Businessmen Networking

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Trista Lycosky
Cast- [A reception area of an office. It is filled with white, middle-aged, mostly white-haired men. There are a few younger men among them who have not greyed yet, including Mark, and eventually also Bruce, Dave, Scott. Throughout the skit, the men mingle - shaking hands.]

[Close up on hands shaking. Zoom out slowly to reveal that it's two white-haired men giving each other a confident handshake. And Mark is in the background, admiring.]

Mark: Ah, now that was a thing of beauty. Great handshake.

[Bruce enters. He goes right up to Mark and shakes his hand.]

Bruce: Gerald!

Mark: Mr. Tolson, how are you?

Bruce: Pretty good. Listen, I'm sorry I'm late. You know, uh, traffic.

[Mark laughs. Bruce follows.]

Mark: Ha ha ha, right. Yeah, traffic. Yeah, try that on me, huh?

Bruce: You're right! That excuse you gave me works great!

Mark: Yeah, it does! Doesn't it, though? Doesn't it, huh? So, why were you late, anyway?

Bruce: Traffic.

Mark: Wow! Life imitates excuses! Incredible!

Bruce: Yeah.

Mark: Well, anyway. Look out here Gerald, there's a sea of businessmen. The ripples and eddies you catch with your eye - those are the important guys. The name of the game is Networking. Businessmen meeting businessmen for the purpose of meeting them again at a later date. Do you understand?

Bruce: [enlightened] "Networking!"

Mark: Yeah! Now. But you gotta be cool. See that guy?

[Cut to a guy who jumps on another man from behind - clinging on to him with his arms around his neck and legs around his waist.]

Guy Being Jumped On: Oh!

Mark: He's trying WAY too hard.

Bruce: Thanks.

Mark: Alright, so. Don't blow it!

Bruce: I won't.

Mark: Just be cool, all right?

Bruce: Right on.

Mark: Okay, here we go.

[Scott enters. He is ultra-smooth - obviously an experienced networker.]

Mark: Tony!

Scott: Gerald.

Mark: How are ya, man?!

Scott: Pretty good. Good to see ya.

Mark: Good to see you, sir!

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah yeah!

Scott: O-kay.

Mark: Look, this is the guy I was, uh. This is the guy I was telling you about - well, I would have told you about if I'd 've been able to get you on the phone!

Scott: Oh yeah? I was on the other line.

[Mark and Bruce laugh. Scott remains cool. Scott sticks out his hand to be shaken. After a moment, Bruce shakes it. Scott is a firm, confident hand-shaker.]

Scott: Good to see ya. What's your name?

Bruce: Uh, Nick.

Scott: *Nick.* Whaddya do, *Nick*?

Bruce: Well, I'm uh, just starting out.

Scott: Super. That's a great way to break in.

Bruce: Yeah, well I hope to "break in" and "get hot."

Scott: That's a great idea.

Mark: Yeah, isn't it?

Scott: I hope to see you on a mailing list someday.

Bruce: Great, see ya then!

Scott: Ooo-kay. Listen, I'm gonna stand a few feet away.

Mark: Sure, Tony. Sure sure.

[Scott does.]

Bruce: Wow!

Mark: What'd I tell you?

Bruce: Wow!

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Bet he can do something for *me* someday.

Mark: Hey! Well, he knows you. Can that hurt?

Bruce: No way.

[They laugh.]

Both: Now we're networking!

Mark: You're right! You're right! Right.

[Two white-haired men waltz on by together. Literally.]

Mark: Holy! *That* is a merger! That's a merger. [Mark looks off screen.] Oh! There's another guy I know. [He calls in an enthuastic way.] Hey, Kutzka! Kutzka, come over here. Kutzka, c'mere. C'mon. [Motions to Bruce] Hey, this is the guy I was tellin' you about! C'mere! Caa-mere! Katzka, c'mere, don't let me just stand here. C'mere. Put that thing down! C'mere! Okay, maybe later. [To Bruce] A real important guy. Player. Definitely a player.

Bruce: You think he could do something for me someday?

Mark: Well, he saw you? Can that hurt?

Bruce: No!

Mark: No.

Bruce: No, it can't.

Mark: No, it can't. Yeah.

[Dave enters and goes up to Bruce, and extends his hand. They shake.]

Dave: Hey! There's a lot of buzz that your *hot*, even though you're just starting out!

Bruce: Yes, I believe that I *am* hot.

Dave: Well, you're gonna be needing one of these then.

[Dave takes out a business card and holds it out to Bruce, who takes it but looks a bit confused.]

Mark: [stage whisper to Bruce] It's a business card. Take it.

[He puts it in his handkerchief pocket.]

Bruce: So -- [pulls card out enough to see Dave's name on it] Gerry. Um. Do you like professional sports?

[Mark, who is standing behind Dave pumps his fists - Bruce obviously did well by his training.]

Dave: Ha! By God, I do!

[Dave takes Bruce's hand again. The two shake hands furiously now, and don't stop.]

Dave: I cheer for all the local teams!

Bruce: Really? They're not as good as they *used* to be, I hear.

Dave: Ah, well, nothing's as good as it used to be!

[Still furiously shaking. All three are laughing in between statements.]

Bruce: 'Cept money!

Dave: Money! Gerald! How are you?

[Dave lets go and all the businessmen have now moved in around Bruce and Mark.]

Bruce: Hi. I'm the hot guy.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video