Bruce: Open Letters

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ

Open Letter to the Guy Who Stole Bruce's Bike Wheel

Transcribed by: janet_langdon@magic.ca
Scott [Voice-Over]: And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the guy that stole his bike wheel.

[Bruce enters, bike lowered from above. Lots of "Ah"s from the audience]

Bruce: Well, why did you do it? Are you some sort of jerk or something? It's *my* front wheel! What did you think, that I'd -- drive home and not notice it was stolen? What are you then? Some sort of *prick*? Some sort of idiot? Some sort of thief? What would you do with just my front wheel anyway? What good would just one wheel be? You human loser! Well, why didn't you buy your own wheel if you wanted one so badly. That's what I did.

[Music starts as Bruce turns away and stops when he turns back.]

Well, don't you think I need that wheel? Well, well, what were you thinking? JERK!

Scott [Voice-Over]:That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the guy that stole his bike wheel.


Open Letter to the People Who Watched the Guy Steal Bruce's Bike Wheel

Transcribed by: Tom Walsh
Scott [Voice-Over]: And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched the guy steal his bike wheel.

[Bruce enters, bike lowered from above]

Bruce: Well, you knew it wasn't his wheel! What did you think? He was coming back for the rest of his bike later? Well, why didn't you do something? Why didn't you say something? You human piece of apathy! Why didn't you say, "Hey! That's not your wheel! That could be Bruce McCulloch's wheel! We love him! And he loved that wheel!" Just eatin' brunch. Well, didn't you think I needed it? I did! Well, look at that! Feast on that act of violence! Good work, Einstein! Pus!

Scott [Voice-Over]: That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched while the guy stole his bike wheel.

[Bumper video of Bruce walking his incomplete bike.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video