Shitty Soup/Scott Isn't Really a Waiter

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Completed from: HBO

Transcribed by:
Completed by:

Cast: [Scene: A restaurant. Dave & Kevin enter through the door and seat themselves]

Dave: Well, this is the place I've been telling you about.

Kevin: Yeah, it's really nice. [They sit] So... what do you eat when you come here?

Dave: Well, I'll tell ya. If you're gonna eat here, you've got to try the "Shitty Soup."

Kevin: Shitty soup?

Dave: Oh yeah, everyone that comes here has the shitty soup.

Kevin: It doesn't sound that great.

Dave: Oh, it's not, it's awful. That's why they call it "shitty."

Kevin: Oh.

Dave: So, are you in?

Kevin: 'Course! Let's have two shitty soups.

Dave: Great.

Kevin: Yeah, that's only the appetizer. What do you have for the entree?

Dave: I'm telling you, after you've had this soup, you're not going to want a main course. [laughs] In fact, this soup is so vile, it will dominate your pallate for the next seven months. You may never want to eat again.

[Scott enters and comes to the table]

Scott:[lisping always] Well, good evening.

Dave & Kevin: Hi.

Scott: Welcome. Welcome to Maureen's Cuisine.

Kevin: Thank you.

Scott: So, are you ready to order?

Dave: Ah yes, uh...

Scott: SUPER!

Kevin: We would like two shitty soups.

Scott: Two shitty soups. Anything else with the shitty soups?

Dave: Ah, just, uh, water.

Scott: Just water... Nothing else to drink? Tea, sangrea, cola, fruit juice, seltzer, spritzer...

Dave: Uh, no, uh, just two shitty soups and water.

Scott: Just two shitty soups. Okay. And water. Anything to drink afterward? Coffee...

Kevin: Two shitty soups, please.

Dave & Kevin: That's just two shitty soups.

Scott: That's all it will be then, won't it.

Kevin & Dave: Yeah, okay.

Scott: Okay, Two shitty soups, coming up.

Dave: Thanks.

[Scott exits]

Dave: What an awful waiter.

Kevin: What an awful ACTOR!

Dave: I know.

Kevin: I mean, he really padded his part. I mean at rehearsal he had two lines.

Dave: I know. I mean... he's just supposed to reccomend the duck.

Kevin: And why is he playing it so GAY.

Dave: I don't know, but, I'll tell you one thing, he'll pay for it in his tip.

Scott: [entering with the soup] CHOO-CHOO-CHOO! HERE COMES THE SOUP TRAIN! Here's a little caboose of soup for you. And a little engine of soup for you.

Dave: Great. Thanks.

Scott: Okay. Super. So enjoy the soup.

Dave: Okay.

Scott: I'll be right over there.

Dave: All right. Boy. Well... Tuck in.

[They both take a bite and spit it out while gagging. Bite #2 same thing.]

Kevin: [gagging] Paaa. Oh, God! PLAAAAA! PLAAAA!

Dave: Oh, try to swallow. You've got to swallow to get the whole effect.

Kevin: [chokes it down] Oh, that's bad.

Dave: You know, we really should have ordered one and split it. I've never finished one.

Scott: [re-enters] So, how was the soup?

Dave: Oh, it was really terrible.

Scott: Oh, so you didn't enjoy it?

Dave: Oh, no.

Scott: Oh, that's excellent.

Kevin: Could we have-could we have our check, please? We're in a hurry.

Scott: Oh, certainly, here you go.

[Kevin and Dave start getting up, and getting ready to leave.]

Dave: Yeah, we're late for a pathetic play.

Scott: Oh, certainly. Oh, I saw that play; it's awful!

Kevin: Oh yeah?

Scott: I think you'll love it.

Dave: Oh, great. Great. Great.

Scott: Okay.

[Dave and Kevin are about at the door.]

Kevin: Horrible soup!

Scott: Goodnight.

Dave: Really lousy service!

Scott: Such attitude. [pause, to audience:] I'm not really a waiter. I'm actually actor/comedian Scott Thompson. And, yes, _I'm_ the fag.

[Camera backs up. Scott walks after it.]

C'mon. Don't run away. What are ya runnin' from? What are you scared of?

As a gay entertainer, I feel a special responsibility to my brothers to portray them in an accurate and dignified manner. Yet, I don't know. Whenever I play the part of a waiter. . .and I walk out on stage. . .and those lights hit me. . .I immediately begin to lithsp. It's not my fault. It's a chemical reaction, really.

One day, the character of the gay waiter will be a folk hero, but until then [motins with his hand] smoking or non? [Hand remains limp, so he hits it and it falls back dead.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video