Stinky Pink

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Scott and Mark are hugging. Mark is crying, Scott is comforting. Mark has his hair underneath a yello showercap.]

Scott: There, there, let it out, let- it ľout.

Mark: Fourteen years, Fran!

Scott: Oh, I know, I know, Barbara, fourteen years.

Mark: Fourteen years, I feel like such a failure!

Scott: I know, but look, he never really gave you your space now, did he?

Mark: No, no, I guess not, but I suppose I never really asked for it, did I?

Scott: No you didn't.

Mark: More tea?

Scott: I'd love a cup, come on.

[They go to sit at the kitchen table.]

Scott: So? So, Barbara, when are you gonna tell little Seanie?

Mark: Well, I have a plan.

Scott: Well?

Mark: I was gonna tell him on, on, on- um, Monday. I was gonna take him out to the zoo, and then out to a movie, and then out to lunch at McDonald's, and then out to another movie, and then-

Scott: Hold it! You're gonna have to tell him right away, you've got to.

[Kevin enters.]

Scott: Here he comes. Shh, shh.

Kevin: Hi, mommy, hi, Aunt Fran.

Scott: Sean, Sean, sit down, your mom's got something she'd like to discuss with you.

Kevin: Oh?

Scott: Okay? I'll get you a glass of milk, okay?

[Scott gets up.]

Mark: Yeah.

Kevin: What is it mommy?

Mark: Well, Seanie, mommy's got something she'd like to discuss with you, and, um, Fran, would you get back in here, please?!

Scott: [Hurrying back to seat with milk.] I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, jeez.

Mark: okay, where do I begin?

Scott: Begin at the beginning, okay?

Mark: Oh, yeah, all right. Now, Seanie, you may not have noticed, but mommy hasn't been very happy lately.

Kevin: Is mommy gonna leave us?

Scott and Mark: Oh, nooo, oh, noo.

[The following is all basically simultaneously.]

Mark: Oh, no, Seanie, bless your heart! Seanie, bless your heart!

[Mark kisses Kevin's head.]

Scott: Oh, come to your aunt.

[Scott kisses Kevin's head.]

Mark: Mommy's not-

[Mark kisses Kevin's head.]

Mark: Gonna leave you.

Scott: Oh, Barbara, your youngest is so young.

Mark: Aren't they?

Scott: Oh, yeah.

Mark: Okay. Now, there's just going to be some changes around the house.

Scott: Changes! Sort of like spring cleaning, huh?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Oh, you like spring, don't ya? You get to run around with all the kids on your bare feet, drinking lemonade...

Kevin: What kind of changes, mommy?

Mark: Well, um, just a- just a couple of changes, and mommy wanted you to know about them so you wouldn't be confused when they happened.

Kevin: Yeah...

Mark: Okay? Okay. Now first of all, the changes are happening today.

Scott: Today, and that's Friday, and you like Friday, don't you? Because that's the weekend. You get to run around with all your friends on your bare feet, drinking lemonade...

Mark: Fran! Would you shut up for a damn minute? I'm trying to talk to my child here.

Scott: Well, I'm sure I'm sorry.

Mark: Well, I'm sure you are.

Scott: Go on.

Mark: Anyways, uh, the first change, uh, that you may notice is that mommy has decided to change her hair color. That's what this is all about. [motioning to showercap] Okay?

Kevin: Yeah...

Mark: And mommy wanted you to know that it's the same mommy, only with a different hair color, okay?

Kevin: Mommy's changing her hair color?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Yeah.

Kevin: Well that's okay, I guess.

Mark: Okay, good, that's good. And, um--

Scott: Go, go, go.

Mark: Secondly, after today, your father won't be living with us anymore.

Kevin: Daddy's leaving us?

Mark: Yes, your father's leaving us.

Kevin: Is it because you changed your hair color?

Scott: Oh, good, I need some more tea.

[Scott gets up to get tea.]

Mark: [gets very worked up] Well, Seanie, Seanie, there's a lot of important reasons why mommy and daddy aren't going to be staying together, but I think that the important thing for you to know is that he loves you!

[The timer goes off.]

Scott: It's time.

Mark: What?

Scott: Time for the unveiling.

Mark: Oh, good.

Scott: Let's do it.

Mark: Oh, some good news, but we'll talk about the other stuff later.

Scott: Okay? Here we go. Okay, okay, okay, ohh..

[Mark takes off shower cap to reveal pink hair. Mark picks up a hand mirror.]

Mark: Oh! Oh, I love it! Oh, I like it, I do! Oh, look at that.

Scott: It's gorgeous.

Mark: Oh, it's fun, it's fun.

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah. You know, I think I might buy that halter top.

Scott: Hm-hmm.

Mark: Yeah. What do you think, Seanie, do you like it?

Kevin: There's so much evil in the world.

Mark: What dear?

Kevin: You changed your hair to pink!

Mark: Well, it's pinkish, Seanie.

Kevin: [Getting up.] Pink is a stupid color!

Mark: No, no, Seanie, come on.

[Mark gets up and tries to hold Kevin, but he keeps flailing about.]

Kevin: No, all my friends are gonna make fun of me, they won't let me in school-

Mark: No, they won't-

Kevin: 'Your mother's a pink head, your mother's a pink head!'

Mark: Now, stop it, Seanie, stop it!

[Mark grabs Kevin's wrists.]

Mark: Now, I am sick and tired of being criticized by the men in this family at this point!

Kevin: I want to move in with daddy!

[Mark slaps Kevin. Kevin runs away around the table.]

Mark: You are not moving in with your father-

[Mark is following Kevin. Scott throws his arms around Mark's waist, gets dragged around with him, falling off eventually.]

Mark: You're NOT moving in with your father, you're NOT moving in with-

Kevin: Don't hit me!

Mark: Oh!

Kevin: Don't hit me again!

Mark: Oh, no, Seanie, mommy's not gonna hit you.

[Dazed, Scott pulls himself up with the table.]

Kevin: Oh.

Mark: Oh, mommy's sorry, Seanie.

Kevin: I'm sorry, too, mommy.

[They hug.]

Mark: Oh, mommy's sorry. Mommy'll never hit you again.

Kevin: Does that mean you're gonna change your hair back to normal?

[Mark slaps Kevin. Kevin runs around the table again, screaming, and Mark follows, pointing at the floor in front of him.]

Mark: I can't change my hair-

Scott: No, no, don't Barbara-

Mark: Right here, right here, Seanie!

[Scott stops Mark.]

Kevin: Stinky pink! Stinky stinky pink! Stinky pink!

[Kevin runs out of room. Mark goes to the door to yell after him.]

Mark: Well stinky pink cooks your dinners!

[Mark turns to Scott.]

Mark: Well, I thought that went okay.

Scott: I- I thought that you did fine.

Mark: Oh, good.

Scott: Let's have some more tea.

Mark: Okay.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video