Sketch Comedy

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Dave, seated on a black stage, hooked to an IV.]

Dave: [lifelessly] Sketch comedy. What is it? What is required? The first thing that is needed for a comedy sketch is a premise. How about a what if premise? What if a man awoke one morning to discover his chest had been colonized by Spain?

[cut to Scott in bed on an otherwise empty stage. Bruce enters on left dressed somewhat like a Musketeer in armor.]

Scott: [yawns]

Bruce: [with an accent] I claim this chest in the name of Spain. [Sticks a mini Spanish flag into Scott's chest.]

[cut to Dave.]

Dave: The premise has been established. the comedic possibilities are inherent. All that is need for this to progress is a conflict.

[cut to Scott and Bruce. Mark enters on right dressed similar to Bruce.]

Mark: [with French accent] I claim this chest in the name of France. [sticks a French flag into Scott's chest.] Oh! Spaniard!

Bruce: French!

Mark: My chest!

Bruce: My chest!

[The two draw their swords and clink them against each other accompanied by overdone sound effects.]

Mark: My. . .

Bruce: My chest.

[cut to Dave.]

Dave: The conflict has been set in motion.

[cut back to bed. Bruce is holding a lighted Pink Panther-esque bomb.]

Bruce: [singing] Happy Birthday to you.

[Bruce tosses the bomb into Mark's hands.]

Mark: But it's not my birthday. [tosses the bomb back.] I swear it.

Bruce: No, it's your. . .[tosses]

[Scott is waving his hands like he's battling the air.]

Mark: No . . .[tosses]

[cut to Dave.]

Dave: All that is required now for this to be a fully formed and well-rounded comedy sketch is a resolution.

[cut to bed.]

Bruce: I'm telling you I circled it. [tosses] [Kevin enters behind Mark, dressed in all black with blonde wig on.]

Mark: I don't think so cuz I'm a Cancer and it's not. . .

Kevin: Scram Spain.

Bruce: Oh!

Kevin: Shake a leg France.

[Mark and Bruce leave off to the back of the stage, into the darkness.]

Bruce: Ohhh.

Mark: Why, I ought to sell your eyes to my angry sister.

Kevin: They're gone, friend. But, I claim this chest for Mother Russia! Good mornick.

[Scott sit up and slaps his cheeks with his hands. Kevin puts his hands up by his head and they try to freeze, but they subtly fall into each other.]

[Dave enters frame wheeling in his IV.]

Dave: Notice the mug to the audience. This indicates that the punchline has been delivered. This is generally followed by a black out.

[Dave flicks IV bag with finger.]

[Fade out.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video