Pole Vaulter Olympic Tragedy

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: Mandy Sockett
Cast- Mark: [at microphone] And now Minnesota's own Martin Bloomdale.

[cuts to show Kevin from a distance warming up]

Mark (V.O.): He's not the highest rated pole-vaulter here on the U.S. team, but we're sure like all our athletes here at the Olympiad, he'll do America proud, and I think he's ready to go now.

[cut to Mark]

Mark: He comes from the Lunge & Swipe school of pole-vaulting [man hands Mark a sheet of paper from off-camera] that's were....that's were...Oh my GOD!

[cut to Kevin]

Mark (V.O.): [Kevin is preparing to run] Ladies and gentlemen I...it is my sad duty to inform you that the U.S. swimming team which was on its way here to Tokyo [Dave runs up to Kevin] has crashed in an ocean and...there are no survivors. I, I believe someone is telling Martin now. [Dave and Kevin are speaking. Kevin looks upset. Dave pats his arm then leaves] This is a black, black day in sports history but in the spirit of the Olympics -

[cut to Mark who is lighting a cigarette]

Mark: - the event must go on. Bloomdale is known for his slow approach, but once he gets going his personal theme song is "Up, Up, and Away". [Mark is handed another sheet of paper from off-camera. Assumes expression of tragedy and disbelief] No...no...

[cut to Kevin who is preparing, again, to vault]

Mark (V.O.): Oh my God! Ladies and gentlemen there is more terrible news...the American basketball team and equestrian team [Dave is running onto field again] that always got along so famously...have all died in a warehouse fire. [Dave is talking to Kevin. Kevin lowers his head and covers his face with his hand. Dave pats his arm and leaves giving Kevin a thumbs up sign] What all those horses and athletes were doing in a warehouse will be a mystery for years to come. This day will live in infamy.

[cut back to Mark]

Mark: This is a day America will never forget. [Mark is handed yet another sheet of paper from off-camera] What's more...WHAT!!!....No.....[Mark chokes on sobs. Grabs hand of someone from off-camera] Ladies and gentlemen...it is my sad duty to inform you that

[cut back to Kevin]

Mark (V.O.): - all the remaining athletes on the American team have been taken hostage [Dave runs up to Kevin and is out of breath. See Kevin asking what but Dave holds up finger while he catches his breath] by a terrorist group who support...well, nothing in particular but are jealous of the attention the Olympics have been getting. [Dave and Kevin are talking. Kevin falls to his knees hitting the ground with his fists. Dave pats his back] This means that the last remaining athlete on the U.S. Olympic team is Martin Bloomdale.

[cut back to Mark]

Mark: [speaking excitedly] Gimme a mic! I wanna talk to the kid. Gimme a mic! [Mark is handed a mic] Is this thing on!? Check! Check! Martin! Can you hear me?

[cut to show loud speaker. Plane flies by in background.]

Mark (V.O.): Martin can you HEAR me?!

[cut to Kevin]

Mark (V.O.): I have a message from the American people. [Both Dave and Kevin are looking toward the loud speaker] We are behind you and your pole...100% [Kevin looks prouder and more confident. Dave picks up the pole and hands it to Kevin.] So don't let us down! [Kevin looks worried now. Dave shakes Kevin's hand and walks off staring at his own hand as if surprised by the amount of sweat] Remember Martin...the entire country is watching...

[cut back to Mark]

Mark: [smiling]...here on SNN.

[cut to Kevin who finally starts running while the American anthem plays. As he starts his vault the camera cuts to show the pole and a cartoonish clunking sound is heard]

[cut to Mark]

Mark: [Mark makes a pained expression] Oh my God [bangs table] a first in Olympic history...oh and the very last American athlete is down hit by a shot-put.

[cuts to Kevin who is lying on the ground. Beside him are his pole and a shot-put. A blond guy is staring down at him. Dave runs over and hands the shot-put to the blond guy].

Mark (V.O.): On the plus side Gordie Hatton of Finland has a new world shot-put record.

[Dave shakes blond guy's hand]

[cut back to Mark]

Mark: Today America is in mourning...but Finland is applauding and cheering!

[cut to blond guy]

Man: Thank-you Finland! I love you!

[cut back to Mark]

Mark: This is Jazzy Jeff Worton signing off...from the Olympics. [Guy shakes Marks hand]

[cut to Kevin. Kevin is still lying unconscious while the last notes of the U.S. anthem are played]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video