Buy Us Beer?

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[Scene takes place somewhere in the studio. Scott walks off a set towards two guys who are standing together.]

Scott: Ah.

Guy 1: [to Scott] Hey man!

Scott: Hey!

Guy 1: How's it going? [shakes Scott's hand]

Scott: Pretty good. Hi guys! [shakes Guy 2's hand]

Guy 1: Nice to meet you.

Guy 2: Great show. I loved it, yeah.

Scott: Hey you liked it did ya?

Guy 2: I loved it man. Yeah, yeah.

Scott: Yeah? Yeah? Did it uh appeal to your youthful sensibilities?

Guy 1: [stammers] Oh yeah!

Scott: Yeah.

Guy 1: Yeah. I-It's funny.

Guy 2: Except for the fag part.

Guy 1: Yeah, I didn't like it.

Scott: Fag parts.

Guy 2: The fag part.

Scott: The fag parts. Yeah! Well, about that you see we're under an awful lot of pressure from the CBC to include at least thirty-percent homosexual content. So that's that you know. Yeah.

Guy 1: Hey listen man. D'you, d'you, d'you think you could do us a favour?

Scott: A favour? An autograph? Sure. I'll get a pen. Beth uh--

Guy 1: Uh no uh could you buy us some beer?

Scott: Buy you some beer?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: Well we-, we're of age you know? We just don't have our IDs on us, we gotta go all the way home and uh...

Guy 2: Too far. Yeah.

Guy 1: Yeah askin' you...

Scott: Oh... home... Yeah so uh, so you're both nineteen.

Guy 1: No uh actually we're twenty. But--

Guy 2: Yeah. We just look kinda young for our age eh? Just like you.

Guy 1: Just like you. Just like you.

Scott: Just like me.

Guy 2: Just like you.

Scott: Just like me...

Guy 2: Just like you.

Scott: [to the camera] Wow. What a moral dilemma! As a celebrity I'm a role model to these children. If I buy them beer [the two guys walk a little away] what am I saying to *them*? To their parents? To the viewing audience? Granted I know when I was young and I used to hang out outside beer stores and I'd get a grown-up to buy me beer, for a brief second I thought adults were okay. Now if I wasn't an HBO slash CBC star I'd buy it no problem. But you know how it is, it's--

[In the background, as Scott talks to the camera, Guy 2 directs Guy 1 to look in the direction Guy 2 is pointing to. From that direction Bruce shows up with two packs of canned beer - there's six in each.]

Bruce: [handing them the beer] There you go guys. [takes out a liquor bottle from his vest pocket and drinks]

Scott: What am I doing?! Of course I'll buy them beer! I'm cool! I'm hip! Sure. [turns around] Hey guys! [Sees them with Bruce who's handing Guy 2 the liquor bottle. The boy takes a sip then gives Bruce his bottle back.]

Guy 1: [to Bruce] Thanks a lot man. You are the greatest.

Bruce: Yeah. Cool.

Guy 2: Saturday, right?

Bruce: Yeah well I'll try you know. I'm busy eh?

Guy 1 or 2: Alright. Thanks a lot eh?

Guy 1: Take care.

[guys leave]

Bruce: Good. Hey Scott. [tilts his head and walks away]

Scott: [to Bruce] I'M TELLING! [turns around] YVONNE! [walks away]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video