Sketch Artist

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: Tanya Doroslovac
Dave: Good evening. Tonight I would like to give a demonstration of my rather unique gift. I will draw a likeness of a person's face whom I have never seen; simply by listening to the sound of his or her voice. And now so that there should be no questions to the authenticity of this test, we asked a priest to select a volunteer very carefully from the streets of our city and keep him or her in seclusion so that I would not see them. Now, that volunteer, I believe, is hidden behind this, uh, privacy screen. Is that not correct, father?

Luc Casimiri: That is correct.

Dave: Thank you father.

Luc: You're welcome.

Dave: And now, I would like to introduce to my lovely assistant Kevin McDonald, who is dressed this way for a cheap laugh.

[Kevin appears, wearing a tight white unitard.]

[The crowd cheers and whistles.]

Dave: Thank you. Now, let's get started, uh Sir or madam, can you hear me?

Man: Yes I can.

Dave: Okay. Already I have determined that you are a man. Now, I would ask that you continue talking so that I can get a feel for your face.

Man: Uh, I don't know what to say.

Dave: Uh, anything at all. It really doesn't matter.

Man: A blank.

Dave: You see, uh, in much the same way an archaeologist can reconstruct an entire dinosaur from a single shinbone, I can, I can determine the appearance of your face simply from the way your voice reverberates off your palette. So, if you could just say anything at all, just tell us about your day.

Man: Well, I woke up, right.

Dave: Uh, yes, good, good, good, good.

Man: And then I had a shower.

Dave: Uh huh. Okay, more. [Drawing feverishly]

Man: I I got dressed.

Dave: Uh huh.

Man: And then I ate.

Dave: Great. Well, you know that the essence of good storytelling is embellishment.

Man: Oh. Okay, uh, I ate a... a goat.

Dave: A whole goat, sir?

Man: Yes. I woke up, had a shower, got dressed and ate a goat.

Dave: Uh huh.

Man: And then a priest picked me put of a crowd and dragged me down here.

Dave: Okay, Kevin, I think we're losing the crowd. Can you please show them your bum?

[Kevin turns around, bends over and shows the crowd his bum. The crowd cheers. Dave laughs.]

Dave: Fine! I'm done. I think, uh, the moment has come that I think we've all been waiting for... I believe that our volunteer looks like.... this.

[Dave shows a crudely drawn cartoon man on his sketch paper.]

Dave: Would our volunteer please step out from behind the screen and show us what you actually look like.

[The man steps out. He has giant buck teeth, pop bottle glasses and five strands of pointy hair. He looks exactly like Dave's drawing.]

Dave: Wild! Isn't that wild!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video