Transcribed from: Comedy Central[Transcriber's Note: The humor in this sketch is based mostly on Dave's portrayal of the character. All lines are delivered very sarcastically, which is hard to convey in a transcript. For the sake of consistency, I've italicized emphasized words based on the captioning.]
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[The snack table at a party. Dave stands there drinking a beer, and Kevin walks over.]
Kevin: Great party, huh? I actually don't know anyone at the party, actually, I'm kinda new to the neighborhood, actually, but my friend Chris said "come to the party, I'll introduce you around, you'll know everybody by the time you leave the party." Chris knows everybody, and soon I'll know everybody! 'Course, Chris didn't show up. So I guess I gotta mingle. So here I am mingling! 'Course, mingling really isn't my game, I'm not really a mingler, per se, I was actually in the corner alone mingling - that means I'm not talking to anyone, actually. I saw you over here, I said "there's a guy by himself, why not go over here, I'll mingle with this guy, this guy looks like a mingler," so hi, I'm Derek, pleased to meet you.
[Kevin extends his arm, and they shake hands.]
Dave: Well it certainly is a pleasure to meet you, Derek.
Kevin: I'm sorry if I bothered you.
Dave: Oh no, you're not bothering me, Derek, far from it. There's nothing I would rather do than just stand here and chat with you! Y'know - really get to know you?
Kevin: Look, I don't think there's any need to be sarcastic.
Dave: Oh, I'm not being sarcastic! Nooo! This is just a little speech impediment. I can't help it!
Kevin: Okay, I've obviously said or done something wrong to upset you, I'm just gonna apologize and be on my way.
Dave: No, no, no, please stay. It's true. I've talked this way all my life. It's made things very difficult for me.
Kevin: Yeah! Right!
[Kevin walks away, with Dave calling after him.]
Dave: Hey! Where ya goin'? Come back! I really wanna be your friend! [to the camera] I'm so lonely.