The Power of My Cock

Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: barb (

[Kevin looks like a harried housewife with curlers and a bathrobe talking to two police officers]

Kevin: [talking to two police officers] Please, Officer and Officer. Just give me a few moments please. I can do it please. Just stay here, please. [knocks on bathroom door]. HENRY, Open this door right now!

Bruce: No.

Kevin: Why not, Henry?

Bruce: Because you don't believe anymore.

Kevin: Untrue, Henry, Untrue!

Bruce: Go away you infidel, you ... you heathen. You unbeliever!

Kevin: [knocks] I do believe Henry. I do believe in it.

Bruce: No, you don't by the way you GLARED at it this morning, it's very, very clear to me that you stopped believing in the power of my cock, haven't you?!

Kevin: [looks over at the policemen]

Bruce: You've lost faith in my little cock, haven't you?!

Kevin: I am well acquainted with the power of your ... COCK!

Bruce: Don't be obscene!

Kevin: I'm ... I'm sorry Henry, I wasn't trying to be obscene. Now, Henry, [knocks on door again] Please, Henry, come to the door and we'll have a nice little chat.

Bruce: Oh, just the two of us?

Kevin: Yes. [nods to the police]

Bruce: So my cock is not invited, eh?

Kevin: Oh no, no, no, bring your cock along. Your cock is welcome ... [knocks] just open the door, Henry! Open the door! [Kevin peeps through keyhole]

Bruce: [sitting in a bathtub] You don't believe that my cock can really change the city, do you?

Kevin: I do believe Henry, 100% all the way. I believe!

Bruce: Well if you're such a fan, then COCK QUIZ, COCK QUIZ!

Kevin: Unfair Henry! You know I'm no good at trivia!

Bruce: Too late! First question. What player for the Pittsburgh Steelers was famous the Immaculate Reception and wore jersey number 32? Franco Harris or My Cock?

Kevin: Your cock?

Bruce: Damn RIGHT! Damn right!

[Policeman motions to his watch. Kevin sees the gesture and turns to the door]

Kevin: Henry, Henry. [slight whisper] The police are here. Yes, this is very serious. They have a warrant for you and your cock. They want you and your cock to come out with all your hands up.

Bruce: Great, Great. It was time the authorities began conferring with my cock tête-a-tête and who knows? Perhaps a photo opportunity will present itself. I'll need all the exposure I can get in the upcoming election if my cock is to thrash that incumbant.

Kevin: So your cock is running for Mayor? [makes the 'he's a nut' sign to the cops, by whirling finger near his head]

Bruce: Don't you read the papers? I see a great future for this country. [Kevin making drinking motions to the cops] A greening of the promises written by our forefathers in the Constitution of these United States, as interpreted by my cock.

[Paper slids out from under the door, Kevin bends down to pick it up]

Kevin: Henry, what is this?

Bruce: It's my campaign song. [Kevin makes a face] SING!

Kevin: [cops gather to look at the words ... Bruce starts sings, Kevin hesitantly joins in] My cock is...

Both: Big and glorious.

Bruce: SING!

Both: Mighty and yet marvelous [One cop pulls out a gun, pulls Kevin away from the door]

Kevin: [singing ... sort of] Doodah doodah

Bruce: [still singing] My cock is wise and so glorious...

Kevin: [singing] My cock is so wonderful and strong...

[Cops prepare to break down door, Kevin still trying to sing]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video