Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
[Doctor's office. Kevin is in his shorts and nothing else, sitting on the cot and reading a brochure thing. Scott comes in.]
- Kevin- Mr. Parks
- Scott- Nurse Unloop
Scott: I'm sorry to have kept- I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Parks.
Kevin: That's okay, I was reading about cholesterol. I had no idea.
Scott: Okay, now first of all, I'm going to have a listen to your heart.
[Scott uses stethoscope.]
Kevin: It's okay, I brought it with me.
Kevin (V.O.): Boy, she really likes me. I mean why else would she ask me to strip down to my shorts.
Scott: Hmm, take a deep breath.
Kevin (V.O.): I'm sure she doesn't ask everyone to strip down to their shorts. I mean, this is the farthest I've gone with any woman. It's obvious she wants me!
[Scott takes out ear thing.]
Scott: Are you going anywhere for vacation this summer?
Kevin (V.O.): Why would she ask me that? I'm sure she doesn't ask all her patients that.
Kevin: Well, I don't like to fly, and I don't like the heat, so I think I'll take another air conditioned bus tour of the city and chat up the tourists again this year.
Scott: Personally, I love the sun. I can't get enough of it.
Kevin (V.O.): We have so much in common. Oh my God, she's running her fingers through my hair. Does she want me to kiss her?
[Kevin puckers up. Scott doesn't notice, takes out reflex thing.]
Scott: I'm gonna check your reflexes, okay? Now-
Scott: Just relax.
[Scott checks reflexes with one hand on Kevin's thigh.]
Kevin (V.O.): Oh, my God she's really close to Mr. Bilbo. I hope he doesn't get any ideas and make a break for it! That's the closest any woman has gotten to Mr. Bilbo.
Scott: That's odd.
Kevin (V.O.): She's all over me, what a tease!
[Kevin waves his arms around, excited.]
Scott: Mr. Parks, do you eat any fruit?
Kevin: No, is that bad?
Scott: Hmm. [Gates a tongue depressor.] I'm going to have to take a look at your gums, okay, open wide.
Kevin (V.O.): Oh, my God, she's gonna kiss me. Land a juicy one, baby!
[Kevin's tongue pushes the depressor out.]
Kevin (V.O.): Tongue me! I am your love slave!
[Scott goes to clipboard, Kevin points at his mouth, dances around.]
Kevin (V.O.): This is it, get ready Mr. Bilbo!
Scott: Mr. Parks. [Pause.] You have scurvy.
Kevin: Oh yeah?
Scott: Now I'm going to have to recommend another appointment with you, and I think we might have to check you into a hospital to get the necessary minerals and vitamins into your body. Now you wait here, and I'll be right back.
Kevin (V.O.): All right! Another appointment! She must really want me!
Scott: We've got a very sick man here!
[Kevin pulls out a tooth.]
Kevin: She loves me.
[Kevin pulls out another tooth.]
Kevin: She loves me not.
[Kevin starts pulling out another tooth.]
Kevin: She loves me!