Horny Patient

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Doctor's office. Kevin is in his shorts and nothing else, sitting on the cot and reading a brochure thing. Scott comes in.]

Scott: I'm sorry to have kept- I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Parks.

Kevin: That's okay, I was reading about cholesterol. I had no idea.

Scott: Okay, now first of all, I'm going to have a listen to your heart.

[Scott uses stethoscope.]

Kevin: It's okay, I brought it with me.

[They laugh.]

Kevin (V.O.): Boy, she really likes me. I mean why else would she ask me to strip down to my shorts.

Scott: Hmm, take a deep breath.

Kevin (V.O.): I'm sure she doesn't ask everyone to strip down to their shorts. I mean, this is the farthest I've gone with any woman. It's obvious she wants me!

[Scott takes out ear thing.]

Scott: Are you going anywhere for vacation this summer?

Kevin (V.O.): Why would she ask me that? I'm sure she doesn't ask all her patients that.

Kevin: Well, I don't like to fly, and I don't like the heat, so I think I'll take another air conditioned bus tour of the city and chat up the tourists again this year.

Scott: Personally, I love the sun. I can't get enough of it.

Kevin (V.O.): We have so much in common. Oh my God, she's running her fingers through my hair. Does she want me to kiss her?

[Kevin puckers up. Scott doesn't notice, takes out reflex thing.]

Scott: I'm gonna check your reflexes, okay? Now-


Kevin: Okay.

Scott: Just relax.

[Scott checks reflexes with one hand on Kevin's thigh.]

Kevin (V.O.): Oh, my God she's really close to Mr. Bilbo. I hope he doesn't get any ideas and make a break for it! That's the closest any woman has gotten to Mr. Bilbo.

Scott: That's odd.

Kevin (V.O.): She's all over me, what a tease!

[Kevin waves his arms around, excited.]

Scott: Mr. Parks, do you eat any fruit?

Kevin: No, is that bad?

Scott: Hmm. [Gates a tongue depressor.] I'm going to have to take a look at your gums, okay, open wide.

Kevin (V.O.): Oh, my God, she's gonna kiss me. Land a juicy one, baby!

[Kevin's tongue pushes the depressor out.]

Kevin (V.O.): Tongue me! I am your love slave!

[Scott goes to clipboard, Kevin points at his mouth, dances around.]

Kevin (V.O.): This is it, get ready Mr. Bilbo!

Scott: Mr. Parks. [Pause.] You have scurvy.

Kevin: Oh yeah?

Scott: Now I'm going to have to recommend another appointment with you, and I think we might have to check you into a hospital to get the necessary minerals and vitamins into your body. Now you wait here, and I'll be right back.

[Scott exits.]

Kevin (V.O.): All right! Another appointment! She must really want me!

Scott: We've got a very sick man here!

[Kevin pulls out a tooth.]

Kevin: She loves me.

[Kevin pulls out another tooth.]

Kevin: She loves me not.

[Kevin starts pulling out another tooth.]

Kevin: She loves me!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video