After the Hockey Game

Transcribed from: Comedy Central [with Closed Captioning on]
Transcribed by:
Cast: Setting: Scott: Wow. So this is your place, eh?

Mark: Yeah. Yeah it is.

Scott: Alright...

Mark: Oh God, sorry about the mess... [straightens up a few magazines on the coffee table]

Scott: Huh?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: I hear it's pretty expensive to live in Toronto, eh?

Mark: Yeah... Yeah, but the human cost is even higher... Uh, so would you like a beer?

Scott: Alright! Now you're talkin' my language.

Mark: Alright...

Scott: Alright, buddy...

Mark: So, uh, listen. Did you enjoy the hockey game?

Scott: Yeah, I thought it was pretty good, right?

Mark: Right. Oh, you know, I thought everyone did their, uh, parts well.

Scott: Right. Oh, y'know what, Leslie? You missed a great fight when you went to the can, eh?

Mark: Oh, really?

Scott: Yeah. Lemieux took Clark into the boards, right? Wrong move, eh?

Mark: Insanity.

Scott: Yeah, exactly, right? Y'know, Clark comes up, he's crazy, right? Starts whalin' on Lemieux's head, right? Crowd's goin' nuts, right? I'm sittin' there laughin', y'know... It's too bad ya missed it, buddy, it was great.

Mark: Well the way you painted it, it's like I'm there. Anyway, I think I've gotta go and change. Do you need to change or anything? I've got -

Scott: Hey, I'm okay, eh?

Mark: Okay. [Mark leaves]

Scott: Hey, I'm casual, alright? Hey, d'you mind if I watch a bit of tv?

[Mark howls]

Scott: Party!

[Mark dims the lights, comes out sniffing and hissing with vampire cape on]

Scott: That game really got ya goin' eh?

Mark: Brad, did you know that the legend of Dracula was based on fact?

Scott: Uh...

Mark: In fifteenth century Transylvania, there lived a man named Vlad the Impaler.

Scott: Oh yeah...

Mark: He ruled the land from the darkest castle. Imagine, Brad, the experience of walking through a dark Transylvanian forest at night, the mist creeps in - Ah!

Scott: Oh! I didn't hear a thing!

Mark: Could be him. You run, stumbling, fearful, the brambles catching on your white, loose-fitting peasant blouse, your underwear caught around your ankles, you stumble into a clearing, haven't I been here before?! I'm lost! ... Did I scare you?

Scott: Ah, no... that's just a movie, eh?

Mark: Okay...

Scott: Yeah...

Mark: Movie - do you like movies, Brad?

Scott: Yeah, I like movies.

Mark: Oh, then let's watch one.

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: I have lots of very interesting movies in my film library.

Scott: Oh yeah? Hey, d'ya got any of those American Ninja movies?

Mark: I think I took my last one back...

Scott: Aw.

Mark: But, uh, what could we watch? [reaches behind his head, grabs an obviously placed videotape box] Oh, look at this one. What - it has no title... I wonder what it could be? What a mystery.

Scott: I don't know.

Mark: Why don't we put it in the VCR and solve the mystery together?

Scott: Let's do her on up, eh? Let's serve her up.

Mark: Mind if I swoop?

Scott: It's your place... Party!

[music and moans from the television)

Scott: It's porno!

Mark: So it is.

Scott: Those are guys!

Mark: So they are - well, mystery solved!

Scott: Oh, Jesus...

Mark: I like this one. it makes me hot, how about you? [puts his hands on Scott's knee]

Scott: What's with the hand?

Mark: The hand?

Scott: Yeah, the hand, right?

Mark: Okay, Brad, it's like this. You're a nice young guy...

Scott: Yeah...

Mark: You're thoughtful and handsome, really bright...

Scott: ...Yeah...

Mark: ...intelligent, considerate, hung, industrious, foward thinking, patriotic... Anyway, there are all qualities I value in a person, you know what I'm saying?

Scott: Yeah...

Mark: I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I like you -

Scott: - oh yeah -

Mark: and I want to help you out in any way that I can.

Scott: Yeah...

Mark: So if you ever need money for tuition, if you decide to go to college, come to me. you ever want tickets to more hockey games, you come to see me... You want the occasional blow job-

Scott: Aw, Jesus! Not again...

Mark: What?

Scott: Every time I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leaf game, gets me pissed, then tries to blow me. Why can't people like me for me?

Mark: Gee, brad, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your past. I do like you for you.

Scott: Yeah right.

Mark: ...But as far as I can see, that's no need to break with the little tradition you've got toing.

Scott: I'm not queer...

Mark: Oh no, of course not! No, of course you're not queer. But why don't you have a couple of drinks and see if you can put the "bi" back in bisexual?

Scott: I'm gonna need a lot of beer...

Mark: I keepa chilled keg in my bedroom.

Scott: Aw, Jesus! Look. I don't do nothin'.

Mark: You come, don't you?

Scott: Yeah...

Mark: Great! This way.

Scott: Great...

Mark: Brad?

Scott: What?

Mark: When you speak of this, and I know you will, be kind?

Scott: Yeah, right, I ain't tellin' no one.

Mark: Deal, sure, whatever!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video