Salt Confiscator

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Mark, Kevin, and Scott sitting around a table eating fast food and talking.]

Mark: So then, she took her long, bony finger, pointed it at me, told me that I had no future as a bicycle courier-

Scott: No!

Mark: Yeah, yeah, then she took the vegetarian chili and whipped it all over my kitchen.

Kevin: What a creep! Creep!

Mark: It was everywhere, the walls, the floor, it got into my aquarium, killed one of my angelfish-

Scott: Your fish?

Mark: Yeah, the fish.

Scott: I love your fish.

Mark: I love my fish, why didn't you tell me that she was-

[Bruce steps up to them and pulls their table back a few inches]

Bruce: Okay then, what's with all the hoopla?

Kevin: What?

Mark: Hoopla?

Bruce: Yep, I heard hoopla.

Kevin: Look, we were just talking, if we were too loud, I apologize.

Bruce: No, no, no, I distinctly heard hoopla.

Mark: Hey man, no hoopla here.

Bruce:: [getting in M's face] Hey! I'm not a man, I'm a security guard, and I can spot hoopla from about a mile away.

Mark: Look, what's the big deal, I was just talking to my friends here, y'know, we were just sitting around having a hamburger and talking, that's-

Bruce: Hey! I know what you were doing. No hoopla. Y'know what hoopla-makers get?

Mark, Kevin, Scott: No.

Bruce: They get an ear toss. That's right [pinching Kevin's ear], they get tossed right on their ears! Hey man! [points at Scott] Don't even think about it! Okay guys, I've been pushed a little bit too far. I'm taking your salt.

Kevin: What?

Bruce: I'm confiscating your salt, guys, and if there's any more hoopla from this general vicinity, I'll be back to take down your names and, uh, weigh your heads.

[Bruce pushes table back and exits]

[outside, Bruce takes off his jacket - Dave starts the car as Bruce jumps in and they drive away] Dave: Get the salt?

Bruce: Yeah, but it wasn't easy.

Dave: They see your face?

Bruce: No, I don't think so.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video