Hotel La Rut

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast:

Part One

[Kevin and Bruce in hotel hallway. Bruce is bellhop.]

Bruce: I suggest the bed for sleeping.

[Bruce holds right hand out.]

Kevin: Umm-hmm.

Bruce: Where as the chair is very good for watching TV.

Kevin: Right, right.

Bruce: Gee, my hand sure is cold.

Kevin: Oh! Well, here, fit this.

[Kevin gives him money. Kevin starts to go into room.]

Bruce: Oh, how gracious, my sir, thank you, oh, sir, if you should leave the room, be sure to check with the local rooms. Very old, very handsome. Very handsome rooms, very expen-

[Bruce is stroking his right hand. Kevin gives him more money.]

Bruce: Oh, sir! How gracious. Oh.

[Hold out hand. Kevin gives him more money.]

Bruce: Sir, oh, how gracious.

[Kevin gives him more money.]

[Scott is a French whore in lingerie. He is sitting in window of hotel, smoking. Mark is also a French whore sitting in front of mirror in the hotel room.]

Mark: What's wrong, my Michelle?

Scott: Oh, Silvee, I can't stop thinking about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he'll ever return someday.

Mark: Oh Michelle.

Scott: hmm?

Mark: You have to stop lying awake wondering about Tony. Wondering where he is, who he could be with, what he's thinking, if he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return one day.

Scott: Oh.

[Dave enters from hallway, French guy. His suit is splattered with wine.]

Scott and Mark: What?

Dave: Upstairs we are having a fabulous party, but we've run out of wine. So I am forced to borrow a bottle of yours.

[Dave grabs a bottle of wine.]

Dave: My God it stinks in here. It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return someday.

Scott: [Walks over to him.] You'll get-

[Dave raises his hand and Scott falls back onto the bed. Dave exits.]

Mark: Forget him, he's stupid.

Scott: I know.

Mark: Michelle, are you crying?

Scott: No, I am not crying, I am just thinking about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he will ever return one day.

Mark: Sorry, what did you say?

Scott: Oh, I was just saying that I was thinking about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is-

Mark: Okay, I left, I got confused on that part.

Scott: When did you get confused?

Mark: Okay, you were wondering about--

Scott and Mark: Tony.


Part Two

[Kevin and Bruce are still in the hall. Kevin is writing a check using the pen that is attached to Bruce's shoulder.]

Kevin: Okay, you know, um, don't cash this one right away.

Bruce: Oh, sir, how gracious, that's so nice-

[Kevin reaches for his suitcase on the floor, Bruce kicks it over.]

Bruce: Oh, how clumsy of me. Allow me, sir.

[Bruce picks it up.]

Kevin: Sure, I understand.

Bruce: Oh, so nice of you, to give me a-

[Kevin writes another check.]

Kevin: Here, wait a month before you cash.

Bruce: A month?

[Mark and Scott are sitting on the bed, Mark is holding a diamond necklace up to Scott's neck.]

Scott: Do you know Tammy, Silvee?

Mark: Oh yes, I do. But you know what I think?

Scott: What do you think?

Mark: Um, I think you ought to stop wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, you know, who he's with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return to you one day.

Scott: I know, but-

[Dave enters with empty wine bottle.]

Scott and Mark: What?

Dave: Still my party rages on into the night. And yet again, we've run out of wine, so I am forced to borrow another bottle of yours.

[Dave puts down empty bottle and picks up a new one.]

Mark: No!

[Mark jumps up at Dave with a switchblade.]

Scott: Silvee!

[Dave wrestles the knife away. Mark sits down.]

Dave: My God it is rank in here, rank with your stupid wonderings about Tony.

[Mark jumps up with another switchblade.]

Scott: Silvee.

[Dave wrestles it away. Mark sits down.]

Dave: Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, is he thinking of you-

[Mark jumps up with a sausage, Dave wrestles it away, Mark sits down.]

Dave: And if he'll ever return to you someday. My God, open a window!

[Mark jumps up with a small knife, Dave wrestles it away, Mark sits down, Dave exits. Scott and Dave spit.]

Mark: I know that look.

Scott: What look?

Mark: That's the look that says you're wondering about Tony, am I right? You're wondering-

Scott: Maybe.

Mark: Yes, you're wondering where he is, what he's thinking, whether it's-

Scott: Good guess.

Mark: I know it. I know it.

Scott: You are right.


Part Three

[Kevin and Scott are trying to have sex, but it's not working. Scott is staring at the ceiling. Kevin sighs, rolls over.]

Kevin: I'm sorry. It's no use. I just can't stop thinking about this Tony fellah. Where is he? Who's he with? What's the guy thinkin? Is he thinkin of you? Is he on his way back? Who the hell is he?

[Bruce enters.]

Scott and Kevin: What?

Bruce: [Holding out hand.] Um, well--

[Kevin gives him money.]

Bruce: Oh, how gracious, sir, thank you.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video