Weston Esterhazy--Confidante To The Stars

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: handi@interlog.com
Cast- [Scott is sitting on a bed smiling at the camera]

Scott: Hi. Come closer. [camera moves in a bit closer] No, closer still. [camera moves in to an extreme close up of Scott's face] C'mon! C'mon in! [camera moves in to an extreme close up of Scott's nose] No. That's enough. [camera backs up] You don't want to disappear into a pore in my nose like the ill fated crew of Fantastic Journey, do you?

Hi! It's Weston Esterhazy here, confidante to the stars. Yeah, buckle up world, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Apparently, Tina Yathers, Michael J. Fox's younger sister on the late smash hit sitcom Family Ties is really 51 years old. Yeah, apparently it's true.

Apparently, Dick Sargent, the second and more excellent Darren on the television show Bewitched, was turned into a fish on the last episode and they forgot to turn him back, and he was abandoned in a bucket of water at the wrap party, so if anyone out there has seen a large pike that keeps going "It's Darren, not Derwood" please contact his agent at the William Morris agency. He's up for a small but excellent supporting best friend role in Splash 2.

Apparently, Robert Vaughan, former man from U.N.C.L.E., and host of the late night television sensation Discover, is being sued by his career for defamation of character. It should prove to be an interesting case. As Hollywood rumour has it, Mr. Vaughan died 10 years ago and is in reality right now just a hand puppet.

Apparently, the purple-clad gender-bending rock star, Prince, is not really a prince at all, just a guy from Minnesota. What a liar!

[Telephone rings]

Scott: Telephone. (picks up phone) Hello.

[Split screen to show Mark]

Mark: Hi Weston. Virgil here.

Scott: Hi Virg. What's the poop?

Mark: You'll never guess what I'm doing.

Scott: What? What? Uh, spinning lettuce?

Mark: No.

Scott: What?

Mark: I'm watching my very own copy of the Rob Lowe video cassette.

Scott: No! Wow! Excellent!

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: What's it like?

Mark: Actually, it's kinda boring.

Scott: What?

Mark: The girls are down to their panties.

Scott: Yeah, yeah.

Mark: But Rob's been spending a half an hour lighting the room and adjusting the camera.

Scott: Oh, yeah. He really wants to be a director, eh?

Mark: Yeah. You can tell. It shows, a real keener.

Scott: Yeah, well, well, put it on pause, kay? I'll be right over.

Mark: OK.

Scott: OK. Just a second. (to camera) I gotta go. Something really important just came up.

Mark: Hey. Who ya talking to?

Scott: God.

Mark: Wow. He's famous!

Scott: Yeah. The biggest one yet.

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: OK. I'll se ya later.

Mark: Hey, yeah, alright, but hurry.

Scott: OK. Bye.

Mark: Cause Rob's thing waits.

Scott: Excellent!

Mark: Yeah!

[Scott hangs up]

Scott: Well I really gotta go, OK? But remember, before I go, everything that I've just told you is a secret just between you, me, and the superstars involved. And please, don't judge, they can't help themselves. They're celebrities. Bye. Oh, no pictures. Bye. Bye.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video