Scott Clones Himself

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Andrew Greenberg

Part One

[Bruce holding Evian and Dave holding mug.]

Bruce: Have you noticed something weird about Scott lately?

Dave: Yeah, he's acting kinda scary.

[Scott grabs Bellini's towel and swings it around and screams. Bellini has another towel underneath.]

Bruce: He's been acting so weird and different lately.

[Crew looks on as Scott keeps pouring coffee into a cup that's overflowing.]

Bruce: You know what he did today? He stole my bag of vegetables.

Dave: No!

Bruce: Yeah!

[Scott twirling carrot in jar of goo. Looks at camera man next to him. Licks his lips. Camera man starts away and Scott moves toward him with the carrot, licking his lips.]

Dave: I think it was his trip to Europe. I think it changed him.

Bruce: Your right! Actually, I noticed it--

[Kevin comes in with torn up shirt.]

Kevin: Oh my God! Scott just came on to me.

Bruce and Dave: what? what?

Bruce: Are you gonna press charges?

Kevin: No, Bruce, I just want to find out what's going on.

Dave and Bruce: You're right.

Bruce: Let's go.

[Bruce jumps around revealing he's wearing a towel with a "B" on it as a cape and runs out the door.]

Dave: Come on, we'll follow him on foot.

[Cut to Scott watching television.]

Woman on the TV: I'll take Paul Lynde to block.

Lynde on the TV: Oh! Thank you, darling. I really appreciate it, I was getting lonely up here. I was wondering where everyone went.

Scott: Oh, what a genius.

[Doorbell rings.]

Scott: Come in!

[They come in.]

Scott: Oh, hi guys.

Dave: Hello, Scott. Scott, what the hell is going on?

Scott: What do you mean?

Bruce: Why have you been acting so weird at work? Come on.

Scott: Oh sweet Jesus, he must have lost control.

Dave: He? What the hell are you talking about?

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: That person at work... it isn't me.

Bruce: Yeah, that can be said of all of us, Scott. So, what's your point, Scott?

Dave: Yeah. And what the hell is this thing?

Scott: Don't touch that!

[Dave pulls cloth off something that looks like the tin man with a picture of Scott's face on the head. The body is a trash can and the other parts are made of ducts and pots and pans and stuff. It has a little silver bow tie.]

Scott: Ok, that's a Scott Thompson android, phase one. That thing at work is Scott Thompson, phase two. I built them to take my place for a while.

Kevin: Why?

Scott: Why, Kevin? I didn't know. I felt I needed more time off.

Bruce: But you just had a vacation.

Scott: I know, but Europe was exhausting. Everything's at the top of a hill.

Dave: Well that's just great, Scott. While you're in here lounging around in your pile of pillows that thing is back in the studio ruining your reputation.

Scott: What do you mean?

Bruce: Well, he's coming on to every man in sight, Scott.

Scott: What?

Bruce: He even came on to... Kevin.

Scott: Kevin?

Kevin: Actually, I was flattered, but stern.

Scott: Oh no. I know what must have happened. I must have programmed in my own libido but forgot to factor in societal restriction.

[We see Scott Thompson, phase one. The camera moves down and we see a silver funnel swinging back in forth.]

Scott: You know what this means? No man is safe. Not even...

All: MARK!

[Cut to Mark.]

Mark: Aaaah-yi-aaaah! No, Scott. No, Scott.

[Scott's hands coming towards Mark. Scott's hands around Mark's neck.]

Part 2

Mark: Aaaah-yi-aaaah! No, Scott. No, Scott.

[Scott's hands coming towards Mark. Scott's hands around Mark's neck.]

[Everyone comes running. Scott stops them.]

Scott: No, Bruce. I've got to do this. Scott!

[Scott, phase two looks around starts toward Scott.]

Scott, Phase 2: I want you baby!

Scott: Hmm... no.

Scott, Phase 2: Uh... [Scott clicks a remote control.]

[A garage door opens]

Scott: Damn it, wrong one.

[Scott throws it behind him, Kevin ducks and Bruce catches it.]

[Scott phase 2 still coming, Scott takes out another remote and aims and clicks it.]

[The viewers' television shuts off, click, comes back on]

Scott: [to camera] Sorry.

Scott, Phase 2: [still coming, arms outstreached] uh... uh... oh... oh...

Scott: [with another remote control] Take that.

[Green light freezes Scott phase 2 in his tracks.]

Scott: Thank God.

[Scott goes up to Dave- who's drinking from his mug, Kevin- still in his torn shirt, and Bruce-who's still wearing his towel/cape.]

Scott: It's over boys.

Dave: Well, let's destroy the damn thing.

Scott: No, Dave!

[Scott stops Dave who takes another drink from his mug.]

Scott: It's my responsibilty. Besides, half my stereo system's in there.

Kevin: Let's get back to our unscripted lives.

[The three turn around and leave.]

Scott: You OK, Mark?

Mark: [hysterical, garbled speech]

Scott: Good.

Mark: [more garbled speech]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video