Stray Businessman

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Scott is behind the island in the kitchen, unloading the diswasher. Bruce enters, carrying a backpack that he drops on the floor.]

Bruce: Hi, Mom.

Scott: Hi, Corey. How was school?

Bruce: Oh, good.

Scott: Good. Anything special happen?

Bruce: No.

Scott: No? Well.

Bruce: Mom?

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: Something happened after school today.

Scott: Oh God, I knew it. Are you alright?

Bruce: I'm okay, Mom. But I ran up with a little guy and he's a long way from home, so I thought-

Scott: Oh, Corey, you know how I feel about strays.

Bruce: Well, the least you can do is meet him.

[Bruce turns and goes to the door.]

Scott: No. Corey, there's no discussion here, what are you do-

[Bruce enters with Kevin, a businessman, who looks very lost and confused. Kevin stands next to Bruce, but in the background by the wall. As Bruce and Scott speak, Kevin looks repeatedly at his watch, holds his wrist to his ear, and taps at the watch to make sure it's working.]

Scott: Oh my God. Not a businessman.

Bruce: He comes to the name Mr. Stevenson.

Scott: Mr. Stevenson?

[Kevin looks up, gets an overly eager look on his face, and goes over to Scott with his arm extended. They shake hands.]

Scott: Oh, hello.

[Kevin pulls out a business card and hands it to Scott.]

Scott: Thank you. Scoot, scoot, scoot! [shooing Kevin to the side, back by the wall.]

[Kevin keeps checking his watch, tapping it for good measure. Bruce picks up his backpack and starts fidgeting with it.]

Bruce: So Mom, I was thinking, d'you think it would be a really good idea or is it okay - Mom?

Scott: Yes?

Bruce: Can I keep Mr. Stevenson?

[Kevin takes out a cell phone and looks at it. He dials, listens, and looks at it again before putting it away.]

Scott: Oh... Corey, sit down, sit down.

[Bruce sits on a stool and drops the backpack.]

Scott: Now, Corey, a businessman is a big responsibility. You have to fetch his coffee, screen his calls, change his paper every day. I'm sorry, a businessman is too big of a responsibility for a boy your age.

Bruce: Mom, I'm willing to put forth the work effort.

Scott: Oh, I think I've heard that song and dance before, young man. Remember the short-order cook you brought home?

Bruce: He was between things, Mom.

[Kevin stretches and acts like he's waiting for someone or something.]

Scott: Kept me up all night making toast.

Bruce: He thought he was in a truck stop!

Scott: I'm still making toast soup.

Bruce: And I love your toast soup, Mom. I'm gonna get some right now.

[Bruce goes to the fridge and opens it.]

Scott: Corey? Corey! I said no, and I meant no. Corey, N-O spells no!

[Kevin picks up his briefcase and starts to act as if he's hailing a taxi.]

Bruce: Yes! Y-E-S spells yes!

Scott: Don't you spell back at me, young man! Oh, you!

Bruce: Look at him, Mom! He's confused! He's trying to hail a cab!

Scott: Oh, well well well, isn't that cute! Stop flashing those boardroom eyes at me. That may work- listen, you, listen! That may work with the secretaries back at the office, but I run a shoe shop! Lookit, I see right through you!

[Kevin holds up one end of his tie, waving it around.]

Scott: I told you that the answer is no, I know exactly what you're all about. I am a rock, Corey! I'm unmovable!

[Bruce goes to stand next to Kevin.]

Bruce: If I can't keep Mr. Stevenson, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay!

[Bruce takes a big breath and holds it. Kevin looks at his watch.]

Scott: Well, I suppose we could fix up the desk in the spare room. Come along.

[Bruce starts hopping up and down happily. Kevin gets an eager look on his face and rushes over to shake Scott's hand.]

Scott: We've already met.

Bruce: Yay! Yay! Super Mom! Super Mom!

[Cut to the next morning, with Bruce on a bike coming down the driveway and Kevin walking beside him.]

Bruce: [pointing] That's where Randy Yates lives. He's my best friend.

[A taxi drives by, and Kevin hails it and gets in. Bruce leans in to talk to the driver.]

Bruce: Follow me - Cedar Place Junior High.

[Cut to a montage of Bruce's day. First, we see Kevin tied to a wire fence with his tie, as Bruce brings one of his friends over to see Kevin. Then, we see Bruce taking Kevin for a walk, using his tie like a leash. Next we see Kevin, Bruce, and his friend at an ice cream cart - Kevin buys the kids ice cream with an American Express card. After another shot of Bruce walking Kevin, we see Bruce and his friend on a set of bleachers eating their ice cream. Kevin is next to them, drinking a martini. Then we see them going home, with Kevin holding on to the back of Bruce's bike and jogging along behind him. Cut to Bruce's backyard, where they're setting up a tent. Kevin undresses behind the tent and lays his pants across the top. Finally, we see them inside the tent at night, reading with a flashlight. The next shot shows us that Bruce is helping Kevin trace his finger along the stock page of the newspaper, reading along with him.]

