Canada Abandons the Monarchy

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[Scene starts with a blue screen on which there's a logo similar to that of the CBC. Above the logo it says "SPECIAL"; below the logo it says "ANNOUNCEMENT". The screen fades into snow, then into an image of Scott. The images fade for a few seconds from the blue screen, to the snow, to Scott. Scott is in a room sitting down on a chair in front of a desk pressing some buttons on a little machine.]

Scott: [talking to somebody out of camera's view] Yes. Hmm? We've caught through have we? We've established contact have we? Good Brandon. Oh. We're on. [faces camera smiling] Oh. Hello... Allo Canada. God bless us all. [Takes out a newspaper and shows it to the camera. The headline reads "CANADA ABANDONS MONARCHY".] EXPLANATION PLEEEASE!! [slams newspaper on desk] The least you could have done was give us a call, a ring, a dingle. Oh no. Your faithful monarch has to read about it in a filthy tabloid like a commoner! It's humiliating! Now Canada, I want you never to forget that without me, you are nothing. Yes it's true. I'm the only thing that holds you together. Vous etes encore ensemble gras a nous. See? French. Unifying. And without me and the French you are just Americans. And yes it's true. And the Americans they only want you for one thing: your body. They don't love you like I love you. *I love you!* There I've said it. I love you. I know, I've never said it before but that's because you know, I'm English. I have a hard time with my emotions. You must know what I'm saying. But there it is. I love you! I love your, [picks up plate with Canadian bacon off desk and shows it to the camera] your, your peameal bacon. I love your, your, your pea soup [shows plate with pea soup to camera], your real maple syrup, your Mounties, your Ukrainian dancers, your fiddlers, your fiddleheads. I love your moose and your trappers and your coureur de bois. [climbs on desk] I love those funny little woodland creatures, your hockey players - like Wayne Gretzky! Wayne Gretzky takes Pierre Trudeau into the boards. Trudeau's down. Good! And the maple syrup bears are riding down the beautiful Saint Lawrence River on and boat and I...

Mark: [in doorway with another man beside him] Momsey...

Scott: [still talking to the camera] ...don't please I just...

Mark: Momsey.

Scott: ...I o-hoo...

Mark: Momsey. [Scott turns to face Mark. Mark, rolling his eyes says] Momsey!

Scott: Yes! What is it Edward?

Mark: Did you like my joke? [laughs]

Scott: Joke? Wha-what joke?

Mark: [rolls eyes] Momsey, my pretend [picks up newspaper] newspaper that I made up at the theater. [holds newspaper up and shows it to Scott] Look it says [points to words in headline as he reads them] Canada abandons the monarchy. [laughing] Nyeah, nyeah! [Turns to man beside him. They laugh and pat each other on the arms.]

Scott: [laughs] Edward, my youngest and most precious, I'm on the telly with Canada now.

Mark: [wide-eyed turns his head to look into the camera] Oh dear. Joke goes poof.

[a different camera is activated and both Scott and Mark turn to look at it]

Scott: [laughs] Well, yes, [Mark talks inaudibly to the man beside him] what a kettle of fish! Well we're off. This never happened. Back to your hockey matches and raging rivers.

[Mark puts newspaper back on Scott's desk. Image on screen changes to footage of a 'raging river' but the sound in Scott's room is still on.]

Scott: Edward, you humiliated me in front of an entire nation! Edward! Edward where are you?

Mark: Over here Momsey. Look. I caught a fish.

Scott: Put that back! That's *my* river!

Mark: Oh Momsey...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video