Navy Captain

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Andrew Greenberg
[Kevin is looking out with binoculars, Scott is behind the wheel and Dave is standing the stage right of them eating something. A fat man remains in the back of the screen for the entire sketch.]

Kevin: Ahh... full speed ahead. The ship is smooth sailing. Everything is going fine. No complaints from me and I'm the captain. Oh! Except for that iceberg. Better veer to the right. That's veer right, let's, uh, uh... miss that iceberg.

Scott: You handled that very well, Captain.

Dave: Yes, Captain.

Kevin: Well, I just gave the order. You're the one who actually turned the... uh, uh..big steering wheel.

Scott: Full speed ahead, Sir?

Kevin: Oh, good idea, first mate. I'll learn your name later. But you know, one thing keeps nagging away at the back of my brain. Why an iceberg in the South Pacific? Doesn't that seem odd?

Scott: You know, it did seem odd, Sir, but we didn't worry about it because it didn't seem to bother you.

Kevin: Do we have one of those large, flat, two-dimensional representations of the earth's surface?

Dave: A map, Sir?

Kevin: Uh, no. But that should do for now.

[Dave and Kevin walk to map in the back.]

Kevin: This isn't a full-scale representation of the earth's surface, is it?

Dave: No, Sir.

Kevin: Then what we have to do is assume that a small distance on the map is a much larger distance in reality. Okey-dokey. [pointing to map] So this is where we should be, in Tasmania, and this is where we actually are, in... uh oh.. the North Pole. [keeping distance on map between fingers, turns around to talk to Dave] Now, Mr. Navigator, we're this far off-course. How great a distance in reality does this represent?

Dave: Oh... seven million miles, Sir?

Kevin: Seven mill-- You're not a very good navigator, are you?

Dave: No, Sir!

Kevin: How were you hired, again?

Dave: [takes off hat revealing very nice hair] You liked my hair, Sir.

Kevin: I take the blame, people. I accept responsibility. [steps over to a announcement maker thing] Attention, everybody by the pool. Please don't dive in becaues the pool is quite likely frozen. This is a direct result of accidentally being in the North Pole. I suggest you get out of your wet swimsuits and into something warm. [turns off announcement thing then turns it back on] Mea culpa. [turns off p.a. thing] [to crew] We've had a long day. What say we knock off early?

Scott: Dontcha think, Sir, we should get back on course?

Kevin: Ah, yes. Well, let's see, since we've been going the wrong way forwards then to go the right way we simply have to reverse. Doesn't that make sense?

Scott and Dave: Yeah!

Dave: That makes great sense! Yeah!

Kevin: Full steam behind!

Scott: OK [Dave and Kevin turn around, facing the back of the room,]

[Ship shaking, crew running all around, alarm sounding.]

Kevin: What could that be?

Dave: [with food in mouth again] Captain? Remember that iceberg we just narrowly missed?

Kevin: Uh-huh.

Dave: Well, I think we just backed into it.

Kevin: Now what's that old seamen's saying about who gets on the lifeboats first? Is it Captain and his favorites?

Scott: No, Sir, it's women and children.

Dave: That's a moot point anyway, Sir, since you told us to get rid of the lifeboats.

Kevin: Did I? Why did I?

Dave: You felt they didn't inspire confidence, Sir.

Kevin: I am on a losing streak.

Dave: Yeah.

Kevin: All right everyone, fall in.

[Scott, Dave and the fat guy in the back form a line]

Kevin: [walking in front of the line they formed] Lads, this is a very difficult tim-- [sees fat guy] You look like a floater! [grabs onto him] All right! I'm ready! Damn the torpedos. All hands prepare to sink. Men, you're on shore leave!

Dave and Scott: [throw hats in the air] Yeeha! [run out]

Kevin: Hold me tight. Hold me tight.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video