Awards Show

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
Cast:

[Scene starts with a view of an auditorium packed with people clapping.]

Voice-Over: And now, to present the award for best actor [view of stage on which Scott and Mark are walking towards a lectern behind which they stop] please welcome Liam Gernzy and Chalice!

[Mark looks at Scott and directs him to look at the teleprompter. Somebody whistles.]

Scott (C): [leaning to see the teleprompter and reading] Well Liam, you recently played a police officer in your movie 'The Badge'. Is that why you look so... [strains to see the teleprompter] arresting this evening?

Mark (LG): [reading off the teleprompter] Um... Yeah, you also played a policewoman in one of your movies. Is that why tonight you're so busted? [looks at Scott's chest]

Scott (C): Perhaps. [rolls his eyes]

Mark (LG): [reading off the teleprompter] But tonight we're not cops.

Scott (C): No.

Mark (LG): [reading off the teleprompter] Tonight we're here to present the award for best actor.

Scott (C): Yes. [leaning to see teleprompter] And the nominees are--

Mark (LG): [reading off the teleprompter] Tyler Winston, for his portrayal of a deaf [Image of Dave in the auditorium with the words at the bottom reading "BEST ACTOR NOMINEE: TYLER WINSTON". He leans to the woman beside him to hold her hand.] man fighting injustice in 'Hear the Light'.

[Auditorium audience applauds. Scene changes to movie-clip. Outdoors, a group of demonstrators are holding up picket signs reading "SCREW THE DEAF!" and "CITY UNFAIR TO DEAF!"]

Mark (S): [on podium behind a lectern in front of microphones talking to the demonstrators] So unless anyone has anything else to say, I think that concludes our MEETING! YEAH! [demonstrators clap and cheer] Ha-ha! Hey. He-hey!

[View of a woman and Dave amongst the demonstrators. The woman is signing to Dave. Background music starts off 'quietly'. Dave makes OK sign to woman. Woman smiles.]

Dave: Wait! I've got something to say. [as he pushes the demonstrators out of his way to make his way to the lectern] Let me through. Let me through. Let me through. Let me through. [climbs on podium and stops behind the lectern] I can't believe what I am lip-reading here today. [Music becomes increasingly 'dramatic'. View of the woman from before looking at Dave.] Now I may not be able to hear with these [points with right hand to right ear], but you people, you can't hear [makes fist with right hand and points to his heart] with THIS! [music is at its dramatic peak]

[End of clip. Music stops. Auditorium audience applauds. View of Dave holding the hands of the woman next to him. View of the stage with Mark LG and Scott C. Mark is clapping. Then he directs Scott to the teleprompter.]

Scott (C): [reading off the teleprompter] Uh Todd Langdon for his portrayal of a handicapable man [View of Mark TL chewing gum and smiling. At the bottom of the screen the caption reads "BEST ACTOR NOMINEE: TODD LANGDON".] fighting corruption in 'Rolling Tall'.

[Auditorium audience applauds. Scene changes to movie-clip. In a room, a group of people (including The Vacant Lot) are holding picket signs reading "I LOVE BUMPS", "UNFAIR" and "PROGRESS".]

Scott (S): [on a podium behind a lectern and a microphone] Now I'm not against helping the handicapped. It's just that I'm tired of lining up for a restaurant on a slant. Okay. So we take down all the wheelchair-accessible ramps and replace them with large bumps. [people in room cheer] Large bumps! [gets off podium and smiling and laughing he starts shaking people's hands]

People in room: [chanting] Large bumps!

Scott (S): [as he shakes hands with somebody] Thanks kids.

Woman: [in a wheelchair at the back of the room next to Mark who is also in a wheelchair and holds a little girl on his lap] BASTARDS!

Mark (TL): [Hands little girl over to the woman. Then, as he rolls his way to the lectern] No! No. Think! [Turns around to face the people in the room. Crowd's chanting gets gradually quieter until it stops. Mark reaches up and grabs the microphone. Something falls off the lectern. Background music starts off quietly and gets increasingly louder and more dramatic throughout Mark's speech.] Alright. I wanna say something! Large bumps?!? [view of the woman with the little girl on her lap advancing towards Mark] I mean if you put large bumps on the sidewalks and streets of this city you're condemning every handicapped person into this town, man! And for what? SO THE [pointing to the back of the room] LOCAL BUMP MANUFACTURER CAN MAKE MORE MONEY?! [View of the back of the room. Scott and a man are there under a banner that reads "CITY OF THE FUTURE". Scott has one hand on the man's shoulder. Both the man and Scott are holding up a big check reading "BUMPCO", "FOURTEEN BILLION DOLLARS".] Well if that's your idea of AMERICA then count me out. [Lets microphone drop on floor. Then, pointing to himself] I'm not the one that's handicapped. [pointing to the crowd] YOU'RE the ones that are handicapped... [pointing to his heart] IN HERE! [music is at its loudest, most dramatic point]

[Music stops, clip ends. Back in auditorium the crowd is applauding. Mark TL is puffing. The woman beside him is clapping. View of the stage where Scott C is clapping.]

