Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
[Scott and Mark are hugging. Mark is crying, Scott is comforting. Mark has his hair underneath a yello showercap.]
- Mark- Barbara
- Scott- Fran
- Kevin- Seanie
Scott: There, there, let it out, let- it ľout.
Mark: Fourteen years, Fran!
Scott: Oh, I know, I know, Barbara, fourteen years.
Mark: Fourteen years, I feel like such a failure!
Scott: I know, but look, he never really gave you your space now, did he?
Mark: No, no, I guess not, but I suppose I never really asked for it, did I?
Scott: No you didn't.
Mark: More tea?
Scott: I'd love a cup, come on.
[They go to sit at the kitchen table.]
Scott: So? So, Barbara, when are you gonna tell little Seanie?
Mark: Well, I have a plan.
Mark: I was gonna tell him on, on, on- um, Monday. I was gonna take him out to the zoo, and then out to a movie, and then out to lunch at McDonald's, and then out to another movie, and then-
Scott: Hold it! You're gonna have to tell him right away, you've got to.
Scott: Here he comes. Shh, shh.
Kevin: Hi, mommy, hi, Aunt Fran.
Scott: Sean, Sean, sit down, your mom's got something she'd like to discuss with you.
Scott: Okay? I'll get you a glass of milk, okay?
[Scott gets up.]
Kevin: What is it mommy?
Mark: Well, Seanie, mommy's got something she'd like to discuss with you, and, um, Fran, would you get back in here, please?!
Scott: [Hurrying back to seat with milk.] I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, jeez.
Mark: okay, where do I begin?
Scott: Begin at the beginning, okay?
Mark: Oh, yeah, all right. Now, Seanie, you may not have noticed, but mommy hasn't been very happy lately.
Kevin: Is mommy gonna leave us?
Scott and Mark: Oh, nooo, oh, noo.
[The following is all basically simultaneously.]
Mark: Oh, no, Seanie, bless your heart! Seanie, bless your heart!
[Mark kisses Kevin's head.]
Scott: Oh, come to your aunt.
[Scott kisses Kevin's head.]
Mark: Mommy's not-
[Mark kisses Kevin's head.]
Mark: Gonna leave you.
Scott: Oh, Barbara, your youngest is so young.
Mark: Aren't they?
Scott: Oh, yeah.
Mark: Okay. Now, there's just going to be some changes around the house.
Scott: Changes! Sort of like spring cleaning, huh?
Scott: Oh, you like spring, don't ya? You get to run around with all the kids on your bare feet, drinking lemonade...
Kevin: What kind of changes, mommy?
Mark: Well, um, just a- just a couple of changes, and mommy wanted you to know about them so you wouldn't be confused when they happened.
Mark: Okay? Okay. Now first of all, the changes are happening today.
Scott: Today, and that's Friday, and you like Friday, don't you? Because that's the weekend. You get to run around with all your friends on your bare feet, drinking lemonade...
Mark: Fran! Would you shut up for a damn minute? I'm trying to talk to my child here.
Scott: Well, I'm sure I'm sorry.
Mark: Well, I'm sure you are.
Scott: Go on.
Mark: Anyways, uh, the first change, uh, that you may notice is that mommy has decided to change her hair color. That's what this is all about. [motioning to showercap] Okay?
Mark: And mommy wanted you to know that it's the same mommy, only with a different hair color, okay?
Kevin: Mommy's changing her hair color?
Kevin: Well that's okay, I guess.
Mark: Okay, good, that's good. And, um--
Scott: Go, go, go.
Mark: Secondly, after today, your father won't be living with us anymore.
Kevin: Daddy's leaving us?
Mark: Yes, your father's leaving us.
Kevin: Is it because you changed your hair color?
Scott: Oh, good, I need some more tea.
[Scott gets up to get tea.]
Mark: [gets very worked up] Well, Seanie, Seanie, there's a lot of important reasons why mommy and daddy aren't going to be staying together, but I think that the important thing for you to know is that he loves you!
[The timer goes off.]
Scott: It's time.
Scott: Time for the unveiling.
Mark: Oh, good.
Scott: Let's do it.
Mark: Oh, some good news, but we'll talk about the other stuff later.
Scott: Okay? Here we go. Okay, okay, okay, ohh..
[Mark takes off shower cap to reveal pink hair. Mark picks up a hand mirror.]
Mark: Oh! Oh, I love it! Oh, I like it, I do! Oh, look at that.
Scott: It's gorgeous.
Mark: Oh, it's fun, it's fun.
Mark: Yeah. You know, I think I might buy that halter top.
Mark: Yeah. What do you think, Seanie, do you like it?
Kevin: There's so much evil in the world.
Mark: What dear?
Kevin: You changed your hair to pink!
Mark: Well, it's pinkish, Seanie.
Kevin: [Getting up.] Pink is a stupid color!
Mark: No, no, Seanie, come on.
[Mark gets up and tries to hold Kevin, but he keeps flailing about.]
Kevin: No, all my friends are gonna make fun of me, they won't let me in school-
Mark: No, they won't-
Kevin: 'Your mother's a pink head, your mother's a pink head!'
Mark: Now, stop it, Seanie, stop it!
[Mark grabs Kevin's wrists.]
Mark: Now, I am sick and tired of being criticized by the men in this family at this point!
Kevin: I want to move in with daddy!
[Mark slaps Kevin. Kevin runs away around the table.]
Mark: You are not moving in with your father-
[Mark is following Kevin. Scott throws his arms around Mark's waist, gets dragged around with him, falling off eventually.]
Mark: You're NOT moving in with your father, you're NOT moving in with-
Kevin: Don't hit me!
Kevin: Don't hit me again!
Mark: Oh, no, Seanie, mommy's not gonna hit you.
[Dazed, Scott pulls himself up with the table.]
Mark: Oh, mommy's sorry, Seanie.
Kevin: I'm sorry, too, mommy.
Mark: Oh, mommy's sorry. Mommy'll never hit you again.
Kevin: Does that mean you're gonna change your hair back to normal?
[Mark slaps Kevin. Kevin runs around the table again, screaming, and Mark follows, pointing at the floor in front of him.]
Mark: I can't change my hair-
Scott: No, no, don't Barbara-
Mark: Right here, right here, Seanie!
[Scott stops Mark.]
Kevin: Stinky pink! Stinky stinky pink! Stinky pink!
[Kevin runs out of room. Mark goes to the door to yell after him.]
Mark: Well stinky pink cooks your dinners!
[Mark turns to Scott.]
Mark: Well, I thought that went okay.
Scott: I- I thought that you did fine.
Mark: Oh, good.
Scott: Let's have some more tea.