Dad Died

And Part 2 of Bruce's Double

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast- [In hospital waiting room. Both Dave and Bruce are offstage. Kevin is sitting, fretting, next to Bruce's double. Mark is sitting on the other side, out of shot.]

Man: He's in good hands. He'll be all right.

Overcom: Doctor David, telephone please.

Bruce: What are you doing?

Man: Bruce! Buddy! Pal!

Bruce: This is my show. This is my scene.

Kevin: [to each in turn] Bruce?! Bruce?!

Bruce: Man, I told you once before. Get out of here. Get the hell out of here.

[The fake Bruce leaves. The real one sits in his place.]

Kevin: It's uncanny. Look, how do I know--how do I know you're the real Bruce?

Bruce: Oh, shut up Kevin.

Kevin: It's the real Bruce.

Director: Okay, here we go again. In 3, 2, 1...action.

Kevin: I don't know.

Bruce: He'll be okay, he's in good hands.

Overcom: Doctor David, telephone please.

Bruce: Don't worry about it.

Overcom: Doctor David, telephone please.

[Dave enters.]

Bruce: Well?

Kevin: Any word?

Dave: I'm sorry. I did everything I could, but I'm afraid you father died...before I had a chance to see him.

Kevin: Our dad died?

Bruce: I can't believe it man.

Dave: [bad acting] I'm sorry, but I'm not a god. [throws down his paper cup in anger/dismay. Then looks with curious eyes to Bruce and Kevin to see if they are buying it.]

Kevin: I--I gotta break it to mom.

Bruce: Yeah.

Kevin: Oh, Greg, do you have a quarter? I'll go call mom.

Bruce: No, I don't wanna.

Kevin: What!?

Bruce: No.

Kevin: [loud whisper] What?

Bruce: To be honest, I'm sick and tired of you nickel and diming me to death.

Kevin: What are you talking about?

Bruce: A quarter here, a dollar there. It adds up you know.

Kevin: [laughing in confusion] I don't understand.

Bruce: Well, he's my dad, too. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you walk all over me.

Kevin: [loud whisper] Our dad just died.

Bruce: Fine. Then, why don't we split the price of the call. Doctor, you're impartial, does that sound fair?

Dave: Well, I think maybe you're both still in a state of....shock?

[Kevin gives a look of agreement and Dave smiles, pleased with his knowledge.]

Bruce: This guy is too much. I-I buy this guy Kentucky Fried Chicken, then I don't here from him for six months.

Kevin: I bought you a house!

Bruce: Okay, one thing. But, I bought you that book in Grade 8. I took you to a movie. I rented you my scuba gear, it came back. . .

Kevin: I bought you a house!!

Bruce: That's one thing!

Kevin: I bought you a house!!

Bruce: ...going on!

Mark: [walks into shot] Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I- I couldn't help overhearing about your dad. Would you let me give you the quarter?

Bruce: No way man! No way!

Dave: I-I think maybe you should let him.

Mark: Please.

Bruce: [like Bruce is doing Mark a favor] All right.

[Mark gives the coin to Kevin.]

Mark: Here.

Kevin: Thank you.

Mark: I'm really sorry man.

Kevin: Look-look, uh, you better give me two. I'm in such shock I might misdial.

Mark: Oh, sure. No-no problem at all. [Happily gives another quarter.] There you go, huh. [To Bruce:] Hey, God Bless.

Bruce: [waves him off to get away] Ahh!

[Mark leaves. Kevin, Bruce, and Dave pause, silently. Then all crack up at the same time.]

Dave: Oh boy! When you asked for that second quarter, I nearly lost it.

Bruce: Oh man, you're the best. You are so good.

Dave: Awww. But-but, I am-I am really sorry about your dad.

[Bruce and Kevin all the sudden seem sad.]

Kevin: Well, we turned it to our advantage.

Bruce: Yes, we did.

[Bruce takes one of the coins and flips it up, very pleased.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video