Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com[In hospital waiting room. Both Dave and Bruce are offstage. Kevin is sitting, fretting, next to Bruce's double. Mark is sitting on the other side, out of shot.]
- Dave- the bad doctor
- Bruce- Greg, one brother
- Kevin- other brother
- Mark- man reading paper
- Man- Bruce's double
Man: He's in good hands. He'll be all right.
Overcom: Doctor David, telephone please.
Bruce: What are you doing?
Man: Bruce! Buddy! Pal!
Bruce: This is my show. This is my scene.
Kevin: [to each in turn] Bruce?! Bruce?!
Bruce: Man, I told you once before. Get out of here. Get the hell out of here.
[The fake Bruce leaves. The real one sits in his place.]
Kevin: It's uncanny. Look, how do I know--how do I know you're the real Bruce?
Bruce: Oh, shut up Kevin.
Kevin: It's the real Bruce.
Director: Okay, here we go again. In 3, 2, 1...action.
Kevin: I don't know.
Bruce: He'll be okay, he's in good hands.
Overcom: Doctor David, telephone please.
Bruce: Don't worry about it.
Overcom: Doctor David, telephone please.
[Dave enters.]
Bruce: Well?
Kevin: Any word?
Dave: I'm sorry. I did everything I could, but I'm afraid you father died...before I had a chance to see him.
Kevin: Our dad died?
Bruce: I can't believe it man.
Dave: [bad acting] I'm sorry, but I'm not a god. [throws down his paper cup in anger/dismay. Then looks with curious eyes to Bruce and Kevin to see if they are buying it.]
Kevin: I--I gotta break it to mom.
Bruce: Yeah.
Kevin: Oh, Greg, do you have a quarter? I'll go call mom.
Bruce: No, I don't wanna.
Kevin: What!?
Bruce: No.
Kevin: [loud whisper] What?
Bruce: To be honest, I'm sick and tired of you nickel and diming me to death.
Kevin: What are you talking about?
Bruce: A quarter here, a dollar there. It adds up you know.
Kevin: [laughing in confusion] I don't understand.
Bruce: Well, he's my dad, too. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you walk all over me.
Kevin: [loud whisper] Our dad just died.
Bruce: Fine. Then, why don't we split the price of the call. Doctor, you're impartial, does that sound fair?
Dave: Well, I think maybe you're both still in a state of....shock?
[Kevin gives a look of agreement and Dave smiles, pleased with his knowledge.]
Bruce: This guy is too much. I-I buy this guy Kentucky Fried Chicken, then I don't here from him for six months.
Kevin: I bought you a house!
Bruce: Okay, one thing. But, I bought you that book in Grade 8. I took you to a movie. I rented you my scuba gear, it came back. . .
Kevin: I bought you a house!!
Bruce: That's one thing!
Kevin: I bought you a house!!
Bruce: ...going on!
Mark: [walks into shot] Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I- I couldn't help overhearing about your dad. Would you let me give you the quarter?
Bruce: No way man! No way!
Dave: I-I think maybe you should let him.
Mark: Please.
Bruce: [like Bruce is doing Mark a favor] All right.
[Mark gives the coin to Kevin.]
Mark: Here.
Kevin: Thank you.
Mark: I'm really sorry man.
Kevin: Look-look, uh, you better give me two. I'm in such shock I might misdial.
Mark: Oh, sure. No-no problem at all. [Happily gives another quarter.] There you go, huh. [To Bruce:] Hey, God Bless.
Bruce: [waves him off to get away] Ahh!
[Mark leaves. Kevin, Bruce, and Dave pause, silently. Then all crack up at the same time.]
Dave: Oh boy! When you asked for that second quarter, I nearly lost it.
Bruce: Oh man, you're the best. You are so good.
Dave: Awww. But-but, I am-I am really sorry about your dad.
[Bruce and Kevin all the sudden seem sad.]
Kevin: Well, we turned it to our advantage.
Bruce: Yes, we did.
[Bruce takes one of the coins and flips it up, very pleased.]