Bad Straight Man

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by:
Completed from: Comedy Central
Completed by: Andrew Bridgman
Cast: [Kevin and Dave walk onto a stage, Kevin is smiling comically and dancing around a bit, Dave keeps a straight face and speaks very reserved.]

Kevin: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! I'm McGillicutty!

Dave: And I'm Greene.

Kevin: Well, Mr. Greene, it appears we have a conflict of financial interest to settle up to the extent I owe you 10 American dollars bills. But as luck would have it [pulls out a 20 dollar bill] I only have a 20! [thinks for a second] Say Mr. Greene! Would you happen to have change for a 20? That is to say, do you have two 10s for this 20 dollar bill?

Dave: Uh, yes, I do. [Dave reaches in pocket and pulls out two 10s.]

Kevin: Fine then! I'll give you the 20 and you'll give me the two 10s [they exchange money] and we'll call it even! [Kevin smirks]

Dave: Uh, no, actually we've just exchanged equal amounts of money. You still owe me 10.

Kevin: [a little nervous] But, isn't that a 20 dollar bill in your hand?

Dave: Yes.

Kevin: Well, it looks to me like you owe me 10 dollars!

[Dave turns to Kevin with a whiny look.]

Dave: Please give me my money.

[Kevin stuffs the money into his hand and Dave puts it in his pocket.]

Kevin: Just take it! [short pause] Mr. Greene! Guess who I ran into on my way to the theater this evening?

Dave: Who?

Kevin: Rhonda, the former professional hunchback!

Dave: Oh! Did she get her back straightened?

Kevin: No, she's just outta work!


Dave: [a bit depressed] Awww, so her back isn't better then?

Kevin: [looks nervous again] Nope, just outta work!

[Kevin tries to cue a drumroll; drumroll. Short pause.]

Kevin: Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team.

Dave: No. I'm a vaudevillian.

Kevin: No, I think you manage a baseball team!

Dave: Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team.

Kevin: I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays.

Dave: Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base.

Kevin: Who's on first base?

Dave: Yes.

Kevin: Who?

Dave: Yes, Hu is the man on first base.

Kevin: Why are you asking me; I'm asking you! What's the name of the guy on first base?

Dave: No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.

Kevin: I dunno (whispers) third base.

Dave: Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase 'Gee, I dunno,' but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.

Kevin: That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.

Dave: What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job.

Kevin: Bastaaaard!

Part Two

Completed from: Comedy Central
Completed by: Matt Morrison
Cast- [Setting: A stage]

[We open on a close up of Mark, looking confused... he has a wispy beard and is dressed in what appear to be traditional samurai warrior garb. He is also wearing a straw hat, holding a cane, and looking slightly nervous, confused and uncomfortable as he stands before this crowd.]

Mark: [says something long and complicated in what sounds like fake Japanese]

[We cut to Kevin, who is wearing a bright yellow and black striped suit with a hat and cane that match Mark's. The traditional garb of a vaudevillian comedian.]

Kevin: No. She's just out of work!

[Kevin smiles and laughs along with the audience. Mark does not.]

Mark: [in heavy accent] No. You give me back my ten dollar!

Kevin: [holding up two bills] That's right. I've got your two ten dollars right here!

[Mark suddenly uses his cane to sweep Kevin off his feet, sending him falling on the ground.]

Mark: Give me money. Family eat.

[Mark swings his cane down like a sword and tries to hit Kevin with it, Kevin rolls to his side and dodges the blow easily.]

Kevin: Just for the act, you samurai bastard!

Mark: Give me money!

[Mark swings the cane again and Kevin dodges again, rolling the other way.]

Kevin: I never should have saved you from those seals!

[Kevin mugs to the audience from the floor as Mark stops his attack for a second.]

Mark: What seals? I audition for this.

[Kevin screams as Mark brings the cane down again, but this time he uses his own cane to parry the blow. He hops up and runs backstage screaming unintelligibly. Mark starts to chase him, but he stops as he notices the applause of the people in the audience. He stops at the curtain, listens to the applause for a second, bows slightly to the audience and then runs backstage after Kevin.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video