Transcribed from: Comedy Central[Five men sitting around a table playing cards. All unnamed, except Kevin McDonald is named Howard.]
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[Note: Because it is a conversation, there are some things said at the same time as others or some things more audible than others. I've tried to notate these things with "quiet".]
Kevin: Okay, uh, I'll uh see your five. . .and raise ya five!
Bruce: I ante, and I fold.
Scott: Okay. I'll see your ten and raise you five.
Mark: So, it's fifteen to me?
Mark: Okay, I'll see the fifteen and I'll raise five.
Dave: Okay, I'll see the twenty and I'll raise twenty.
Kevin: Okay, I'll fold.
Scott: I'll fold.
Bruce: Ha! Uh, I'm still folded.
[Mark and Dave locked in stare; Dave looks down.]
Mark: Yeah. I'll see your twenty and call.
Bruce: Ha ha ha ha.
[Dave throws down cards for all to see.]
Kevin: Ha ha! I knew it, a pair of twos.
Bruce: That's it?
Kevin: You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker--
Dave: Well, now that we all know that I'm a bad bluffer--
Kevin: My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing! --
Dave: Well, why don't we shut up then? Why don't we just shut up? Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff--
Mark: Read `em and weep.
Dave: [to himself] I wish I could weep.
Mark: My deal? [shuffles] So, you in or out of this one? I want more of your money.
Dave: Just give me a minute.
Mark: C'mon, you in or out?
Dave: Just give me a minute.
Mark: Are you in or out?
Dave: Would you just give me a minute?!
Mark: What's wrong with you? Having your period?
[All laugh; Kevin more audibly than the others.]
Dave: What if I was, huh?
Mark: Do you want to step outside?
Dave: No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month; okay?
Bruce: [quiet] C'mon guys.
Kevin: Might help a guy organize his time.
Dave: Yeah. Each month I feel my body become fertile and I'd say, "No, I choose not to have a baby. Oh Rent's due."
Mark: Well, that'd be uh. . .That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know, because I hear menopause is ugly.
Dave: [sarcastically] Oh?
Scott: I heard it's great.
Scott: Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one.
Mark: [quiet] That's not what I heard.
Kevin: [quiet] I heard you don't know what you're talking about.
Dave: [over rest] Well, _we_ will never know, will we.
Kevin: Deal. . .
Bruce: I, uh, ran into Arlene the other day.
Kevin: [unenthusiastically] Oh yeah, Arlene.
Mark: Which one's Arlene again?
Scott: Yeah, you know, the one with the big tits.
Mark: Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend had tits like that.
Dave: [quiet] Oh, come on.
Bruce: I wish I had tits like that. . .breasts like that.
Scott: Um. Why?
Bruce: I don't know, to give milk or what not. Nurture another living thing. I don't know, lots of reasons.
Dave: Yeah, I understand. I understand.
Mark: Yeah, well I'll tell you this--you'd get in a lot of trouble if your foreman caught you breast-feeding on the loading dock.
Scott: Huh, huh, huh, huh.
Bruce: Well, then I'd just have to get a job in a more enlightened warehouse.
Dave: Yeah. You don't need them.
Bruce: No, I wouldn't.
Kevin: You know Arlene's having a baby.
Bruce: Oh yeah; that's right. She says it's a boy. No ultrasound. She just knows.
Kevin: [quiet] Really? That's so cool.
Dave: Wow. That's amazing.
Scott: God, I'd like to have a baby.
Mark: Heh! What would you want a baby for?
Scott: I'm bored.
Dave: Oh. . .c'mon.
Kevin: Good reason!
Dave: You would be such a rotten mother. You would be such a rotten, rotten mother.
Scott: I would not!
Dave: You would be a _horrible_ mother! Do you want to know who would be a good mother?
Scott: [quiet] Yeah, who?
Bruce: _I_ would be a good mother.
Scott: [quiet] Bull.
Dave: Nooo. . .you would make a great wet nurse. Howard would make a great mother.
Dave: Yeah, Howard.
Scott: Why Howard?
Dave: Well, think about it.
Kevin: I'm nurturing. I still have that rubber tree plant from college.
Bruce: You're kidding! That thing was like [illustrates with fingers small size] like this big when you got it.
Dave: And how big is it now?
Bruce: I just wouldn't have the patience.
Kevin: You need patience.
Mark: Let's play cards.
Scott: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Dave: All right.
Mark: Okay, gents, I'd like to be a dyke.
Bruce: Ha ha.
Scott: Who wouldn't?
Mark: Don't be crass! I meant that. I'd like to be buried in the sisterhood of women.
Bruce: Yeah. Lesbians are so great. They get so much done in a day.
Dave: [quiet] Yeah.
Mark: Yeah, yeah. You know why? Because they get it done together. There's no competition. With them, it's "go team" all the way.
Dave: Wow, women together, huh?
Scott: Is that women with a "Y"?
Dave: Oh! Do you have to ask?
Bruce: [quiet] Jeez.
Mark: Oh, wait, wait! Oh, sorry. I forgot to call wild. Hold on. What do you want wild?
Mark: Put your cards down.
Kevin: Oh. Threes, fives, sevens.
Dave: Eights and tens!
Scott: Um, face cards.
Mark: Okay, everything's wild. I'll play you for the ante. What do ya got?
Kevin: [lays down cards] Five aces.
Bruce: [lays down cards. Proud.] Five aces.
Scott: [lays down cards] Five aces.
Mark: [lays down cards] Five aces.
Dave: I got nothin'. [throws cards down, face down to center of table.]
Scott: What do you mean?
Kevin: You can't have nothing.
Dave: I got nothin'.
Kevin: Everything's wild!
Dave: Well, I got nothing.
Mark: [looking at Dave's hand.] No. He's right. He's got nothin'. [Shows cards to rest.]
Bruce: What a hand!
Kevin: You are the worst poker player in the history of poker.