Pie-Eating Contest Love

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Olivia Shank (correction by Sarah)
Cast- [Scene takes place in livingroom with two couples: Scott w/ Mark, Bruce w/ Kevin.]

[All laughing]

Bruce: Touche.

Scott: Uh-huh, yes. Ok, ok, ok. May I propose a toast.

Mark: Oh honey, toasts are so corny.

Scott: Yes they are, but this great land was built on toasts.

Bruce: Is that the toast?

[All laugh again.]

Scott: Touche sir! No, this is the toast: To Stu and Randy on their anniversary.

Bruce: And many more, kids. And many more.

[Toast champagne glasses.]

Mark: Oh, I missed you.

[Mark and Bruce toast glasses.]

[Mark and Scott start clanging glasses gently with silverware.]

Mark: ...Come on...

Bruce: All right.

[Kevin and Bruce quickly kiss.]

Scott: Maybe we should give these kids their privacy, huh?

Mark: Oh stop it Murray.

[They laugh.]

Bruce: Touche.

Scott: You know what's really weird here, is that we've known you two, for how long? Three years. And we've never been told how you met.

Kevin: Oh. Well, actually we met quite by accident at a food eating contest.

Scott: What? Well gee, that's interesting.

[Scene changes to the pie eating contest.]

Bruce (V.O.): I don't usually go to places like that.

Kevin (V.O.): Well, me either.

Bruce (V.O.): You see I was there with a friend who was really depressed.

[Bruce is with the Oversensitive guy.]

Bruce (V.O.): He had just broken up with his girlfriend and he was devastated. I thought if he could eat food as quickly as his system could take, it would cheer him up.

Scott (V.O.): Isn't that sweet.

Kevin (V.O.): I was there with my fiance, Gunther. He was a proofreader, so it's understandable he was under a lot of pressure. Pie eating was what he did to unwind. You know, just let his head down and consume. The wedding was weeks away and then I saw Stu...

[Bruce and Kevin look at each other from the table.]

Bruce (V.O.): It was love at first sight. You see, I wasn't hungry, but when I saw Randy I realized I always been famished.

Kevin (V.O.): Me too.

[Both dig into the pies. Each bite they take, they get more and more pie all over their faces.]

Bruce (V.O.): By the time the fog had lifted I had aten eight pies and won the contest. The rest is history.

[Kevin and Bruce kiss with pie still on faces.]

[Scene changes back to livingroom.]

Mark: Isn't that romantic?

Scott: So what happened to Gunther?

Kevin: Well, he moved back to the old country and died.

Mark: That's so romantic.

Scott: You know, can I get you kids some pie?

[They laugh.]

Bruce: Touche. No, seriously I think we've had enough to last a lifetime. So how did you meet anyway?

Mark: Oh. Well I met Murray in a public hanging. We were worried we couldn't keep up the pace.

Scott: But we did, didn't we?

[They all hug.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video