Buddy/Tammy: Introducing Tammy!

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by: KITHFREAK@usa.net
Cast: [Scene: Buddy's in a spotlight and it's dark all around him]

Scott: They say that behind every great man there's a woman; and behind every great lady, there's a preening fag. Let me just say, I've had my finger in a few pies. [Holds up a picture of Madonna] Remember her? But she's getting a little tired. [drops picture into a glittery wastebasket] So? It's on to bigger and blonder things. And just last week, I was in a MacDonald's, [aside] for the cruising, [back to front] and who should I see behind the counter, but my destiny. A solemn little malcontent grudgingly making French fries for a unsympathetic world... so I ordered some. And when I heard her say, "Mr. Cole, would you like a beverAGE with that?" I knew that I had found my Eliza Doolittle. Underneath that paper hat lay unlimited pop potential AND TREMENDOUS HAIR! You've probably heard of her. Popular music's latest singing sensation and role model for teenaged girls and fags everywhere... TAMMY!!!!

[music video starts... same Tammy music always... "Vogue-esque" ]

Bruce: [singing] Segregation.... Penetration... Indignation... and dance... and dance... Oooo, oooo.... Mmmm, mmmm... Huh-uh, Huh-uh... Segregation... Hibernation... penetration... across the nation... Indian Nation... And dance... and dance... DANCE!

[Back to Buddy]

Scott: Heavy, eh? The unfortunate part of her overnight success is that now that people have heard her sing, they want to hear her TALK. So, I invited my Pop Media Cronies over for a good old-fashioned press conference. But I'm going to have to help her out because, well [he puts on some Elton John type sun glasses], she's a little young, a little nervous, and really stupid.

[Sound of a harp... the lights come up. A microphone rises from the stage, which Buddy "helps along" like it's someone he knows. A stage comes rolling in with Tammy and her two "bookend" dancers.]

Scott: [referring to the rising microphone] Oh? Mmmmmmm... Oh, yes. [to Tammy] Oh, you look gorgeous. Tammy, I'd love to introduce you to the ladies and gentlemen of the press.

Press: [rising from out of nowhere, all smiles] HI TAMMY!!!

Scott: Oh, they are so nice. Well you're obviously in good hands, so I'm just going to boogie-woogie over here behind this curtain, Okay? [to Tammy] Break a gam. [ to the press] She's all yours. [Scott exits behind the curtain.]

Press: [shouting for her recognition] TAMMY, TAMMY!! TAMMY, TAMMY!

Dave: TAMMY, OVER HERE! I HAVE A QUESTION, TAMMY! TAMMY, ANSWER ME, TAMMY! TAMMY, TAMMY [the rest go quiet] Do you have a boyfriend, Tammy?

Bruce: [obviously lip-synching to Scott's voice coming over the P.A. system] No. I'm too busy with my career to worry about boys. There will be plenty of time for boys after I get married. Next Question!

Press: TAMMY, TAMMY!! TAMMY, TAMMY!

Kevin: Tammy? Being a 90's woman is rough, I mean, there are so many controversies over make-up. What are your feelings on that?

Scott's Voice/Bruce mouthing: Mmm-hmmm, mmm-hmmm, yes! Well, I feel that make-up is an individual woman's decision, and that the State should never be involved. Next Question!

Dave: Tammy, what do you feel about the Gulf War?

Scott's Voice/Bruce mouthing: GOSSIP! Although once I was in Saddam's tent. and I said, "Saddam, what is it you really want?" And he said, "Kuwait." And I said, "No, I can't wait." And then the coziest little sand storm started...

Mark: Tammy... Why do you sound like your manager?

Scott's Voice/Bruce mouthing: I've got a cold? Sort of a cold, sort of a flu. You know it's...

[Mark opens the curtain to reveal a very elaborate P.A. system reminiscent of the one in the movie "The Wizard of Oz."]

Scott:[into the microphone] Ahh! Ignore the man behind the curtain! I am the great and powerful Tammy, singing sensation...

Mark: Hey! It's that middle-aged woman again!!

Press: Booo! Booo! We want to hear Tammy Talk! Let's hear Tammy talk!!

Scott: Fine! [aside] Just like Boy George! [Scott exits]

Press: TAMMY, TAMMY!! TAMMY, TAMMY!

Dave: Where do you get your ideas, Tammy?

Bruce: I think them up?

Dave: `kay.

Mark: Tammy? What's your stand on abortion?

Bruce: Never on the first date.

Press: Eeewwww!

Dave: Tammy? How do you fell about the crack epidemic?

Bruce: Still?

Press: [all asking questions over one another... it's a lot of jumbled words that you can barely make out. ]

Bruce: STOP IT!!! [looks at a tear he has wiped off on to his hand] You're tearing me apart! One question at a time, please. [points to Kevin] You!

Kevin: If there was one bit of advice you would give to the youth of today, what would it be?

Bruce: DANCE!!!!

[music starts again. The press, Tammy and the bookends are dancing. Scene changes to Scott in a basket of a hot-air balloon with the rest of the people in the background.]

Scott: Well, I guess she doesn't need me anymore. She's all grown up. It reminds me of the time when I was having sex with Charles Manson in front of the television. And Squeaky said, "Would you two sit down up there? You make a better door than a window." [cuts the rope and the balloon starts to rise] We're off! Goodbye, Tammy! It's been wonderful! Au revoir, everybody! Goodbye!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video