Cops: Long Night at a Crime Scene

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[View of yellow tape reading "CRIME SCENE", "DO NOT CROSS". Caption: "POLICE DEPARTMENT", "9:27 P.M. STANFIELD PARK". Behind the tape, Bruce and Mark are leaning against their car wearing sunglasses.]

Bruce: You know what I hate about working in the night shift?

Mark: No. What?

Bruce: Well uh, it's dark?

Mark: [looks around] Yeah I'll say.

[Mark and Bruce look at each other and then take off their sunglasses. Camera moves towards Scott who's searching a body lying on the ground. On the floor beside the dead body there is scattered popcorn and a box. Mark and Bruce walk towards Scott and stop.]

Mark: [to Scott] Hey Yates.

Scott: Huh?

Mark: Find anything?

Scott: No. Can't seem to find my badge anywhere.

Bruce: Damn.

Mark: Too bad.

Scott: [getting up] Yeah-ah. I think I might've dropped it on this guy.

Bruce: Well when I lose something what I do is uh visualize a map of the city and I break that map down into quadrants and uh what I do is mentally go through the streets that I've uh [Mark turns his head, sees something and walks towards it] driven in my cruise-area uh looking for the item or items that--

Mark: [to a bunch of people sitting behind the yellow tape looking at the dead body] Hey. Come on, come on, come on people. Move along. Haven't you ever seen a dead body lying in the street before?

People: [nodding] No.

Bruce: [Walks and stops near Mark. To Mark] Well, it is kind of exciting.

Mark: [Looks at his watch. To people] Okay then. Ten minutes and then you go home?

[people nod yes. Kicking noise. Bruce turns around and sees a boy kicking the dead body. Another boy is beside the body watching the other boy kick it.]

Bruce: Hey, cut that out.

[boys run away]

Mark: [looking at the kid running] Huh! No good's gonna come of that.

Bruce: I'll say partner.

Mark: [puffs] Boy it's gonna be a long night.

Bruce: I hope so. I could use the overtime.

Mark: Pft! I'll say. [looks at his watch]

[Caption: "10:03 P.M. STANFIELD PARK". Bruce and Mark each have one of their feet up on a bench nearby the dead body and are drinking 'coffee'.]

Bruce: Listen. I've been thinkin'. D'you think we'll ever use that stuff we uh learned in high school?

Mark: What stuff was that?

[Bruce gestures 'I dunno' with hands and face and then walks towards police car. Mark follows him. There, Scott is searching one of two guys leaning against the trunk of the car.]

Scott: Okay you're clean. [sighs] But if you find the badge turn it in. Okay? Get the hell out of here. [as the men walk away Scott kicks one of them in the butt] Scoot.

[a policewoman hands Mark some 'computer-generated' photos of the killer]

Bruce: Hey Sarge I think we might have somethin'.

Scott: [to the men] Don't get drunk and leave town!

[Dave walks in and stops near Scott who he pats on the back]

Mark: [to Scott] Who's this?

Scott: Uh he's helping out with the investigation.

Dave: So we gonna eat or what?

[Mark smiles; chuckles]

Bruce: Wow. He's good.

Mark: I'll say.

[Scott laughs and pats Dave on the back. Mark shows first photo to Scott. The man in the photo looks like Dave and Dave looks at that photo wide-eyed.]

Mark: So this is what they think uh the killer might look like.

Scott: Oh yeah...

[Mark shows second photo]

Bruce: And that's I guess what he'd look like uh with sideburns.

Mark: Yeah, uh-huh. [shows third photo] Oh. This is what they think he'll look like with a beard.

Scott: Right...

Bruce: [fourth photo] And that's what I guess he'd look like uh if he gained a lot of weight 'n kinda panicked 'n got a perm.

Scott: Yow.

Dave: So we gonna eat or what? Huh? You know eat? We gonna eat? Huh? Eat, eat, huh? Mangia? You know what I'm talking about? Are we gonna--

Scott: [laughing] Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah--

Dave: Well I just wanna know.

Scott: [laughing] --yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get this guy some grub, huh? [laughs and walks away with Dave]

[Bruce and Mark move a bit away from the car]

Mark: There's something strange about that guy.

Bruce: What do you think? [Mark gestures induced vomiting] He's got an eating disorder?

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Well you know we all deal with stress differently. Like uh--

Mark: How so Kyle?

Bruce: [Mark is startled as Bruce, looking up at the sky screams] AR-OOOOOOOO! [to Mark] Like that.

[Mark shakes his head]

[Bruce is sitting on the passenger chair in the police car with the door open. He puts a badge inside an envelope on the back of which there's a stamp and an address. The address is "DETECTIVE YATES", "52 DIVISION", "223 DUNDAS ST.", "TORONTO". He licks the envelope closed and puts it away. Mark is standing outside the car leaning against it, looking at Bruce, and eating a chocolate dip donut. Caption: "10:36 P.M. STANFIELD PARK".]

Mark: That's a classic partner. [laughs]

Bruce: I'd like to be there to see the look on his [gets out of car] puff face when he gets it in the mail. [laughs]

[a man walks behind Mark]

Man: Hey. [Mark turns around] Could I see your gun for a second?

Mark: [nodding] No sir.

Bruce: Well if you haven't seen a gun before it is kind of exciting.

Mark: [taking out gun and giving it to the man] 'Kay. Ten minutes.

Man: Very cool! [man walks away]

[Bruce sees the boy kicking the dead body again. The other boy is nearby eating some popcorn from the box beside the dead man.]

Bruce: Hey cut that out. What did we just tell you?

Kid: No I'm a different kid.

Mark: [to kid] Hey you little snot-rag.

[boys run away]

Bruce: [to Mark] Come on, let's get that John Doe outta here. He's caused enough [closes car door] trouble tonight. [walks away]

[Behind an ambulance van there are two police-people. They cover up the body now lying on an ambulance table. Bruce walks in behind the van.]

Bruce: [beckoning to the van driver.] Alright, back her up.

[Van drives ahead. Bruce smiles. The two people push the ambulance table towards the van. Mark walks toward Bruce looking in the van's direction.]

Mark: Hmm.

Bruce: Listen uh I've been meaning to tell you something.

Mark: Oh what? Like your life didn't turn out the way you'd hoped?

Bruce: No, that I liked your shirt--

Mark: Oh.

Bruce: --but now that you mention it I guess my life didn't turn out the way I hoped.

Mark: Tsk well...

Bruce: How did you know?

Mark: Hey, I'm a cop.

Bruce: Yeah.

[Bruce and Mark turn around and walk away]

Mark: Yeah. [taps Bruce's arm with his finger] You are too.

[as Mark and Bruce walk away, the man Mark gave the gun to shows up in camera's view 'playing' with the gun]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video