Bruce: 17 Inches

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
Cast: Bruce: [walks into camera's view] Hi. Uh, usually I don't like to do this: comment [shows letter] on a letter we've received. For me fan letters are like... my friends' girlfriends. I like to just look at them, smile, and say nothing. But anyway this one sort of caught my eye. So I thought I'd share it with you.

"Dear Bruce, when I saw you on the street the other day, boy you sure were small. [pouts and looks into camera and around] I mean I knew you weren't huge but I never thought you'd be smaller than me. Can you explain? Tara Blanchard, age ten."

Well Tara, [drops letter on floor] first of all I'd like to say that I'm comfortable with my height, you know, average height... well, slightly below average height maybe, C minus height, but still I'm comfortable with it. I mean I guess sometimes on TV people look a little bit bigger but... you know, I'm honest about it. I guess using honesty as a compass I'm gonna do something that you don't see a lot of my counterparts do. I'm actually gonna measure my height right here on TV. Lars are you still around? [looks around for Lars] Lars? [man walks on stage and stops near Bruce] Uh, Lars, Lars would you measure me please? [using measuring tape man measures Bruce] And how tall am I Lars?

Man: [looks at measuring tape and says] Seventeen inches.

Bruce: [speechless and stunned] Well I'm not seventeen inches!

Man: Seventeen inches sir...

Bruce: Thanks.

Man: Straight on. [walks off]

Bruce: I thought I was maybe 5'7'' but this is some sort of bizarre joke. Dave? Dave Foley's my buddy. Dave, are you around here?

Dave: [Dave's head comes in from the right side of the screen and his head is roughly as big as Bruce's entire body] Uh, y-yeah Bruce? What's up?

Bruce: How tall am I Dave?

Dave: Uh, I don't know. Eleven, twelve inches?

Bruce: Seventeen! [jumps up, forms fist and tries to punch Dave]

Dave: [laughing] Hey, okay little pal, hey. Calm down, huh? [more seriously] Oh, oh and uh Bruce, you might wanna be careful. I uh saw a cat in the studio and he uh he looked kinda hungry. [lifts a mug to his mouth, sips what is most likely coffee, and retreats]

Bruce: Hmm... [Walks, picks up a big black mug (which is about as big as half his body) and drinks from it as he walks over to a giant armchair on which he rests his cup, climbs, and sits. Then, in a high-pitched voice he says] I'd like to thank you Tara for bringing reality to light. I guess I've learned that self-image is a weird and wonderful thing. Well, back to the show.

[camera zooms out so you can see a giant cat beside Bruce's armchair]

Cat: Meow. [continues meowing while walking around the chair]

Bruce: Beth, there's a cat in the studio. What's a cat doing in the studio, Beth? This is bunkum. This is bunkum, Beth. [Bruce says one more thing but it is very imperceptible because of audience cheering and background music]

[After the scene is over, a little video appears with Bruce beside the drawing of a monkey with which he compares height using his hand to trace his height from above his head to the monkey's head. He seems disappointed to find that he's only as tall as the monkey.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video