Transcribed from: The Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu


Kevin: Darcy Pennell
Dave: Christian Renoir
Scott: Brad

(Title: "The Darcy Pennell Show". Camera pans down a cheap studio set. A theme song with bad keyboard accompaniment plays)

Kevin & Scott (singing): Darcy, Darcy, Darcy Pennell
She makes the whole day feel real swell
Darcy, Darcy, Darcy Pennell
She makes your life a lot less hell

(The camera ends on a two shot with Kevin and Dave. Kevin is talking very animatedly while Dave just shakes his head. The song ends and Kevin is still talking, but we can't hear him.)

Dave (in a French accent): Why aren't you speaking? Your lips are moving but you're not speaking. What?

Kevin (glaring quickly at Dave, then turning to the camera): Welcome to the Darcy Pennell Show. I'm Darcy Pennell. Hi. How are you doing? Today we're going to take a look at the world of high fashion. I'd like to welcome our guest, internationally renowned fashion designer, Christian Renewer.

Dave: No, it's Christian Renoir.

Kevin: Christaaan Renarrrrr

Dave: No, Christian Renoir.

Kevin: Christian Renoooooh

Dave: Christian . . .

Kevin: Christiaaaaaaan . . .

Dave: Renoir.

Kevin: Christiaaan Renaaar . . .

Dave: No. Christian Renoir

Kevin: Christiaaan . . .

Dave: Chriiiistiiiian Renoir

Kevn: Chriiiiiiiiistiiiiiiiaaaaaan Ren-aaaaaaaah

Dave: No listen to me! Christian Renoir!

Kevin: No, listen to me! Listen--

(They both abruptly give up. Kevin turns to the camera and smiles.)

Kevin: I'd like to start off by saying that you look like a right guy. You look like a serious, straight-shooting guy. You're wearing a guy shirt. Why fashion?

Dave: Well Darcy, it's just that I've always loved beautiful women. All my life I've loved them and I've loved the way that they, uh . . . . look. And I've always wanted to be a part of the beautiful woman in some way, an appendage to the beautiful woman. An arm or a leg to the beautiful woman in some way. So I think I should design clothes for the beautiful woman and in that way I can celebrate them and become a part of them because I love beautiful women.

Kevin: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dave (vehemently): But I hate ugly women, Darcy! Oh, I hate ugly women with a passion you cannot begin to imagine! They are an abomination of everything that the beautiful woman stands for!

Kevin: Hmm. So has this hatred for ugly women affected your work at all?

Dave: Yes! Yes, yes, yes. In fact, my career has taken a bit of a turn in that direction. I'm now designing a line of clothes specifically for the ugly woman.

Kevin: . . . Are you French?

Dave: No.

Kevin: Let's take a look at your sketches!

Dave: Fine. (Holds up first card. It's a fashion sketch showing an ugly woman in a long, lumpy, pink dress.) Now Darcy, this first sketch is of an evening gown. It's a very tight fitting gown, and it's backless, designed to highlight the various ugly bulges that the ugly woman managed to grow on her body. And this gown is made entirely out of pink fiberglass foam insulation.

Kevin: Now how would you accessorize this?

Dave: Ah yes, Darcy. Well, what I've done for this dress is I've designed a hat that I call "The Spike in the Head." (Shows next sketch of an ugly, overweight woman with a large spike through her head.) Quite simply, it's a spike driven into the woman's head. Very simple. Very painful. But! The ugly woman deserves only the most painful.

Kevin: I love hats, but I don't have a hat face.

Dave: Well then Darcy, follow me on a journey from the head. Take an elevator ride down to the shoe, where we find the Boite de Verre Shoe. Translated, it is "The Box of Glass." (Shows the next sketch of an ugly woman who has a box of broken glass strapped to her feet. Blood pours out from each shoe.) What it is, is a box of broken glass with a thong to hold the foot firmly in the box so that you don't, you know, lose a shoe. Because you don't want to lose a shoe.

Kevin: To me, Christian, half the battle is the cost. I mean, it's all fine to look pretty and nice and everything, but um . . . (she rifles through the sketches) how much is the Spike in the Head? Lou? Is this the camera? (A game of camera tag follows as Kevin waves the sketch around. As soon as the director cuts to an appropriate camera, Kevin yanks the sketch away and holds it up to a different camera.) Chris? Chris? Buddy? Lou?

Dave: Well Darcy, it's very reasonably priced. The Spike in the Head is quite reasonably priced at about twelve hundred dollars.

Kevin: What?!

Dave: Twelve hundred dollars.

Kevin: What?!

Dave: Twelve hundred dollars.

Kevin: What?!

Dave: Twelve hundred dollars.

Kevin: That's ridiculous! Why would anyone pay twelve hundred dollars for that?

Dave: Well, they do. Well, they do.

Kevin: Well I wouldn't.

Dave: Well I assure you that people do.

Kevin: Well I assure you I wouldn't. Let's open this up to the studio audience.

Dave: Fine.

Kevin: You!

(Cut to the audience. There's only one guy there. It's Brad from the earlier vampire sketch.)

Kevin: What do you think about this? Twelve hundred dollars?

Scott: What? Oh . . . um, I just came in to get out of the rain, right?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, but what do you think about paying twelve hundred dollars for this?

Scott: Oh . . . the hat thing. Oh right, yeah. Christian? Is that, like, just a regular household spike?

Dave: Well, it's very similar to the sort of spike you might find around the house. Yes, it's similar.

Scott: So it's not, like, couture. So I could, like, get it myself, right?

Dave: No! No, no, no!

Scott: Well I don't know why . . .

Dave: No! No! No! No!

Scott: . . . you just go down to the railway and pick yourself up a tie, right, and bring it home and fashion it in a workshop.

Dave: . . . No! No! No! You could -- you could get a copy Darcy, but you would know it was a copy even if no one else knew, hmm?

Scott (staring at Dave): Hey! Don't I know you?

Dave: I don't think that's very likely, no.

Scott: Didn't you take me to a Leafs game?

(Dave looks horrified. Scott stands up and glares.)

Dave: Mon dieu! C'est toi!

Scott: You owe me fifty bucks, you faux French fag!

(Scott charges the set. Kevin runs up to restrain him.)

Kevin: Hey, hey, hey! Not on my show! Not on my--

(Kevin punches Scott in the stomach. He drops to the floor as Kevin returns to the set.)

Kevin: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join me tomorrow when I'll be on the road with the Hell Riders. I would like to thank my guest Christy Renookoolaus--

Dave: Christian Renoir!

Kevin: Christian Renah.

Dave: Christian Renoir!!

Kevin: Christian Renoh.

Dave: Chris-tian Ren-oir!

Kevin: Chris-- Christian--

Dave: Christian Renoir!

Kevin: Thank you, good night!

(Theme song plays as Scott enters the set and drags Dave off camera with the help of Kevin.)

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video