Death of Rock -- Bobby vs. Mr Gorgenchuck

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by:
Cast: Bruce: No, Mr Gorgenchuck, I will not stop rockin' in your classroom. You're sittin' there telling me about the food chain, well how about the rock chain? Instead of a cow at the top there's like maybe a guitar. Cause Mr. Gorgenchuck, if I don't feel free to rock, be it here or anywhere, you might as well cut off my limbs, might as well cut off my limbs and mail them to Mother Russia. Cause if I can't rock, I don't want to walk. If I can't air guitar, I don't want no air at all. So, Mr Gorenchuck, if you really want me to stop rockin', I hope you're prepared to sand off my face. Are you sir? Are you prepared to grind me up, burn my bones, and scatter the ashes in the far reaches of the universe? Cause that is what it's gonna take sir. You and I are mortal, but rock and roll will never die.

Dave: Now that's just where you're wrong Bobby. Recent studies show that rock and roll is, in fact, dying.

Bruce: What??

Dave: Popular music has been on the wane since 1974, the year of the first Bad Company release.

Bruce: I have that album.

Dave:: Ha ha ha, of course you do Bob. You see poor live performances by the likes of Chuck Berry and even Jerry Lee Lewis are destroying the music that they alledge to celebrate. And tests show that a Beach Boys concert is a very sad thing. This coupled with the growing interest in ethnic music has undermined the support base of the music that you and your friends love.

Bruce: What??

Dave: Let's see if I can't put this into terms you'll understand. Say you had 12 beer.

Bruce: Oh, okay all right!

Dave: All right! Now let's say that four of those beer rep- resent the Pogues, another six represent the Gypsy Kings, and one beer is shared by The Chieftains and Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

Bruce: Hold it, that only leaves one beer. I'll never get drunk on one beer!

Dave: Exactly Bob. But learn to nurse that beer and before you know it, you'll be loving jazz!

Bruce: Jazz!? Never!!

Dave: Tests don't lie Bob.

Bruce: How long...has rock got?

Dave: According to a computer model, three years. About the time you'll be graduating.

Bruce: Then I'll live each day like my rockin' last!

Dave: Where as I will look forward to the dominance of jazz!

Bruce: Then you sir are my nemesis!

(Dave begins to play the flute...)

Bruce: No! No! Ahhhh!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video