[Cut to the tent, the next morning. Kevin awakes and starts coughing.]

Bruce: Mr. Stevenson, are you okay? Are you alright? Here, try something to drink.

[Bruce hands him his martini. Kevin takes a drink, but it runs out of his mouth and back into the glass.]

Bruce: That- oh, Mr. Stevenson! Mom! Mom! Mom!

[Bruce runs in the house, into the kitchen where Scott is standing. Bruce continues crying "Mom!" plaintively, as he starts to choke up, and even as Scott starts trying to calm him down.]

Scott: What? What?

[Scott keeps asking "What?", but Bruce is too busy crying "Mom!" to notice.]

Scott: What is it? What? Shhhh.

[Scott tousles Bruce's hair and comforts him.]

Bruce: Mom, Mr. Stevenson is sick.

Scott: What?

Bruce: He's off his martinis. I just don't know what...

Scott: Oh, I see. [sighing] How can I explain? Corey, you like school, don't you?

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: You feel comfortable there?

Bruce: Sure.

Scott: Now, how would you feel if your school was 20,000 fathoms below the sea, and your teacher, instead of pretty Miss Maver, was rather Morda, the goat woman? And all you had to eat all day was potatoes and ice? How would you feel?

Bruce: Confused.

Scott: Exactly. Corey, Mr. Stevenson is a businessman, and what he needs you could never give him. For example, a promotion. There's no room for advancement here, and that is death to a businessman. Now, if you love Mr. Stevenson as much as I know you do, you'll do the right thing.

[Cut to an office building. Outside the building are Mark and Dave, standing near the curb.]

Dave: Hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala, mmm. Ooooh.

Mark: Ooooh.

Dave: Hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala.

[Dave takes out a business card, and Mark follows suit. They exchange cards, acting as if they are afraid of each other. They sniff at the cards like dogs picking up a scent, then put the cards away.]

Dave and Mark: Ha ha ha ha ha!

[They shake hands and clap each other on the back, laughing. Dave makes a taxi-hailing gesture, and Mark copies him.]

Dave: Oh, taxi!

Mark: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

[Kevin approaches them cautiously. Dave keeps "hugala"-ing, and Mark makes odd noises at the back of his throat. Kevin takes out two business cards and offers them. Mark and Dave accept and give Kevin their cards. All three men sniff at the cards they are holding. Dave and Mark look at each other and laugh. They all shake hands, then smell their hands. All three turn their attention back to hailing a taxi.]

Mark: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

Kevin: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

Kevin: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

[A taxi pulls up to the curb. Dave opens the door for Mark, and Mark and Dave get into the taxi. Kevin goes back over to Bruce, who looks like he's about to cry. Kevin loosens his tie, pulls it off over his head, and puts it around Bruce's neck.]

Bruce: Maybe I'll get a job in your company someday.

[Kevin just gets a sad look on his face.]

Dave: Taxi! Taxi!

[Kevin looks over at the taxi.]

Dave: Taxi!

[Kevin gets into the taxi, and it pulls away from the curb. Bruce starts to cry.]

Bruce: Bye, Mr. Stevenson.

[Bruce runs off down the sidewalk. Cut to the kitchen. Scott is standing at the counter with a small box in front of him. Bruce runs in, goes over to the door across the room, and leans on it, still sobbing.]

Bruce: I did it. I took him back.

Scott: Oh. Corey? Today I passed a pet shop, and I saw the cutest little guy in the window.

Bruce: I don't want another pet, Mom.

Scott: Oh? Well, you'll have to tell him yourself, Corey, 'cause I just don't have the heart.

[Bruce stops crying and goes over next to Scott.]

Scott: Y'know, he really seemed to take to me, but if you want to take him back, I guess it's your prerogative.

[Scott opens the box and takes out a double handful of cooked oatmeal in one big, runny glob.]

Bruce: Wow! Cooked oatmeal!

Scott: Yeah.

[Bruce takes the oatmeal from Scott.]

Scott: He's gonna need a lot of love.

[They both "ooh" at how cute it is. Bruce puts the oatmeal on his shoulder and nudges it with his head.]

Bruce: He likes me, Mom!

Scott: He likes you!

Bruce: He likes me! Mom?

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: I'll call him Mr. Stevenson II.

Scott: That's my boy. Come on.

[Scott pets the oatmeal, and they leave the room.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video