Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Completed from: HBO
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Completed by: KITHFREAK@usa.net
[Scene: A restaurant. Dave & Kevin enter through the door and seat themselves]
- Kevin- Kevin
- Dave- Dave
- Scott- The gay waiter
Dave: Well, this is the place I've been telling you about.
Kevin: Yeah, it's really nice. [They sit] So... what do you eat when you come here?
Dave: Well, I'll tell ya. If you're gonna eat here, you've got to try the "Shitty Soup."
Kevin: Shitty soup?
Dave: Oh yeah, everyone that comes here has the shitty soup.
Kevin: It doesn't sound that great.
Dave: Oh, it's not, it's awful. That's why they call it "shitty."
Dave: So, are you in?
Kevin: 'Course! Let's have two shitty soups.
Kevin: Yeah, that's only the appetizer. What do you have for the entree?
Dave: I'm telling you, after you've had this soup, you're not going to want a main course. [laughs] In fact, this soup is so vile, it will dominate your pallate for the next seven months. You may never want to eat again.
[Scott enters and comes to the table]
Scott:[lisping always] Well, good evening.
Dave & Kevin: Hi.
Scott: Welcome. Welcome to Maureen's Cuisine.
Kevin: Thank you.
Scott: So, are you ready to order?
Dave: Ah yes, uh...
Kevin: We would like two shitty soups.
Scott: Two shitty soups. Anything else with the shitty soups?
Dave: Ah, just, uh, water.
Scott: Just water... Nothing else to drink? Tea, sangrea, cola, fruit juice, seltzer, spritzer...
Dave: Uh, no, uh, just two shitty soups and water.
Scott: Just two shitty soups. Okay. And water. Anything to drink afterward? Coffee...
Kevin: Two shitty soups, please.
Dave & Kevin: That's just two shitty soups.
Scott: That's all it will be then, won't it.
Kevin & Dave: Yeah, okay.
Scott: Okay, Two shitty soups, coming up.
Dave: What an awful waiter.
Kevin: What an awful ACTOR!
Dave: I know.
Kevin: I mean, he really padded his part. I mean at rehearsal he had two lines.
Dave: I know. I mean... he's just supposed to reccomend the duck.
Kevin: And why is he playing it so GAY.
Dave: I don't know, but, I'll tell you one thing, he'll pay for it in his tip.
Scott: [entering with the soup] CHOO-CHOO-CHOO! HERE COMES THE SOUP TRAIN! Here's a little caboose of soup for you. And a little engine of soup for you.
Dave: Great. Thanks.
Scott: Okay. Super. So enjoy the soup.
Scott: I'll be right over there.
Dave: All right. Boy. Well... Tuck in.
[They both take a bite and spit it out while gagging. Bite #2 same thing.]
Kevin: [gagging] Paaa. Oh, God! PLAAAAA! PLAAAA!
Dave: Oh, try to swallow. You've got to swallow to get the whole effect.
Kevin: [chokes it down] Oh, that's bad.
Dave: You know, we really should have ordered one and split it. I've never finished one.
Scott: [re-enters] So, how was the soup?
Dave: Oh, it was really terrible.
Scott: Oh, so you didn't enjoy it?
Dave: Oh, no.
Scott: Oh, that's excellent.
Kevin: Could we have-could we have our check, please? We're in a hurry.
Scott: Oh, certainly, here you go.
[Kevin and Dave start getting up, and getting ready to leave.]
Dave: Yeah, we're late for a pathetic play.
Scott: Oh, certainly. Oh, I saw that play; it's awful!
Kevin: Oh yeah?
Scott: I think you'll love it.
Dave: Oh, great. Great. Great.
[Dave and Kevin are about at the door.]
Kevin: Horrible soup!
Dave: Really lousy service!
Scott: Such attitude. [pause, to audience:] I'm not really a waiter. I'm actually actor/comedian Scott Thompson. And, yes, _I'm_ the fag.
[Camera backs up. Scott walks after it.]
C'mon. Don't run away. What are ya runnin' from? What are you scared of?
As a gay entertainer, I feel a special responsibility to my brothers to portray them in an accurate and dignified manner. Yet, I don't know. Whenever I play the part of a waiter. . .and I walk out on stage. . .and those lights hit me. . .I immediately begin to lithsp. It's not my fault. It's a chemical reaction, really.
One day, the character of the gay waiter will be a folk hero, but until then [motins with his hand] smoking or non? [Hand remains limp, so he hits it and it falls back dead.]