The Odds

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Dave, Scott, Kevin, and Bruce are first time parachuters, sitting on the plane waiting to jump. Dave and Scott are twins. Mark is the instructor.]

Kevin: [to Bruce] Granted, right now you and Teri are having huge, huge, immense problems. But in time, you'll learn to ignore them and stay together 30. . .40 long years.

Bruce: Gee, thanks.

Kevin: Forget it. As for you two, your problem is really quite --

Mark: Okay gentlemen, we're at altitude. Who's first.

Rest: Uhh...

Scott: Sir?

Mark: Yes?

Scott: I'll go second.

Dave: Oh.

Mark: Second. C'mon gentlemen, the air is toasty. Who wants to go first?

Bruce: Gee, c'mon guys, I mean what are the odds of one of us plummeting to our death on our very first jump?

Mark: 800,000 to 1.

Rest: Oh. . .

Kevin: Look, if you guys are a little nervous, I'll make the first jump.

Rest: Oh, that's great [etc]

Kevin: Andy?

Mark: Huh?

Kevin: Thank you for all the lessons. Tell ya what, take my lucky comb--my way of saying thanks. `Kay guys, see ya on the ground.

Dave: Gee Kelly's a nice guy.

Bruce: Yeah, he is.

Kevin: [as a voice over:] Wait a second, I'm setting myself up for an ironic tragedy. Popular guy jumps--parachute doesn't open--"Gee, he was nice. Why does it always happen to the nice guy?" Well, I'm not going to be a nice dead guy. [outloud:] What are you losers wavin' at?! Give me back my comb, straw head! Eww! [throws it out the plane] See you crapburgers on the ground! [jumps] Ahhhhh!!

Mark: Oh no, his parachute isn't opening very well.


Mark: Okay, who's next?

Scott: Next?!

Mark: Yeah next.

Bruce: C'mon, I mean what are the odds of two of us plummeting to our death on our very first jump?

Mark: 10 million to 1.

Scott: I'm not gonna make it! I'm not gonna make it! I'm not gonna make it!!

Dave: You *are* gonna make it. And do you wanna know why you're gonna make it?

Scott: Why?

Dave: Cuz I'm jumpin' with ya. Remember our pact?

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: You're not gonna die on me. You're not gonna die on me. You're not gonna die on me. See ya fellas; we're goin' together.

[Scott and Dave jump.]

Scott and Dave: Ahhhhh!!

[splat. A couple seconds later another splat]

Bruce: Oh. He died on him. He died right on him. He died right on his own twin brother.

Mark: You know, they left the world 7 seconds apart, isn't that the same way they came in?

Bruce: Yeah, it is. Hey, hold it. What are the odds of twin even being born?

Mark: 50,000 to 1.

Bruce: And the odds of two of them plummeting to their death on their very first jump?

Mark: 1 billion to 1.

Bruce: [snaps fingers twice] I've gotta hunch. [takes out newspaper] Oh no, I won the lottery.

Mark: Whoa! 10 million to 1!

Bruce: Okay, okay. Now what are the odds of four of us plummeting like sacks of cement to our death on our very first jump, two of us being twins, and me winning the lottery?

Mark: Roughly 63 trillion to 1.

Bruce: Not good enough. It's these parachutes! I've been watching them defy the odds all day! I'm jumping without one. [takes it off] What are the odds of a guy jumping from 10,000 feet and hitting the pavement running?

Mark: 2 to 1.

Bruce: Good. I'm off. I feel lucky. [jumps] It's working. It's working. It's wor--


Mark: [takes off glasses] "I feel lucky." Hi, I'm Mark McKinney.

[The lights go up, the "plane" stops shaking. Mark comes out of the scene.]

Mark: Do you know one out of three marriages ends in divorce? Not great odds, are they? And you know what? They're rising. Statistics don't lie. Unfortunately, lovers do. For example, if I should marry either of the three women I'm currently seeing, I would have to come home to our marriage house each night knowing there was a 63% chance that I had cheated on her. And what's worse, there'd be an equal chance that *she* had cheated on *me*. So remember, if you find yourself standing at an alter [in background there is a couple in marriage apparel] remember you're not looking at your betrothed, but at a pair of loaded dice. [looks back at the couple] Ha! Snake eyes! So please, think back on this riveting playlet before you say "I feel lucky."

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video