Mark: The Modern Hero

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Mark: The sounds of squealing tires pierced the downtown core at 3 a.m., as a blue Vega peeled out of the parking lot of the 7-11.

Our hero stumbled out of the doors of that fine franchise to discover that his buddies were driving away. Yeah, they were driving away...and giggling. There would be no ride home tonight--not on this good eve.

"Bastards," he mumbled, and he stepped out of the doors of the 7-11, and jettisoning the butt end of his piroghi up over the roof, he waited...for the satisfying *squish*. And then, he walked to the sidewalk, lit a cigarette, and burped a sickly sweet burp of 7-11 cola.

"Thank God I'm not a diabetic!!" he screamed. And then, he headed north into the alleyway. Halfway through he passed a dumpster, from behind which he heard the sounds of two people locked in struggle; but whether they were fighting or fornicating he knew not, nor did he care!

He wandered further in passing piles of desiccated garbage dating from the 1960's. Past where winos slept like clumps from a broken bag of dolls. And still, our hero went further in. He went further in past 12 pygmy warriors, who watched in amazement as the first white man they ever saw came lopping by.

He went right to the end of that alleyway. He went right to the end. And our hero sat down on a concrete parking slab. He sat down among the muck and the filth. He sat down among the smells and the garbage. And he took out his contact lenses. He had no comforting saline solution to cushion the blow. He owned no contact carrying case! He didn't even have any fingers! He gouged the lenses out of his eyes with his thumbs! And grabbing a handy tin can, he spit in it [spits] until it was filled with mother nature's own preservative. And he dropped the lenses in. And then...with a crack that split the night!! he put on his glasses, and headed north to track down the elusive all-night bus.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video