Transcribed from: Comedy Central[Bruce and Scott banging outside an apartment door.]
Transcribed by: M. Howie
Bruce and Scott: Wake up, it's real important! Theresa! It's an emergency! Wake up!
[Mark opens door.]
Bruce: Sorry to wake you. Did we wake you?
Scott: Yeah, sorry to wake you, but it's real important, right?
[Mark looks unamused, irritated, and a bit disgusted.]
Bruce: Don't give us the look, Theresa!
Scott: Oh, God, the last thing we need at three o'clock in the morning is the look!
[Bruce and Scott enter the apartment.]
Bruce: Yeah, we're your brothers, you said we could come see you anytime!
Scott: Right. Well, you didn't exactly say that with words... [going through Mark's purse]
Bruce: No, but it's implied by blood.
Scott: We all got the same blood, right?
[Mark looks at them with the same irritated look.]
Scott: Okay, okay, okay, okay, here [takes a foil-wrapped bundle out from under his coat and puts it on the coffee table], right.
Bruce: We found a meatloaf.
Scott: Right. Like a used meatloaf, right?
Bruce: Well, not that it's part eaten.
Scott: No, but it's been around.
[Bruce and Scott giggle.]
Bruce: Well, we did find it in the garbage.
Scott: Okay. Hey Theresa, we found this old meatloaf, right? And, and we're-
Scott: And we're just wondering if it'd be okay if we ate it.
Bruce: Yeah, yeah. See, the dilemma we faced as we drove around - is it wrong to eat garbage?
[Mark picks up the meatloaf.]
Scott: That's right, yeah, and, another thing is, is it garbage, just because we found it in the-
Bruce and Scott: Garbage-
[Mark sniffs at the meatloaf.]
Scott: Or is it just food that has fallen from grace?
Bruce: Yeah, like, is something art just 'cause you hang it on the wall?
[Mark puts down the meatloaf.]
Scott: Hey! Don't get me started on that, we'll be here all night!
[Mark exits the room. Bruce and Scott sit down on the couch.]
Bruce: I mean, should we abandon this food, just 'cause it's fallen through the cracks of so-called, "normal society"?
Scott: Hey, yeah, that's right, or is it not incumbent upon us-
Scott: To stop-
Bruce: Oh yeah.
Scott: Lift it up [Bruce nods], dust it off, give it refuge, and return it to the place from whence it came?
[Mark enters with some foil-wrapped food.]
Bruce: Oh, and can we have eleven ounces of liquor to wash it down with?
Scott: Last call caught us off-guard.
[Mark continues giving them a disgusted look.]
Bruce and Scott: Oh, not the look!
Scott: That look, oh-
Scott: Y'know, eleven ounces is not an arbitrary sum.
Bruce: Oh, of course not Dirk. It's the amount we have calculated scientifically we need to get drunk.
Scott: That is right. I mean, if dividing it is what's bugging you, Theresa, don't let it bug you!
Bruce: No, no, just give us twenty-two ounces of liquor, and watch us go to work.
Scott: Any kind of liquor at all.
Bruce: Yeah, although I'd prefer over-proof rum.
[Mark enters with a bottle of liquor and a measuring cup.]
Scott: And I would be with you on that train.
[Mark sets the bottle and cup on the table.]
Bruce: Y'know, like uh-
[Scott grabs the cup and starts to pour.]
Bruce: Grenadine, though, is not a liquor.
Scott: No, but it's in a liquor bottle.
Bruce: I don't know, but is something art just 'cause you hang it on the wall?
Scott: Hey! Jeez, not again, we'll be here all night.
Bruce: Well, we might be.
Scott: Okay, okay.
Bruce: Theresa, can we eat a garbage meatloaf, wash it down with liquor, and fall asleep on your pull-out couch?
Scott: That is the question of the night.
Bruce: Look, she's giving us the look again!
Scott: Oh no, not the look! I'll die here! Literally die!
[Mark enters with 2 pillows.]
Bruce: Theresa, can you live with yourself knowing you let us die without giving us haircuts? [takes off his hat]
[Mark drops the pillows and exits.]
Scott: Alright, otherwise we'll show up for court tomorrow with incriminating hair.
Scott: Hey, aren't we innocent until proven guilty?
Bruce: Right on- which'll happen at 9:30 tomorrow morning.
Scott: Are we criminals just because we committed a crime?
Bruce: Oh, that's good.
Scott: Hey, isn't break-and-enter a victimless crime?
[Mark enters with a sheet and scissors.]
Bruce: [looks at Mark] No one was home.
Bruce: Hey, you look real good in that housecoat. Kinda foxy.
Bruce: So, you gonna cut our hair or what?
Scott: C'mon, jeez-
Bruce: Standing there-
Scott: Don't got all night.
[Mark drapes the sheet around them and starts cutting their hair]