Poker Game

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Five men sitting around a table playing cards. All unnamed, except Kevin McDonald is named Howard.]

[Note: Because it is a conversation, there are some things said at the same time as others or some things more audible than others. I've tried to notate these things with "quiet".]

Kevin: Okay, uh, I'll uh see your five. . .and raise ya five!

Bruce: I ante, and I fold.

Scott: Okay. I'll see your ten and raise you five.

Mark: So, it's fifteen to me?

Scott: Yup.

Dave: Yeah.

Mark: Okay, I'll see the fifteen and I'll raise five.

Scott: Ooo-kay.

Dave: Okay, I'll see the twenty and I'll raise twenty.

All: Ooo.

Bruce: Huh-ha.

Kevin: Okay, I'll fold.

Bruce: Huh-ha.

Scott: I'll fold.

Bruce: Ha! Uh, I'm still folded.

[Mark and Dave locked in stare; Dave looks down.]

Mark: Yeah. I'll see your twenty and call.

Bruce: Ha ha ha ha.

[Dave throws down cards for all to see.]

Kevin: Ha ha! I knew it, a pair of twos.

[All laugh.]

Scott: Unbelievable.

Bruce: That's it?

Kevin: You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker--

Dave: Well, now that we all know that I'm a bad bluffer--

Kevin: My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing! --

Dave: Well, why don't we shut up then? Why don't we just shut up? Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff--

Mark: Read `em and weep.

Dave: [to himself] I wish I could weep.

Mark: My deal? [shuffles] So, you in or out of this one? I want more of your money.

Dave: Just give me a minute.

Mark: C'mon, you in or out?

Dave: Just give me a minute.

Mark: Are you in or out?

Dave: Would you just give me a minute?!

Mark: What's wrong with you? Having your period?

[All laugh; Kevin more audibly than the others.]

Dave: What if I was, huh?

Mark: Do you want to step outside?

Dave: No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month; okay?

Bruce: [quiet] C'mon guys.

Scott: Why?

Kevin: Might help a guy organize his time.

Dave: Yeah. Each month I feel my body become fertile and I'd say, "No, I choose not to have a baby. Oh Rent's due."

Mark: Well, that'd be uh. . .That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know, because I hear menopause is ugly.

Dave: [sarcastically] Oh?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Really?

Mark: Yes.

Scott: I heard it's great.

Mark: What?

Scott: Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one.

Mark: [quiet] That's not what I heard.

Kevin: [quiet] I heard you don't know what you're talking about.

Dave: [over rest] Well, _we_ will never know, will we.

Kevin: Deal. . .

[Mark deals.]

Bruce: I, uh, ran into Arlene the other day.

Kevin: [unenthusiastically] Oh yeah, Arlene.

Mark: Which one's Arlene again?

Scott: Yeah, you know, the one with the big tits.

Mark: Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend had tits like that.

Dave: [quiet] Oh, come on.

Bruce: I wish I had tits like that. . .breasts like that.

Scott: Um. Why?

Bruce: I don't know, to give milk or what not. Nurture another living thing. I don't know, lots of reasons.

Dave: Yeah, I understand. I understand.

Mark: Yeah, well I'll tell you this--you'd get in a lot of trouble if your foreman caught you breast-feeding on the loading dock.

Scott: Huh, huh, huh, huh.

Bruce: Well, then I'd just have to get a job in a more enlightened warehouse.

Dave: Yeah. You don't need them.

Bruce: No, I wouldn't.

Kevin: You know Arlene's having a baby.

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: Oh yeah; that's right. She says it's a boy. No ultrasound. She just knows.

Kevin: [quiet] Really? That's so cool.

Dave: Wow. That's amazing.

Scott: God, I'd like to have a baby.

Mark: Heh! What would you want a baby for?

Scott: I'm bored.

Dave: Oh. . .c'mon.

Kevin: Good reason!

Dave: You would be such a rotten mother. You would be such a rotten, rotten mother.

Scott: I would not!

Dave: You would be a _horrible_ mother! Do you want to know who would be a good mother?

Scott: [quiet] Yeah, who?

Bruce: _I_ would be a good mother.

Scott: [quiet] Bull.

Dave: Nooo. . .you would make a great wet nurse. Howard would make a great mother.

Scott: Howard?

Dave: Yeah, Howard.

Scott: Why Howard?

Dave: Well, think about it.

Kevin: I'm nurturing. I still have that rubber tree plant from college.

Bruce: You're kidding! That thing was like [illustrates with fingers small size] like this big when you got it.

Dave: And how big is it now?

Kevin: 6-2!

Rest: Wow.

Bruce: I just wouldn't have the patience.

Kevin: You need patience.

Mark: Let's play cards.

Scott: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dave: All right.

Mark: Okay, gents, I'd like to be a dyke.

Bruce: Ha ha.

Scott: Who wouldn't?

Mark: Don't be crass! I meant that. I'd like to be buried in the sisterhood of women.

Bruce: Yeah. Lesbians are so great. They get so much done in a day.

Dave: [quiet] Yeah.

Mark: Yeah, yeah. You know why? Because they get it done together. There's no competition. With them, it's "go team" all the way.

Dave: Wow, women together, huh?

Scott: Is that women with a "Y"?

Dave: Oh! Do you have to ask?

Bruce: [quiet] Jeez.

Mark: Oh, wait, wait! Oh, sorry. I forgot to call wild. Hold on. What do you want wild?

Bruce: Uh.

Mark: Put your cards down.

Bruce: Twos.

Kevin: Oh. Threes, fives, sevens.

Dave: Eights and tens!

Scott: Um, face cards.

Mark: Okay, everything's wild. I'll play you for the ante. What do ya got?

Kevin: [lays down cards] Five aces.

Bruce: [lays down cards. Proud.] Five aces.

Scott: [lays down cards] Five aces.

Mark: [lays down cards] Five aces.

Dave: I got nothin'. [throws cards down, face down to center of table.]

Scott: What do you mean?

Kevin: You can't have nothing.

Dave: I got nothin'.

Kevin: Everything's wild!

Dave: Well, I got nothing.

Mark: [looking at Dave's hand.] No. He's right. He's got nothin'. [Shows cards to rest.]

Bruce: What a hand!

Kevin: You are the worst poker player in the history of poker.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video