Two Brothers and the Sister

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Bruce and Scott banging outside an apartment door.]

Bruce and Scott: Wake up, it's real important! Theresa! It's an emergency! Wake up!

[Mark opens door.]

Bruce: Sorry to wake you. Did we wake you?

Scott: Yeah, sorry to wake you, but it's real important, right?

[Mark looks unamused, irritated, and a bit disgusted.]

Bruce: Don't give us the look, Theresa!

Scott: Oh, God, the last thing we need at three o'clock in the morning is the look!

[Bruce and Scott enter the apartment.]

Bruce: Yeah, we're your brothers, you said we could come see you anytime!

Scott: Right. Well, you didn't exactly say that with words... [going through Mark's purse]

Bruce: No, but it's implied by blood.

Scott: We all got the same blood, right?

[Mark looks at them with the same irritated look.]

Scott: Okay, okay, okay, okay, here [takes a foil-wrapped bundle out from under his coat and puts it on the coffee table], right.

Bruce: We found a meatloaf.

Scott: Right. Like a used meatloaf, right?

Bruce: Well, not that it's part eaten.

Scott: No, but it's been around.

[Bruce and Scott giggle.]

Bruce: Well, we did find it in the garbage.

Scott: Okay?

Bruce: Okay.

Scott: Okay. Hey Theresa, we found this old meatloaf, right? And, and we're-

Bruce: Okay.

Scott: And we're just wondering if it'd be okay if we ate it.

Bruce: Yeah, yeah. See, the dilemma we faced as we drove around - is it wrong to eat garbage?

[Mark picks up the meatloaf.]

Scott: That's right, yeah, and, another thing is, is it garbage, just because we found it in the-

Bruce and Scott: Garbage-

Scott: Right-

[Mark sniffs at the meatloaf.]

Scott: Or is it just food that has fallen from grace?

Bruce: Yeah, like, is something art just 'cause you hang it on the wall?

[Mark puts down the meatloaf.]

Scott: Hey! Don't get me started on that, we'll be here all night!

[Mark exits the room. Bruce and Scott sit down on the couch.]

Bruce: I mean, should we abandon this food, just 'cause it's fallen through the cracks of so-called, "normal society"?

Scott: Hey, yeah, that's right, or is it not incumbent upon us-

Bruce: Yeah?

Scott: To stop-

Bruce: Oh yeah.

Scott: Lift it up [Bruce nods], dust it off, give it refuge, and return it to the place from whence it came?

[Mark enters with some foil-wrapped food.]

Bruce: Oh, and can we have eleven ounces of liquor to wash it down with?

Scott: Last call caught us off-guard.

[Mark continues giving them a disgusted look.]

Bruce and Scott: Oh, not the look!

Bruce: Jeez-

Scott: That look, oh-

Bruce: Theresa!

[Mark exits.]

Scott: Y'know, eleven ounces is not an arbitrary sum.

Bruce: Oh, of course not Dirk. It's the amount we have calculated scientifically we need to get drunk.

Scott: That is right. I mean, if dividing it is what's bugging you, Theresa, don't let it bug you!

Bruce: No, no, just give us twenty-two ounces of liquor, and watch us go to work.

Scott: Any kind of liquor at all.

Bruce: Yeah, although I'd prefer over-proof rum.

[Mark enters with a bottle of liquor and a measuring cup.]

Scott: And I would be with you on that train.

[Mark sets the bottle and cup on the table.]

Scott: Oooh...

Bruce: Y'know, like uh-

Scott: Party!

[Scott grabs the cup and starts to pour.]

Bruce: Grenadine, though, is not a liquor.

Scott: No, but it's in a liquor bottle.

Bruce: I don't know, but is something art just 'cause you hang it on the wall?

Scott: Hey! Jeez, not again, we'll be here all night.

Bruce: Well, we might be.

Scott: Okay, okay.

Bruce: Okay.

Scott: Okay.

Bruce: Theresa, can we eat a garbage meatloaf, wash it down with liquor, and fall asleep on your pull-out couch?

Scott: That is the question of the night.

Bruce: Look, she's giving us the look again!

Scott: Oh no, not the look! I'll die here! Literally die!

[Mark exits.]

[Mark enters with 2 pillows.]

Bruce: Theresa, can you live with yourself knowing you let us die without giving us haircuts? [takes off his hat]

[Mark drops the pillows and exits.]

Scott: Alright, otherwise we'll show up for court tomorrow with incriminating hair.

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: Hey, aren't we innocent until proven guilty?

Bruce: Right on- which'll happen at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

Scott: Are we criminals just because we committed a crime?

Bruce: Oh, that's good.

Scott: Hey, isn't break-and-enter a victimless crime?

[Mark enters with a sheet and scissors.]

Bruce: [looks at Mark] No one was home.

Scott: Right?

Bruce: Hey, you look real good in that housecoat. Kinda foxy.

[Mark smiles.]

Scott: Alright.

Bruce: So, you gonna cut our hair or what?

Scott: C'mon, jeez-

Bruce: Standing there-

Scott: Don't got all night.

[Mark drapes the sheet around them and starts cutting their hair]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video