Axe Murderer: Can He Borrow Your Axe?

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
Cast:

[Scene takes place in Kevin's kitchen. He's sitting down at a table, doing a puzzle and drinking from a cup. Dave knocks at his door seven times.]

Kevin: Just a second. [goes to open door]

Dave: [in Kevin's doorway wearing a suit with several bloodstains on it] Hi. I was wondering if I could use your phone. It's a, it's a bit of an emergency. Um, see I've been the victim of an axe murderer.

Kevin: Yes of course, of course. Come in.

Dave: [as he enters and goes over to phone] Oh thank you. Thank you so much.

Kevin: Is everything all right?

Dave: Oh yes. [picks up phone and starts dialing] I just figured I should probably call the police and let them know about this and uh [stops dialing and hangs up phone]--

Kevin: Is something wrong?

Dave: Well yeah actually I... feel a little bit guilty. I'm, I'm afraid I got you to let me in here under sort of false pretenses.

Kevin: Oh?

Dave: Yeah. You see I *am* an axe murderer. And I, I, I have a favour to ask of you.

Kevin: Yes?

Dave: Well you see I wa-, I was next door uh chopping up your neighbours, the um, the uh, the uh--

Kevin: The Dumonds.

Dave: The Dumonds yes. Thank you. And well I guess I was chopping them up and I guess I, I've, I've pulled back too quickly and the head flew off my axe and it smashed through the window and I, I dyeah-- I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's really kind of embarrassing but uh, anyway I went out and it was so dark I couldn't see my hand in front of my face and I saw that your lights were on and I thought, "Hey, why don't I go over there and borrow uh *your* axe?" So uh, so could I, could I borrow uh your axe please?

Kevin: I'm sorry. I, I don't own an axe.

Dave: Really?! You, you don't, you don't have an axe?

Kevin: No I'm sorry.

Dave: Hooh.

Kevin: Oh, oh wait a second. [goes over to counter and opens the door of a cabinet below it] Hold on. [from cabinet he takes out a little axe with a rubber head which he brings back and shows to Dave] It's a souvenir from a trip to Arizona.

Dave: Oh. [takes axe from Kevin's hands] Well it's, it's very nice. But um it's rubber [squeezes together the front and back of the head of the axe with his hand] you see.

Kevin: I've never used it. Oh!

Dave: Well...

Kevin: Oh, I have a hacksaw.

Dave: Oooh. I'm an axe murderer. [puts rubber axe on table]

Kevin: [goes to sink] I have a hatchet under the sink. [opens door to cabinet below sink]

Dave: Oh okay.

Kevin: Oh yes. [takes out hatchet] Ooh. [shows hatchet to Dave] Is this any good?

Dave: Hmmm... [takes hatchet from Kevin] You're sure you don't have a, a, have a, have a big, a big dangerous axe at all?

Kevin: Positive.

Dave: No? Well you know this will uh, this will take a little longer but beggars can't be choosers huh?

Kevin: Yes it's true.

Dave: Okay. [walking towards door followed by Kevin] Well thank you very much. Thank you and again I, I, I really do [both are at door] apologize for disturbing you so late at night and uh, oh oh, and uh please don't call the police or uh [swaying the axe] chop, chop! [Kevin takes a step back startled. Dave laughing] It's okay, I'm sorry, it's okay. [opens door] Thanks. [leaving] Bye-bye!

Kevin: Bye. [Closes and locks door and goes over to a cabinet, opens its door and takes out a rifle which he takes with him back to the table where he was previously doing his puzzle. He sighs and sits down.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video