Burglar

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Shows clock radio, beside picture of the bowling guy's wife. It goes from 7:54 to 7:55. Shows picture of the bowling guy with bowling ball on dresser beside trophies. Shows Bruce in the shower, there's a bump from the adjoining room. He sticks his head out. Shows the curtain, open, fluttering. Goes back to Bruce, shaking his head. Something breaks in the other room, he sticks his head back out. Shows a broken vase. Scott and a kid who's holding a radio are standing on either side of the vase. They're frozen, looking at each other. Bruce sticks his head out of the shower again.]

Bruce: Mary, is that you?

[Scott and the kid run all over the room, looking for a place to hide. Bruce steps out of the shower. The kid hides behind a bureau. Bruce grabs a towel. Scott grabs a trophy. Bruce puts on the slippers worn by Kevin in "New Boots." Scott hides in the corner. The kid ducks down. Scott raises the trophy. Bruce comes out of the bathroom, looks around, and sees the window.]

Bruce: Hmmmm.

[Scott hits him over the head with the trophy.]

Bruce: Uuuuhh...

[He falls over.]

Kid: Wow. Good one dad.

[Scott holds his arms out, kind of bowing, proud. He laughs.]

Scott: Come on.

[The kid picks up a big black duffel bag and goes over to his dad. The kid looks down at Bruce and kicks him.]

Scott: Hey! Dignity. Now out the window.

[They go to the window. Scott takes the bag. The kid crawls out.]

Scott: Here. Come on. Come on. Jump!

[The kid jumps down into the alley. Scot pokes his head out the window with the bag.]

Scott: Catch!

[He throws the bag down, nearly knocking the kid over.]

Scott: Good one!

[He goes back inside. Scott turns to look at the room. The clock reads 8:01.]

Scott: Aahh.... A clock radio. I could really use one of those.

[Scott pokes out of the window again.]

Scott: I'm gonna be out in a couple of minutes. Meet me at the place, okay?

Kid: okay.

Scott: [Thumbs up, turning back to the room.] All right.

[Scott turns to the room, looks at the floor, and gasps.]

Scott: Wha?

[Shows the floor. It has the wet outline of Bruce. Bruce sneaks up behind Scott, growling with a belt. He yanks it around Scott's neck. They struggle. Bruce heaves himself onto Scott's back. The kid is staring at the window in the alley. Bruce and Scott struggle, grunting, screaming. Bruce making insults. They knock over some trophies and the picture of Bruce. A miniature bowling ball rolls off of the trophy. Scott trips on it, and they both fall back onto the nightstand turning on the radio on the clock that reads 8:05. Fun fiesta music starts. The kid looks at the window, really confused. Bruce and Scott struggle some more. The kid sighs, leaves. He walks past Mary, coming up the alley. Bruce and Scott still struggle. Shows Mary's high heeled feet coming up the corridor. Shows her face. Bruce and Scott struggle. A bowling ball falls off the bureau, hits Scott's feet, they both fall back onto the nightstand again. Bruce's head hits the wall, knocking him out. Bruce's hand hits the snooze button, stopping the music. The clock reads 8:10. Scott is gasping for air. Shows Mary's hand unlocking the door. The steam from the bathroom is filling the room. Scott stumbles across the room grabbing at the belt with Bruce still on his back. He falls over, dying. Mary walks through the steam.]

Woman: Baby, what are you doing in there? [She looks in the bathroom. She looks at the bed and gasps. Bruce is lying on Scott's back, naked.]

Woman: Oh my God.

[Bruce wakes up, pushes himself up.]

Woman: What?

[Bruce turns.]

Woman: Gary, are you gay again?

Bruce: [Showing his bare ass] No.

[The clock radio, which reads 8:12, starts the fiesta music again.]

Bruce: I can explain it.

[The kid's at the Laundromat sitting on a washing machine with the bag and a drink, bored and waiting. He checks his watch.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video