Momma Compensation

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [The scene takes place at a building site. Scott's hammering. Mark and a couple other men are walking around. Bruce enters pushing by a man. He takes off his flannel jacket with frustration and slams his coffee cup down.]

Mark: Hey kid, you're late!

Bruce: I had trouble getting dressed.

Mark: Kid, remember: The snooze button? It's your friend *and* your enemy.

Bruce: Right. Well, let's get to it then, eh? Let's uh [tosses hammer to the flow] let's hammer some nails, eh?

Mark: Hey, what's wrong with you?

Bruce: I hate this job. I'm in a rut deep enough to hang up posters.

Mark: So why don't you quit?

Bruce: I can't. The only thing worse than haven a job is lookin' for one.

Mark: I thought I recognized that look.

Bruce: What look?!

Mark: The look of a guy who's daydreaming about a disabling but non-crippling injury.

Bruce: How did you know?

Mark: Hey! I'm a foreman! [pause] How old are you, kid? Seventeen? Eighteen?

Bruce: Twenty-nine.

Mark: You might be ready. Alright. There is a way for the average guy to get what's comin' to him; it's called "compensation."

Bruce: [unfamiliar] Compenthation?

Mark: Compensation -- it comes from a Latin word meaning "free money." A glorious way to live life at its fullest; well, 90% of its fullest.

[Scott does a dumb guy laugh -- like Idiot Boy would. All three look gather close and look to the sky.]

Mark: Compensation is a river of goodness, flowing through the industrial heartland of America, dispensing its bounty to the blue collar hero brave enough to laugh at its shores.

Bruce: Sounds alright!

Mark: Yeah, it is! There was a guy who used to work here -- name of Dino. Sam? Show 'im where Dino worked.

[Scott marks the spot by banging his hammer on a floorboard.]

Mark: He worked right there. He used to come to work every Monday morning, hating his job--

Bruce: Hey, like me!

Mark: Yeah, sure! But he won't be back for nine months thanks to Momma Compensation. I hear he bought a dog and trained it! Me? Ah, I got a bad back. Ah.

[Mark sits; Scott helps him by bracing his back.]

Bruce: You've been on compensation?

Mark: Hell yes, we've all prayed at the alter of compensation -- even Sam.

[Scott illustrates his maladies, by touching the body part and going "agh!" First, his shoulder, then wrist, then knee, and then head.]

Bruce: Well, when am I gonna get some?!

Mark: Hey, it's not that easy. Compensation? She's a bitch goddess. She gives with one hand, she takes away with the other.

[Scott acts out the last line by reaching out with his hand, then pulling it away, then looking around as if to ask, "where did it go?"]

Mark: Understand? I knew this guy. Have a seat.

[Bruce sits. Scott crouches down on the floor, next to Mark.]

Mark: He worked one of those cushy factory jobs. You know what I'm talkin' about? He uh used to cut pipe as it came off the assembly line -- a blade cutter, you know? [pulls imaginary lever] Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk. Let the pipe go through. Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk. Count to two.

Bruce: What'd that pay?

Mark: $11.40 an hour.

Bruce: Wow!

Mark: But one day, he's workin' overtime, real hard. They don't know what it was -- maybe it was the drugs, the noise, the pollution... But he starts hearin' voices, right? Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk. "Hey man, take a vacation." Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk. "Get on compensation." Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk. "Give me your hand." Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk. "Give me your hand!" Cuh-chunk, cuh-chunk! And he does!

Bruce and Scott: Ugh!!

Mark: He thought he had it all figured it out.

Bruce: Yeah.

Mark: Do ya know where he was the next day?

Bruce: Yeah, he was gettin' drunk in Hawaii.

Mark: Wrong. He was right back at that machine -- workin' it with the other hand!!

Bruce: Ah!!!

[Scott follows with an "ah!"]

Mark: So, what's it gonna be?

Bruce: I want in. I just gotta be smart.

Mark: Yeah? How?

Bruce: I'll shoot off my foot with my brother's crossbow!

Mark: Nooo. It's gotta happen at work. C'mon, you're a laborer, use your imagination.

Bruce: I'll drink forty-gallons of this varnish!

Mark: Nooo. It's gotta look like an accident.

Bruce: I'll tell 'em I was *really thirsty!*

Mark: Look at Sam's hammer.

[Cut to Scott who is lightly tapping his hammer in the palm of his hand.]

Mark: Doesn't that give you any ideas?

Bruce: I could club myself in the head with Sam's hammer!

Mark: Better yet, if you ask him really nice, he might do it for ya.

[Scott puts his ear towards their conversation and listens in; he slows down the tapping, waiting on their every word.]

Mark: He's sent more than one blue collar brother down soap opera lane.

Bruce: Sam, will you club me with your claw hammer?

Scott: [dumb guy voice] Sure.

[Bruce sits down. Mark knocks on his hard helmet.]

Bruce: Oops. The wind. Whoosh. [He tosses his helmet down]

Mark: Repeat after me: I am ready and willing--

Bruce: I am ready and willing--

Mark: To be disabled.

Bruce: [pauses] To be disabled.

Mark: Go Sam.

[Scott holds the hammer with both hands over his head, he starts to bring it down to Bruce's head.]

Mark: Not the hook end, you moron!!

Scott: Uhh!!! [He quickly turns it around and continues its downward path.]

[Clunk sound effect. Bruce reacts to the sound and acts woozy. Cut to a blue-screen with a sky projection. Kevin is dressed in a long, white dress that flows with the breeze; he also has on a long curly, blond wig. He's laying, made to look like he's flying; Bruce is too. Bruce also has a bloody stream on the side of his head.]

Bruce: [waving] Hey guys! Thanks for hurting me!

[Mark and Scott look up to the sky.]

Mark: Look at him, Sam! He just punched in with the Goddess of Compensation! Go kid! Go!! Go!! Go!!

[Cut back to Kevin and Bruce. Kevin holds out a portable TV and six-pack of beer, offering them to him.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video