um, could you give me some sort of guestimate, some sort of guestimation as to how long you think you might be?

Bruce: Five long minutes.

Mark: Five long minutes? I dont think we're going to get that particular table.

Kevin: You're not very good at this, are you?

Mark: Very perceptive! Quite right! I'm more of an actor, than a waiter. This is sort of reseach for me.

Kevin: Out of my way baffoon.

[Mark checks on Dave's table]

Mark: [to Kevin] Oh! You found a table! Good for you!

Kevin: I'd like to order right away!

Mark: Absolutely, yes.

[Scott walks over to the fence.]

Scott: Hey! Can I have the cigarette?

Mark: Uh, I'm afraid I don't smoke but I think some of our patrons do. [Kevin offers some] Ah! Bingo! Here we are! Right under our noses! [takes cigarette pack from Kevin's bag]

Scott: Can I have 7 of those?

Mark: Madam?

Scott: For my kids.

Kevin: [nods] Yes, alright, alright.

Mark: There you go seven. [hands cigarettes to Scott] Your order madam?

Kevin: Yes.....

[Scott farts and everyone looks at Kevin.]

Mark: Hey, good one madam!

Kevin: It wasn't me, it wasn't me. It was the dirty man by the fence. In fact, I wish you'd ask him to leave, frankly.

Mark: Absolutely, madam. [to Scott] Excuse me, could you please leave? You seem to be annoying this woman here.

Scott: I can't. My town burned down, and the police asked me to stay here 'til it's fixed.

Mark: Cour-age, cour-age. [to Kevin] Seems the authorities are already involved, madam.

Scott: Our hands are tied.

Mark: Yes. Take your order now?

Kevin: I will have the avocodo salad...

Mark: The avocado sal-lade.

Kevin: ...to be followed by the chicken paresion......

Mark: I'm sorry madam, but there's no hot food.

Kevin: Do you mean to tell me that this restaurant doesn't serve hot food? Mark: Oh no, the resturant serves hot food. It's just that I can't get you any. It seems that the chef isn't talking to me again this evening. If you know what I mean.

Kevin: Thats it, I'm going to storm out. And do you know why I'm going to storm out? Because you are a lousy waiter! [shaking finger at Mark] Isn't he? Isnt he a lousy waiter?

[Crowd applaudes Kevin, then he walks out.]

Mark: What? No tip?

[Everyone at the resturant boos Mark.]

Mark: Oh, I see. This is it, is it? We've decided to indulge in little gang group Nazi chanting, have we? Shame! Shame! I think we should all try and remember what Christ said when he said, "Let he who has no sin among you cast the first stone." Ok? Thank you.

[Everyone throws bread at Mark and inevitably Scott.]

Mark: Must be a full moon, eh?

Scott: Can you get them to throw some butter?

Mark: I'd rather not.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video