Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: barb (email@example.com)
[Kevin looks like a harried housewife with curlers and a bathrobe talking to two police officers]
Kevin: [talking to two police officers] Please, Officer and Officer. Just give me a few moments please. I can do it please. Just stay here, please. [knocks on bathroom door]. HENRY, Open this door right now!
Kevin: Why not, Henry?
Bruce: Because you don't believe anymore.
Kevin: Untrue, Henry, Untrue!
Bruce: Go away you infidel, you ... you heathen. You unbeliever!
Kevin: [knocks] I do believe Henry. I do believe in it.
Bruce: No, you don't by the way you GLARED at it this morning, it's very, very clear to me that you stopped believing in the power of my cock, haven't you?!
Kevin: [looks over at the policemen]
Bruce: You've lost faith in my little cock, haven't you?!
Kevin: I am well acquainted with the power of your ... COCK!
Bruce: Don't be obscene!
Kevin: I'm ... I'm sorry Henry, I wasn't trying to be obscene. Now, Henry, [knocks on door again] Please, Henry, come to the door and we'll have a nice little chat.
Bruce: Oh, just the two of us?
Kevin: Yes. [nods to the police]
Bruce: So my cock is not invited, eh?
Kevin: Oh no, no, no, bring your cock along. Your cock is welcome ... [knocks] just open the door, Henry! Open the door! [Kevin peeps through keyhole]
Bruce: [sitting in a bathtub] You don't believe that my cock can really change the city, do you?
Kevin: I do believe Henry, 100% all the way. I believe!
Bruce: Well if you're such a fan, then COCK QUIZ, COCK QUIZ!
Kevin: Unfair Henry! You know I'm no good at trivia!
Bruce: Too late! First question. What player for the Pittsburgh Steelers was famous the Immaculate Reception and wore jersey number 32? Franco Harris or My Cock?
Kevin: Your cock?
Bruce: Damn RIGHT! Damn right!
[Policeman motions to his watch. Kevin sees the gesture and turns to the door]
Kevin: Henry, Henry. [slight whisper] The police are here. Yes, this is very serious. They have a warrant for you and your cock. They want you and your cock to come out with all your hands up.
Bruce: Great, Great. It was time the authorities began conferring with my cock tête-a-tête and who knows? Perhaps a photo opportunity will present itself. I'll need all the exposure I can get in the upcoming election if my cock is to thrash that incumbant.
Kevin: So your cock is running for Mayor? [makes the 'he's a nut' sign to the cops, by whirling finger near his head]
Bruce: Don't you read the papers? I see a great future for this country. [Kevin making drinking motions to the cops] A greening of the promises written by our forefathers in the Constitution of these United States, as interpreted by my cock.
[Paper slids out from under the door, Kevin bends down to pick it up]
Kevin: Henry, what is this?
Bruce: It's my campaign song. [Kevin makes a face] SING!
Kevin: [cops gather to look at the words ... Bruce starts sings, Kevin hesitantly joins in] My cock is...
Both: Big and glorious.
Both: Mighty and yet marvelous [One cop pulls out a gun, pulls Kevin away from the door]
Kevin: [singing ... sort of] Doodah doodah
Bruce: [still singing] My cock is wise and so glorious...
Kevin: [singing] My cock is so wonderful and strong...
[Cops prepare to break down door, Kevin still trying to sing]