Mark (LG): [leaning over to microphone and reading off teleprompter] Tom Wax for his portrayal of a man with a spike in his head [View of Kevin with hands together in front of his chin as though praying. He looks at camera, smiles, then he becomes wide-eyed. The caption at the bottom of the screen is "BEST ACTOR NOMINEE: TOM WAX".] in the movie 'Spike'.

[Movie-clip. Scene takes place in a room with balloons and a banner that reads "Home Nick". In the room there are two old men - one of them is wearing a reflective doctor's mirror on his head - one old woman, one girl, Bruce and Kevin.]

Bruce: [holding a hatbox] We'd like to welcome home Nick, who, as you all know, has been through quite an ordeal. [view of Kevin with spike in his head sitting down on a chair] But accidents happen. Let's be thankful for the things we do have: a nice party and a gift. [Extends arms to give Kevin the hatbox. All except Bruce and Kevin clap as Kevin makes his way to the gift. Bruce picks up a glass with a drink in it.]

Kevin: [to the old lady] Mom. [opens box] Oh. It's a hat.

Bruce: Don't you like it?

Kevin: [Picks up hat. Background music starts slowly and quietly.] You know I can't wear this. I've got a spike [points to spike] through my head.

Bruce: No you don't.

Kevin: Yes. I've got a spike through my head. I've accepted it. Why can't you? I've got a spike through my head, a spike through my head, spike through my head, a spike through my head, a spike through my head! It's hard to look at, isn't it? [Bruce drinks from glass and nods 'no'] Look at it. Read it. It says 'Pennsylvania Steel'. [old lady looks up at Kevin's spike] Yes I know I should be dead. Yes, the doctors say I'm a freak of nature. But there's one thing I *do* know damn it! I'm alive, and I love you. And that's the hardest thing of all to accept [view of Bruce drinking], isn't it Connie? [Music is at its loudest and most dramatic. Kevin turns around and hits some wind-tubes with his spike then pats his hair.]

[Music stops. Clip ends. Back in auditorium. View of Kevin and the woman beside him tightly holding hands. View of stage on which Mark LG and Scott C are applauding.]

Scott (C): [leaning over to see teleprompter] And uh, Sir Lawrence Reynolds in Hamlet for Hamlet.

[Auditorium audience applauds. View of Scott SLR smiling. At the bottom of the screen the caption reads "BEST ACTOR NOMINEE: SIR LAWRENCE REYNOLDS". Movie-clip begins.]

Scott (SLR): [talking to a skull he's holding in his hand] Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft.

[Clip ends. Back in auditorium the crowd applauds. Scott SLR looks to the woman beside him 'flustered'. She looks 'confused' too. Back on the stage Scott C and Mark LG are clapping.]

Mark (LG): [picks up the envelope off the lectern and hands it over to Scott C] And the winner is-- [drum-roll]

Scott (C): Yes. [chuckles] The winner. [holds up envelope and shows it to the crowd]

[Monitor is divided up into four cubicles each showing one of the nominees. Mark TL is 'biting' his lip and tightly holds the hands of the woman beside him. Dave is holding the hands of the woman beside him as they both look down at the floor and Dave's face is on their hands. Kevin tightly holds the hand of the woman beside him but then pulls his hand away and opens his eyes widely. The woman beside Scott SLR is handing him the skull, which he takes in his hands after which he looks up.]

Mark (LG): [Scott is trying to open the envelope] Trouble? What a bimbo. [Laughs and so does the crowd. Scott smiles, looks around then glances at Mark 'angrily'.]

Scott (C): [opens envelope and looks at it] Ah. O my god it's a three-way tie!

Mark (LG): [looks at envelope] Everybody but the Hamlet guy!

[Woman beside Mark TL screams, laughs and jumps up and down on the chair as Mark TL looks at her. Dave smiles and covers his face with his hand. Kevin is smiling and punching the air saying, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" On the stage, Scott C looks around as he applauds. Mark LG is handed a trophy from somebody out of view. Scott SLR is clapping and smiling 'bitterly'.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video