Cop Impersonator

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Mark and Kevin are with three women outside of a nightclub. They're all talking. There's a cop in front of them, Scott, ticketing a car.]

Kevin: Uh-oh, looks like trouble.

Mark: Oh, come ooooon. Give me a break! Cops are so STUPID.

Kevin: Oh, yeah.

Mark: Yeah.

Kevin: Oh, hundred percent.

Mark: Hey, hang on, hang on. [Approaches Scott.]

Kevin: Phil'll handle it, Phil's a talker.

Mark: Hey, hey, officer, what's goin on here, what's goin on? Come on, look, look, you don't want to ticket me. I'm a cop.

Scott: Really?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, it's okay to ticket me, but off the car.

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Gonna have to see some ID first, officer.

Mark: ID?

Scott: ID.

Mark: Okay, sure, I understand, I understand, you know why I understand? Cuz I'm a superior officer. That's right, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, Captain Allen, [Flashes ID real fast.] from the, uh, precinct up near my house. So, uh, quiet tonight? It's uh, usually a quiet beat, I remember I used to walk this beat, I'm not sure.

Scott: I'd like to see the ID again, please.

Mark: Yeah, you know, sure, no problem, [flashes ID again.] I'm, uh, Captain Allen from the precinct near my uh, where I live. God, I had this bust the other night, I was gonna tell you. I had this bust, yeah, um, it was these crack heads, you know, these crack heads, and you know how they run, so I was runnin after them and they were-

Scott: All right, give me the handshake.

Mark: What?

Scott: The secret policeman's handshake. Give it to me. [He holds out his hand.]

Mark: God, I've been a cop for so long, I don't know if I- if I remember this. Um, what the hell. [Holds out hand. Scott turns his hand sideways. Mark does the same. Scott turns back the way it was, Mark slowly does the same. Scott slips his fingers, Mark does the same. Scott makes his split fingers cut like scissors, Mark does the same. Scott twirls his thumb around in a circle, Mark does the same. Scott makes his fingers walk, Mark does the same. Scott makes his index and middle finger point out, Mark does the same. Scott lifts his up, Mark does the same, then down, Mark does the same. Scott grabs his hand. They shake. Mark sighs.]

Mark: Okay, well, you have yourself a good night and my best to the guys up at the station. I- I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?

[Scott just grins and starts to back up, still holding his hand.]

Mark: Okay, wait a minute, where are we going?

[Scott takes him over to the car.]

Mark: Okay, look- [Scott puts him in the back seat, Mark pokes his head back out.] You are ruining a very expensive, important operation.

[Scott pushes him back in.]

Kevin: Oh, backseat of the car thing, sure, this isn't tragic.

[They drive away up the street, with the siren on.]

Mark: Alright, I'm not a cop, I'm not a cop, I confess, I'm not a cop, look, I want you to turn around, officer, because you see my friend back there, there's my friend, he's Roman Polanski's cousin. The guy in the striped shirt. And those two girls he's with, they're fifteen years old, man, fifteen years old, man.

[He keeps talking as the car goes around the corner.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video