Chicken Lady: Strip Club

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scene opens in a male strip joint with a stripper on a stage; Chicken Lady puts money in his belt. Stripper ends up his act.]

Bruce: [who's voice is muffled by audience cries of, "Bring him back!"] OK, let's hear it for Miner Joe! Boy can he cut em! That's it for Miner Joe, That's the end of the show! Thank you Miner Joe!

Mark: Bring him back! Bring him back! Bring him back! I'll get him. [Jumps on stage] Miner Joe! Miner Jo-oe!

Bruce: Patrons are reminded not to get on the stage please. I'm not gonna tell you again, don't get on the stage please!

Mark: But I've got more money for Miner Joe!

Bruce: We can't bring in more dancers until you get off the stage please.

Mark: Uh-oh, That's bad, yeah.

Bruce: Stay tuned for more in five.

Mark: So what did the Bearded Lady think of Miner Joe?

Kevin: I liked him. Nice ass.

Mark: Yeah, nice ass... Did you see what I did? I put a dime in his navel, and, and, and it stuck. Know why? 'Cause he was sweaty. Yeah, yeah.... [to crowd] What are you looking at?

Kevin: The shows on the stage.

Mark: Yeah, you need six tickets if you wanna stare at me!

Kevin: You wanna fight? I'll give ya a fight! Come on, I'll take all of ya! Come on you wanna fight?

Mark: She knocked out a cow.

Kevin: Two cows.

Mark: Yeah! Boy what an uptight crowd, eh?

Kevin: How do they get in, That's what I wonder.

Mark: I want another drink, I want more drinks! Waiter! Waiter! Waiter!

[Dave enters]

Dave: I'm right here.

Mark: Waiter!

Dave: I'm, I'm right here!

Mark: We want more tequila!

Dave: Yes, uh, are you ladies sure that you wanna have another full bottle of tequila?

Kevin: Hey! We'll drink as much as we want; we're freaks!

Mark: Yeah!

Dave: And you never get drunk?

Mark: Oh, of course we get drunk; my brain's only as big as a walnut.

Dave: Oh, oh well That's, That's great, that'll be $30.

Mark: $30, come here, I wanna put it in your undies.

Dave: No, no, no! That's OK.

Mark: No I wanna put it in your undies.

Dave: That's OK, it's on me.

Mark: Yeah?

Dave: I'm buying, I'm buying, I'm buying. It's OK.

Kevin: Hey you want the worm?

Mark: Of course!

[Crowd is disgusted and gets up to leave]

Mark: SIT DOWN!!

Kevin: Some people's kids! [Makes the crazy sign with his finger by pointing at head]

Mark: God, they're nuts! They'll miss Tarzan, he's the best. He comes out, in this, in this loin cloth and, and then this lion guy comes out and attacks him and then, and then Tarzan takes off his loin cloth and the lion runs away 'cause he's scared.

Kevin: Of course he's scared, who wouldn't be?

Mark: Yeah! Who wouldn't be?

[Bruce comes back out on stage]

Bruce: OK ladies! Are you ready?! Yeah!

[Crowd cheers]

Mark: Yeah, yeah I'm ready, I'm ready for Tarzan! I'm ready for Tarzan! Yeah! Yeah! Ready!

Bruce: I'm sorry our regular act Tarzan won't be performing tonight. He pulled a groin muscle due to audience interference. So once again we remind our audience not to get on the stage. Please, don't get up on the stage!

Crowd: Yeah!

Mark: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Bruce: But I think you'll enjoy our replacement act, he's new to this stage but he's a very fine dancer. One hand clapping against another makes a very nice sound for Rooster Boy!!

[Mark freaks out!]

[Scott enters, dances toward Mark, takes off the first layer of his g-string and drops it on his head]

[Sound: KABOOM!]

[Chicken lady has a little explosion! Scott is thrown across the stage and the crowd clears. Mark calms down a little.]

Mark: Wanna get a taxi. Yeah.

[Kevin shakes head yes.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video