Darrill: Remembering Momma

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: ERigby1000@aol.com
Cast: Mark: Oh well here we are, my bedroom.

Dave: Well, I still can't believe you used that old line on me.

Mark: What line is that?

Dave: You know, about coming up to your room and seeing your etchings, I mean why didn't you just say I wanna make love to you. I want to make love to you.

Mark: So you don't want to look at them?

Dave: What? I just thought you and I were going to... So who's this? [Pointing at a painting of Scott in drag]

Mark: Oh, well that is a portrait in progress of my mother.

Dave: Is she still alive?

Mark: Oh, very much so, though I must admit when I left Belgium, it nearly killed her.

Dave: Well you know, you're better off because a lot of the men I've dated have been such momma's boys.

Mark: Oh! Well then you won't be disappointed in me. I'm the original momma's boy! A real tit clutcher *Waa!*

Dave: Really?

Mark: Yes, as a matter of fact most of the women I have been intimate with look a little bit like my mother.

Dave: Weeee.

Mark: Ah, but mamma was such a beautiful creature. I remember when we were younger we used to sit around the kercha- the kitchen and reminisce about....

[Fade to Mark as a young Darrill with short blond hair sitting at a table and Scott in a kitchen]

Scott and Mark: [singing] There's a kangaroo on my balcony!

Scott: Ha, ha, ha!

Mark: Hee, hee, hee!

Scott: There's a kangaroo on my...

Scott and Mark: ...balcony, I wish he'd go away.

[Scott laughs]

Mark: Momma!

Scott: Yes Darrill?

Mark: Momma!

Scott: Yes Darrill?

Mark: Momma!

Scott: Yes Darrill?

Mark: Momma!

Scott: Yes?

Mark: Can I have more mayonnaise for my potatoes?

Scott: Yes you may, my little genius.

Mark: Put it everywhere momma....

Scott: I am putting it...

Mark: .....Put it everywhere.

Scott: ...everywhere.

Mark: Put it everywhere.

Scott: More mayonnaise...

Mark: Put it everywhere.

Scott: ....and everywhere. [Dots Mark's nose with the mayo bottle.]

Mark: Not on my nose!... Momma?

Scott: Yes my pet?

Mark: Are you going to have another baby soon?

Scott: Perhaps.

Mark: Now if this baby's a girl, will you name it Laurali? And if it is a boy will you name it Thomas? (Pronounce Thomas like Toe-mas)

Scott: Darrill, if this baby is a girl, I shall name it Laurali and if it is a boy I shall name it Thomas, or Jean. (Pronounce French-like)

Mark: Or Jean? I hear that, that Jean is a better name than Frank but not such a good name as Thomas.

Scott: Ooo, and where did you hear that my pet?

Mark: Oh we talk about it in the school yard during our recess.

Scott: Ahhh...

Mark: Joseph (Pronounce Yos'-ef, barely pronouncing -ef) and I like to talk about the value of names, or the size of buildings in the distance. We have such fun.

[They laugh.]

Scott: Joseph, Joseph, he is your best friend now huh?

Mark: Oh, he is my only friend momma.

Scott: Joseph, is not, not such a good name like Darrill.

Mark: Oh, are there many better names that Darrill?

Scott: Yes, there's 17 better names.

Mark: 17 better names that Darrill?!

Scott: No, only five.

[They laugh]

Mark: Oh you fool me momma.

Scott: I fool you.... [inaudible.]

[Scott does a little dance]

Mark: Momma, momma, momma.

Scott: Yes, yes, yes.

Mark: May I touch your belly?

Scott: Touch my belly,my pet.

Mark: Momma, I have a question to ask you.

Scott: Oh, I have been waiting to hear this.

Mark: Momma, where do... pencils come from?

Scott: Pencils are made locally, in a factory.

Mark: Now, is it a small factory or is it a large factory?

Scott: Don't you think it would have to be a large factory?

Mark: Oh, no, not at all.

Scott: No? No?

Mark: In fact I could quite easily see it being a small factory, there just wouldn't be so many pencils.

[They laugh.]

[Sound of car pulling up outside. The horn honks]

Scott: Oh!

Mark: Poppa's home!

Scott: Poppa's home!

Mark: Poppa's home!

Scott: Poppa's home!

Mark: Poppa's home!

Scott: Hello poppa!

Mark: Hello poppa!

Scott: Hello poppa!

Mark: Hello poppa!

Scott: Hello poppa!

Mark: Hello poppa!

Scott: Hello-oh.

Mark: Oh, oh he's turning around.

Scott: Oh, he's turning around.

Mark: Bye poppa! [Waves.]

Scott: Bye poppa! [Waves.] Who needs him?

Scott and Mark: Kangaroo on my balcony...

Mark: Hee, hee, hee.....

[Fade back to bedroom]

Mark: So that was momma.... But what am I doing talking about momma? I have a beautiful woman sitting on my own bed!

Dave: Why thank you.

Mark: And, what I was wondering is if this beautiful woman would mind if I kissed her.

Dave: [ponders for less than a second] Nooope.

Mark: Momma! I'm ready for bed now!

[Scott enters]

Scott: Right here my little pet. Oh, are we playing doctor tonight?

[Dave looks perplexed.]

Mark: Yes, I think so momma.

Scott: Well then come with me Darrill and you can choose one of my night gowns for your lady friend to wear.

Mark: Oh goody.

Scott and Mark: There's a kangaroo on my balcony, and she's not wearing any clothes.

Scott: Ha, ha, ha, ha....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video