Not Fat

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Tires screech. Kevin sees a car has stopped for him and approaches. Dave is behind the wheel.]

Dave: Need a lift, chubby?

Kevin: Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Dave: Well, jump on in, fatso. So, where you headed, lumpy? Where's a great fat thing like you off to?

Kevin: Well, I'm going to Kitchener. But, you can drop me off anywhere that's convienent.

Dave: Soo. . . what's a big lump of lard do in Kitchener? I mean--what's a town like that have to offer a wide-ass two-ton hunk of humanity, like yourself? Cuz, you know, it's a small town; you sure you'll fit? That's what I'm worried about; will you fit? So, I gotta ask, why Kitchener, hmm, you walkin' talkin' sebaceous gland?

Kevin: Well, I have some family there. So, I might stay there for a while.

Dave: Ooo. So, the family Fat's having a fat family reunion, huh? A whole flabby clan gathered together in the front yard playin' lawn darts on wobbly thighs. Is that the idear? Am I paintin' an accurate portrait of this spectable? Huh? Oh my God! There's an elephant in the car!!

[Kevin looks around the car.]

Dave: Rogue elephant! Rogue elephant! Save the children. Oh, it's just you. Oh boy, am I hungry. You know, I guess I haven't had anything to eat in about, uh. . .an hour. You ever done that? You ever gone a whole hour without eating? Guess not, not a man of your remarkable girth. [pauses] Boy, are you fat.

Kevin: I'm not fat! I used to be fat, but I lost sixty pounds. That's why I'm leaving this town. I'm tired of being though of as "The fat guy." I'm gonna start a new life, at a new weight, in a new town. I'm not fat! I'm never gonna be fat again!

[tires screech; car stops]

Dave: Get the hell out of my car, fatso! C'mon, drag your cavernous stretch marks outta my car.

Kevin: I'm not fat! [gets out of car]

Dave: Yeah, go shout it from the mountain! Wait a minute! You are the mountain! [starts the care moving] God, I hate fat people. I hate what it says about their personality. Why, would you look at that truck. [sticks head out window] Hey! Why don't you get that fat thing off the road, ya fat bastard! [honk honk] Jeez.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video