Bruce: Life's A Pretty Sweet Fruit

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by:
[Bruce is contendedly driving a huge, beastly tank of car down a back road. He takes a drag from a cigarette and pushes an 8-track cassette into the player]

I love this song. I *love* this song. It's so true! I wish this song was a whole day long. Man, I would have the best day *that* day.

[Rips the 8-track out, leaving a trail of tape strung across the front seat]

I just can't listen to it while I drive. It's that good. Yep. Favourite song in my car. Life's a pretty sweet fruit.

[Bruce slams on the brakes. The car squeals to a stop. A pause]

Don't you *ever* laugh at my car.

[The gas pedal is floored. The car squeaks and takes off]

So . . . whaddya think I paid for her? I'll tell ya. 300 bucks. 30 easy payments. Couldn't even feel 'em. It was like a soft breeze blowing through my bank account.

[Brakes hard to a full stop]

Who am I kidding? 36 bucks a month almost killed me.

[Takes off again. Rips a tree shaped air freshener from the rear view mirror, holds it up to his face and inhales deeply]


[The hood of the car suddenly flies open, blocking the view. Bruce swerves around on the road, before coming to a halt]

Not. A. Word.

[Gets out of the car and slams the hood shut to no effect. He climbs on top of the hood and jumps down on it with his knees. It sticks. Bruce gets back into the car and floors it once more. He runs his fingers through his hair. A large clump becomes easily dislodged]

Great. I had to pick today to go bald.

[Tries it again. Another patch of hair falls out]

I knew it would happen.

[Tears the rear view mirror off of the windshield and scrutinizes his hair for a second before chucking the mirror over his shoulder into the back seat]

What's a guy need his hair for when he's got his . . . radio! [Turns it on] I just love the sports score. It's so true! . . . Life's a pretty sweet fruit.

[Parting shot of the car as it lumbers away. The muffler falls off with a clunk on the road]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video