Bruce: Star-Crossed Lovers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Bruce: Karen and I were so in love. We were like Romeo and Juliet. The only difference between us and the original star-crossed lovers, is that we saw other people. The other difference between us and Romeo and Juliet is that no one opposed our love. But by God I wanted them to. "You don't like her!" I'd leer at my friends, "I'm causing a scandal aren't I?" But they all liked her, those that had met her. For those who hadn't, I tried describing her in less than glowing terms, you know, hoping they'd say, "gee she sounds less than perfect." Then I could reply, "Less that perfect? Ha! I won't stop seeing her! Don't force me to decide." But my friends never fell for it. They're very cunning. Most of them work in book stores.

You could learn what a failure I felt when her father actually approved of me. Well Juliet's father never approved of her Romeo. He prob'ly wanted her to go out with someone by the name of Gordon. I was no Gordon.

We took those long walks that people like us took. We looked for furniture in the garbage. We'd see things that were old like our love will be one day I'd often say. It's like we literally had our own language. Baby talk- and it seemed to flow from us like a glorious rushing river. Although sometimes she'd just baby talk and I'd baby listen.

But friends, then one day it happened. Karen came over to my house and she was drunk. Drunk on love? NO! Drunk on gin! Which is quite different but sorta the same I guess; and, she announced that my job at the student employment center was all hokum and she said that she couldn't see me anymore because her father had once been mean to her mum. The bastard I thought. And then after she left, that's when it hit me. That we *were* like star-crossed lovers. Instead of me gulping poison, one day I'd see her in a movie line-up with a guy who looked like a keyboard player and *that* would be my slow death. That was a long time ago. But you know still whenever I see a, a beautiful woman in a restaurant sending back her food- I miss her.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video