Transcribed from: The Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
Mark: uptight brother
Kevin: Sabu Devorsky, crafty, much more laid-back brother
Setting: in a straw hut on a tropical island
(Mark enters carrying a net and a roll of string. He sees Kevin sleeping and slams the string beside his head, waking him. Kevin coughs and hacks as he reaches for a cigarette. He lights it and takes a drag. His coughing stops.)
MARK: Brother, why are you always sleeping?
KEVIN: I was tired. I get tired and I sleep. Can you follow that?
MARK: Did you finish building the fence?
KEVIN: Do you see a fence?
KEVIN: (Spreads his arms as if to say, 'So . . . ?')
MARK: Where did you get this beer?
KEVIN: What beer? What beer? I don't know any beer . . .
MARK: (Picking up empty bottles off the ground) This beer.
KEVIN: Oh that beer. I bought it, sure.
MARK: How did you buy it?
KEVIN: I borrowed money from a friend.
MARK: What friend?
KEVIN: What, were not friends anymore? (Smiles winsomely)
MARK: (Looks in a container on the table) You've stolen my money!
KEVIN: Oh come on, stop that. No, I didn't steal it. I borrowed it. Besides, I'm keeping a strict account, a very accurate account, that will pay you back to the last penny.
MARK: How will you do that?
KEVIN: Actually, I've been thinking about that.
MARK: Oh, you've been thinking!
KEVIN: It's very simple. I'll just carve more of these coconut boats. (Holds up a shabby coconut husk with a little paper sail stuck into it) It all comes as instinct to us kids.
MARK: This is a boat?
KEVIN: Yep, built it with my own hands.
MARK: What tourist would take pity on you enough to buy this pathetic object? (Tosses boat into a corner) Huh?
KEVIN: Hey, that's my boat!
MARK: Besides, you are a hideous, chain smoking child.
KEVIN: Will you clam it? Will you just shut up? Will you shut up about that? Do I have to hear this everyday of my life? Huh? I know that technically I'm still a boy . . . .
MARK: Yes, technically you are still a boy because, technically, youve failed the rites of manhood every year for the last thirty-seven years.
KEVIN: Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. Just shut up. Don't worry, it's in the bag this year, I promise you. I understand the competition is very weak . . .
MARK: Your competition is twelve, on average. And you, 53 years old.
KEVIN: I'm 52 years young.
MARK: You will fail.
KEVIN: Oh sure, I may be less agile at the tree climbing. I may not be so hot at the mountain running portion of the contest. But I will do great in the public speaking and I will sweep the trivia quiz.
MARK: There is no trivia quiz.
KEVIN: Now that's exactly my point!
MARK: What's your point?
KEVIN: Why can't we have a trivia quiz for manhood?
KEVIN: Sure. That'd be fun. (Picks up a Trivial Pursuit card and reads a question) "Candidate for manhood . . . name the best actor in 1982." Well oh Wise One, it was Ben Kingsley for Gandhi. Winner of seven Oscars in total. (Looks at the answer side) Yes! Yes! Hell, I'd be chief! But no, on this island we have to go hunting for the great white sha-ark. We have to go fishing for the great white sha-ark.
(Mark shouts a war cry)
KEVIN: Shut up you pathetic fishhead. You know, sometimes I look at you and I have to wonder just what the hell are our priorities on this island.
MARK: I'll tell you what our priorities are, I'll tell you-
KEVIN: What? What? What?!
MARK: They are to hunt, to fish, and to procreate with women, which is something you will never know.
KEVIN: Oh whoa, whoa, whoa there a second brother! Now I may be a boy, but when it comes to women, sometimes I'm a bad boy.
MARK: That is forbidden, you.
KEVIN: Oh, it's forbidden, huh?
MARK: Yes it's forbidden.
KEVIN: (bending over) So spank me. C'mon, spank me. Get the elders here to spank this ass. Let's see you spank this ass. You haven't got the guts.
MARK: How do you know?
KEVIN: I'll bet you're still a virgin, too. (Mark looks sad and embarrassed, then looks away.) I knew it, case closed. Where's my suntan lotion? Oh, there it is . . .
MARK: (grabbing the bottle) Wait a second, what do you need with suntan lotion? You're a native.
KEVIN: Yes, but psychologically I'm a tourist. (Grabs bottle back)
MARK: You're useless.
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah. I'm Dennis the Menace, right? And you're like a stuck record. And uh, speaking of monotony, are you and the boys going out fishing today?
MARK: The men of this village fish everyday.
KEVIN: I know. I just thought that since Pagu got eaten by the shark ...
KEVIN: You didn't hear? Oh yeah - Pagu got eaten by a great white this morning.
MARK: Not Pagu the Brave?
KEVIN: Oh yeah, they brought back Mr. Brave in a little paper bag, I'll tell you that. (Looks out the window) In fact, isn't that his hand mounted on his widow's hut? Personally, I think it's tacky, but if she likes it ...
MARK: We are still masters of the shark, don't you worry.
KEVIN: (Still looking at the hand) Oh yeah, I can see that. Anyway, oh "master", be careful on the boats today ...
MARK: Don't you worry.
KEVIN: ... because you never know (hums the theme to Jaws) Doo doo. Doo doo. Doodoo doodoo - don't you get it?
KEVIN: 1975. Oscar winner for best original - ah forget it. I'm off to the beach. (Picks up a straw beach bag)
MARK: Yes, go to the beach and help the women with their washing, boy.
KEVIN: Yeah ... I think I will. (Leaves hut, singing) I wish they all could be California - hey Mona! Hows it hangin' baby?
(Mark emits another war cry)
KEVIN: (off-camera) It's me, Sabu. Sabu Devorsky. I live in the second hut over ...
Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video