Ascertain

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: [Set in office. Bruce knocks on the door.]

Dave: Come in.

Bruce: I came as soon as I ascertained you needed to see me, sir.

Dave: Sit down, Williams.

Bruce: [sits] What is it, sir?

Dave: There have been some complaints about your use of language on the docks.

Bruce: If this is about yesterday, sir, yes I did use a few blue words, a few cuss words, but as soon as I ascertained that the mix up had been corrected --

Dave: Noo, Williams, it's not your swearing that I'm getting complaints about; it's the fact that use the word "ascertain" too much.

Bruce: Really?

Dave: Yes, apparently you use it an average of two to three- hundred times, daily.

Bruce: Well, I do, but so...other...few words...fit.

Dave: Well, it's driving the men crazy.

Bruce: Who's complaining, sir? Is it Sanchez?

Dave: Noo, it's not Sanchez. It's--it's the older men, the ones nearing retirement.

Bruce: Sir, I ascertain that these men are just jealous of my command of the...English...uh language.

Dave: Well, perhaps. But, I suggest just to keep things running smoothly down at the docks that you humor me by limiting yourself to these four work-related phrases: [reads them off a paper] Good morning fellas; Hand me that thing; Boy, this work's hard; Guys, break's over.

Bruce: Sir, I ascertain--

Dave: Ah.

Bruce: -- that it's their problem. They're just jealous of me. It's my right to ascertain things. You should talk to them about their being upset about my...ascertaination.

Dave: Look, I was young once; and, whatever you do in the privacy of your home, with your good lady wife, well that's your business. But, when it starts to slow work down on the docks, then it becomes my business.

Bruce: I ascertain--

Dave: If you don't back off that word, you'll be looking for a new job -- comprendez-vous?

Bruce: I...asc--

Dave: Unh-uh.

Bruce: ah--

Dave: Mmm-mm.

Bruce: ah--

Dave: Nn-nn.

Bruce: Asc--

Dave: N-nuh-no.

Bruce: Asc -- asc--

Dave: Nooo-no-no-no.

Bruce: I asc--

Dave: Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Bruce: Cer--

Dave: No.

Bruce: tuh--

Dave: Uh-uh. Good morning fellas; hand me that thing; boy, this work's hard; guys, break's over.

Bruce: I asc--

[Dave shoves the paper in his face. Bruce grabs it with disgust.]

Bruce: [pouting] Boy, this work's hard.

Dave: There ya go! Good boy! Now, get the hell out of my office.

[Bruce gets up to go.]

Dave: Glad we had the chance to delineate our little problem.

[Twinkley music sounds out the word "delineate" dances around the screen.]

Bruce: [to himself, trying the word out] Duh-lynn-e-ate. Duh-lynn-e-ate. Sir, I promise I'll never use that...other word ever again. [to himself] Duh-lynn-e-ate.

[Dave eyes him skeptically, as Bruce continues trying the word.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video